[blkchr91]

I am 35 years old and can't even begin to count how many jobs I have had. I used to take pride in my work when I was 17-22 but as my salary increased I just followed the money. Something happened to me at around the age of 22 and since then I just drag my feet at every job that I work.

My salary was cut for the first time due to the company's finances. I spent years working minimum wage jobs and have never felt the inclination to work hard again. After the layoff, I was slowly able to get my income back to where I left off before. More recently the same thing happened to me again. I am once again underemployed and even at my previous position I dragged my feet although I was making a VERY LARGE amount of money for what I did.

I am in the Information Technology Field and no matter what job I pick I don't feel compelled to work hard just surf the web. Everyone around me seems so motivated but I am not.

All I want to do is spend time with my family. There are probably only a select few jobs that I like in Information Technology and the jobs are unrealistically hard to get due to all of the competition for them and/or the low pay that accompanies them.

I don't want to go back to school to do something else, I don't want to get back into debt that I cannot repay.

I also lost part of my motivation when I was forced to pay child support. I find it very difficult to be motivated when I have to pay my ex spouse money for the disservice of keeping my child away from me for 18 years.

I am hoping that you can help me get as motivated as everyone else around me seems to be.

I never had any guidance from my mother or father on the importance of working hard or anything related to a career so this has to come into play.

**Please no arguing with me over my feelings about child support. I will report you to a moderator. This is how I feel about child support as do many other people in my shoes. Nothing that you say to me is going to change my feelings about child support. I am only telling you part of what is causing me to feel unmotivated.**

Any thoughts on how to actually care about what I am doing? I know that my job supports my family, but my effective pay is so low that we can never afford to do anything or go anywhere or enjoy life.

I have become very crafty at convincing people that I am a hard worker but once I get in I just slack. It is the truth. I wish I would be like everyone around me who had that mom and dad who told them how to be competitive and/or even fake...but that just isn't me!

Thanks for your thoughts!

[AkAngel]

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom for you; just here to tell you I feel for you. I make sick money doing what I do and can't find the motivation to go to work either. I'm on temporary disability right now and I am so not looking forward to the day that it runs out and I have to jump back in and go back to work. As for the child support - I had made up my mind as I read your initial description that I was going to call a moderator (for the first time) if anyone wasn't supportive of you by attacking those views...I laughed when I saw that you basically said the same thing.

Hang in there; you're not alone.

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom for you; just here to tell you I feel for you. I make sick money doing what I do and can't find the motivation to go to work either. I'm on temporary disability right now and I am so not looking forward to the day that it runs out and I have to jump back in and go back to work. As for the child support - I had made up my mind as I read your initial description that I was going to call a moderator (for the first time) if anyone wasn't supportive of you by attacking those views...I laughed when I saw that you basically said the same thing.

Hang in there; you're not alone.

Woow so I am not the only one. Thanks for offering to assist if the trolling started. Contrasting points of view concerning child support often invite trolling as you are probably well aware. I didn't bring up the child support issue to start an argument as you also know, I just mentioned it to give the big picture. The wonderful part about this site is that this has historically not been tolerated.

Anyways, I am sorry that you are in the same boat as me. Perhaps someone has some words of wisdom for the 2 of us!

Thanks for your kindness!

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by blkchr91

Woow so I am not the only one. Thanks for offering to assist if the trolling started. Contrasting points of view concerning child support often invite trolling as you are probably well aware. I didn't bring up the child support issue to start an argument as you also know, I just mentioned it to give the big picture. The wonderful part about this site is that this has historically not been tolerated.

Anyways, I am sorry that you are in the same boat as me. Perhaps someone has some words of wisdom for the 2 of us!

Thanks for your kindness!

I can tell you that when I lived in Scotland for a while, it just made it worse...watching everyone being able to sit home for the exact same wages they would have made by having to sit around all day and act plastic and phoney with a bunch of people at work who don't even care about you!

Report me if you want. I simply will point out child support and visitation are separate issues. If your ex has refused to allow visitation in violation of a court order, you have recourse.

I assume as a loving father, you want what is best for your child.

[ECHOES]

It's good that you see that it isn't the jobs themselves. That the dissatisfaction and disengagement in your work is part of the larger picture. You've had job losses and personal losses to deal with. Motivation is hard to find when the life we worked hard to create becomes something we barely recognize. Motivation comes from within, is nudged by desires and dreams. When life falls apart, desires and dreams lose their context, their meaning. New ones will come along if you allow them in.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Report me if you want. I simply will point out child support and visitation are separate issues. If your ex has refused to allow visitation in violation of a court order, you have recourse.

I assume as a loving father, you want what is best for your child.

Nothing unsupportive there Byz, nothing to report. That's good info.

