Finally.... A break from the endless sadness

It has crept up gradually the last few days... this sense of wellbeing and peace. Dare I say happy. For sure I can say I am not consumed by sadness. Not for 3 days straight now. So welcomed is this light and this energetic reprieve after endless months of the debilitating regression into the deeper and deeper darkness of hopelessness I was living. Better described as enduring. No life was in me.

Why the sudden shift? The answer to that question always eludes me. How desperately I want the answer though. I often say to myself from within the darkness, to comfort me as I endure the constancy of the pain of sorrow.... ‘this too shall pass’. It takes me through the days, hours and minutes of the seemingly endless sadness and provides a thread of hope for better days.

For three days now the darkness has turned to light and all is hopeful in my world. My energy is high. My enthusiasm is near explosive. Nothing changed in my life except how I feel. Nothing is by my design. What then is the cause of the shift in my existence? What power controls the switch that gives me my life back as though on a whim? ‘This too shall pass’ is all that holds me back from getting lost in the ecstasy. The inevitable crash will come. Not because of anything I do or think or say or believe. It just will because it always has. This is no more permanent than the sadness. It is just the flip side of my insanity.

I will enjoy this day and each day that may follow that lets me feel free and happy. I will be cautious not to let it take me anywhere I will regret. No major commitments, no rash decision making, no dangerous behaviours allowed. I will try to harness this mood for good. Mostly..... I will enjoy the break from the sadness. I will enjoy each and every moment of it.

Life is good today. I miss this kind of normal.

Embrace the peace! Stay in the moment! Doing a happy dance for you.

(((sanityseeker))) - beautifully written. I wish you could always feel this happy and light. Have you noticed a pattern - perhaps feeling better in the summer months. Maybe it's the sunlight of working in the garden - vitamin D??? If you are better in the summer - could this mean you have SAD(seasonal affective dis.)?? Anyway, enough analyzing - enjoy this time you have.

I have thought of that Lynn and it really isn't linked to anything that I can put a finger on. My mood can flip in the middle of winter or the middle of summer. No connection to the seasons at all. No connection to anything that I can identify. I have journalled and tracked my mood swings for decades and still no indicators of what might trigger a switch. Its very odd. Nothing changed environmentally to give me a clue.

Thanks for chiming in. Nice to connect with you again. Wishing you well. I hope you are feeling better today. Take good care.

Thanks Nuc.... yes the happy dance sounds good to me too. Unforced laughter is a wonderful thing. Even the air smells fresher and cleaner today. Its a wonderful thing. Be well my friend.

((Sanityseeker)) You just put all my thoughts and feelings into words. Wow! I am now sure at this very moment that I am not alone when I am in the black lonely pit!! We are there together and with others. Why indeed. If I had the answer I would give it to you for free..... Enjoy your time out!!

Great to see you, sanityseeker. I am so happy for you!

Be well.

Thanks Ruffy. It is a lonely place. That pit from which we can't be reached. Knowing we are not the only one provides some comfort from the madness. I don't know about you but often when I am so deep down and those around seem unconvinced I question if I somehow put myself there. Then when the light comes in and I see my life through a different set of lenses and my steps are lighter and my heart feels the flutter of joy, I know this is the life I would choose to see and live everyday. If it were my choice.... days like to day would be my everyday.

I imagine more or less this is how people without this curse live and feel everyday. I remember times in my life when days like this were more common place to me too. Moving though the moments of the day with ease. Walking without the weight shrinking me or the fears inhibiting me.

Laying on the lawn today after weeding in the garden I was simply enjoying the sunshine on my face. No worries. No anxiety. I noticed in that moment that my mouth was lifted at the corners. A slight smile had replaced the usual saging lifelessness that the constant exhaustion always stole from me.

I was even singing today. Songs of praise and joy and gratitude came spontaneously from my lips. No need today to force the affirmations I would otherwise rely on to pull myself out of a meltdown. Free singing from the heart. It was heavenly. Worthy of childlike giggling.

Hope tomorrow blesses me with more of the same. May you too have the gift of a respite from the pit soon.

You are never alone ruffy. We will alway share the knowing and let that be some comfort through the coping. Blessings.

Thanks Byz. Nice to be back. Especially on a high.

While I was enjoying time in the garden I recalled the last couple of times I was there. One time a truck drove by making so much noise I couldn't even hear my voice shouting profanities at him as he raced down the road. The next time an ambulance suddenly turned on its siren as it flew down the road towards the highway. Both times the fright brought me to my knees. It took me at least 20 minutes to stop the confulsive crying afterwards. Fearful something else might cause another meltdown I retreated each time to the quiet of my solitary spaces indoors. It was made worst to think that now even my garden, my source of calming therapy was being taken from me. Another piece of my life was gone.

Today some loud motor bikes went by and I didn't even flinch. I just smiled and kept on weeding. I felt so nice to have my garden back again.

Wishing you well my friend.

thanks sanityseeker for your inspiration

The last few days I am also feeling a release of 'natural' energy.
Being new to major depression, the first time this happened (October) I jumped back into old patterns assuming this energy meant I was cured. Quickly depression found me at a lower level then ever, as I was ignorant/ignoring the signs of relaspe.

What is the cause of such shifts? This morning it does not matter, I feel gratitude for you sharing your story of hope. Inspiring me to send my first message.

I'm happy that you have this at least for now.It's moments like these that make everything worth it. I hope that it continues to the point where you will no longer need to come here and can finally find the happiness you deserve. Take care.

Thank you Gently. I am glad that my post encouraged you to respond with your own. I am happy to hear that you are enjoying a break from the blues yourself. I am not so new to the various sides of my mood swings so I have learned to beware of relapse traps. This last bout of depression was so long and so progressively debilitating that I almost didn't know how to react to not feeling low. I didn't know how to channel the new energy. It had been way too long since I had had a real break from the blues.

Today is not so up as yesterday. Couldn't stay asleep again last night so a little off balance today. I fear it may trigger some mania if I don't get a proper sleep soon. I am consciously slowing my thinking and movements down when I notice hyperspeed taking over. Felt some rage brewing earlier and just clamped my mouth and retreated from the situation instead of tempted fate. Fortunately I am maintaining a relatively level calm overall.

Sharing the gratitude with you. Hope you keep on posting.

Hi Helpme.... Thank you for your good wishes for me. I too hope the sadness stays back. If only for a time. I will take what I get when I get it, at least until and if I ever get a handle on the controls myself. It would be nice if by some mircle I could maintain a sense of 'normal'. One should always hope I suppose.

As wonderful as PC and the people here are it would be so nice to imagine a time when none of us needed it. When we each found the cure that would give us our lives back. Meanwhile it is good to know we can come here and be understood. That is a great blessing.

Wishing you great happiness and joy.

When the light finally comes about it is a joyous time. I too can't put my finger on why all is dark one day and the light shines the next. Enjoy the good feeling and try to hold it with you. I sure need that good feeling about now. Veronicapi

I am happy for you sanityseeker!

Thanks Veronica. I hope some light shines in for you too. The beam is holding for me. Sleep remains a challenge but it isn't effecting my energy level too much. The anxiety of depression is always so energy draining. Just to be free of that strain for this time is a blessing. Keep the faith Veronica and remember that no matter what 'this too shall pass.' You are tough and you can make it through. I'm pulling for you.

Hi Sabrina. Nice to hear from you. Thank you. Wishing you well.

Wishing for this as well.

Thanks Shank. Wishing for you some time off from the anxiety. I don't miss the bugger controlling my every move. I am taking full advantage of it today and going out now to find a realtor to list my house for sale. My brother was going to take care of that for me but I told him today I was up for the task myself.