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Report me if you want. I simply will point out child support and visitation are separate issues. If your ex has refused to allow visitation in violation of a court order, you have recourse.

I assume as a loving father, you want what is best for your child.

Sorry to say, but "child" support and visitation are not separate issues. They are only separate on paper.

If I can't pay child support, I am thrown in jail and unable to excercise visitation.

What if the ex gave me half the "child" support back under the table so that I can afford to eat in agreement to see my child less?

Think these things don't happen? Think again.

If I can't afford to pay "child" support it is always a "willful" situation in the eyes of the court. I am a second class citizen and that started when I lost custody of my child. If the courts were really fair, there would be a presumption of joint custody.

Failure to pay "child" support is a criminal issue. The ex can effectively have me locked up and thrown in jail without spending a dime.

Failure to allow visitation is a civil issue. You get to pay a lawyer thousands to solve your issue while you are already impoverished by paying child support itself.

Should you attempt to resolve this yourself without an attorney (even if you do have lots of knowledge about the law as I most certainly do) the ex will receive a slap on the wrist.

So let's summarize this. If I can't pay child support because I lose my job I will go to jail and it is a free service that is enforceable by the police.

The ex says no you can't see your child it is a civil issue that is enforceable by a slap on the wrist.

By the way, what on earth does your assumption that I want the best for my child mean?

Of course I want the best for my child. Equal parenting is best for my child. My child should be allowed to see both parents equally, not have to see me precisely one day less per year to ensure that the other parent can obtain "child" support. My child shouldn't have to sit on a milk crate when he visits with me or eat ramen noodles because I am too busy paying my ex money to do drugs or whatever the ex wants to do with the money.

By the way, I said that I would only report someone if they criticized my feelings about child support. Why would you even take that angle unless that is what you meant when you said...
"I assume as a loving father, you want what is best for your child."

I am against paying someone to take my child away from me under the guise that I am an unfit parent. I am against paying someone to impoverish me to the degree that my child can no longer see me or live a good life when he visits with me. Finally, I don't fall for the it's all about the child idealism. I was allowed to live a good life when society considered me a father, not a visitor. Now that I am a visitor and a child support payor I am not entitled to the same level of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Interesting....

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It's good that you see that it isn't the jobs themselves. That the dissatisfaction and disengagement in your work is part of the larger picture. You've had job losses and personal losses to deal with. Motivation is hard to find when the life we worked hard to create becomes something we barely recognize. Motivation comes from within, is nudged by desires and dreams. When life falls apart, desires and dreams lose their context, their meaning. New ones will come along if you allow them in.

Very useful post, this is definitely on the right track. Thank you! Any expansion on this theme is appreciated.

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Nothing unsupportive there Byz, nothing to report. That's good info.

It is not accurate information. It is in reality for most fathers a scenario of wishful thinking. Most often than not, the police will not intervene if visitation is witheld. Witholding my child is nothing more than kidnapping but for some interesting reason, law enforcement views it as a civil issue when a divorce transpires. You have to be rather wealthy and/or willing to wreck your credit and/or the life of your other family members to enforce a visitation issue. This is not the reality for most fathers who have been drained from the legal fees for defending themselves during a divorce (often in vain) and subsequently paying child support and/or alimony on a rotating basis.

I don't know how knowledgable Byz is about how to proceed but the response was status qo for someone who is experienced in this area.

Most fathers would get lost when a vague statement about potential recourse is made. Lost functionally, mentally, and financially.

There is VERY little help for anyone stuck in this situation. To the contrary, if a mother isn't paid her "child" support, she just gets in her car and explains the situation and enforcement is free. She is pampered through the process.

A father has to dig and be impeded the entire way.

This is the true grim reality of the situation.

[DocJohn]

Let me just chime in here and mention that the OP said this thread was about their lack of motivation and problems with working and being under-employed. Please do not derail this thread into one arguing about child support, as that is neither supportive of the OP, nor the OP's purpose.

Thank you,
DocJohn

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by blkchr91

It is not accurate information. It is in reality for most fathers a scenario of wishful thinking.

Okay, more accurately, it was not an attack - which is what I would have considered negative. I know you understand the process as I do, some don't and Byz's suggestion will motivate some to find a solution where a solution is possible.

I saw your 'southerner' tag and found myself wondering where only because I have worked with Texas Father's for Equal Rights in the past. I do get the reality of the situation. Over 80% of all fathers ordered to pay child support are in complete compliance after three years while only 12% of mothers ordered to pay CS are in compliance after only one year - and yet, it's all about the deadbeat dads.

I broke up with a woman over her alcoholism and drug use twenty-four years ago. I learned that she was pregnant at the time ten years later when I was served papers for paternity. It turned out it was my child. She told me that she didn't tell me because she knew that the same man that left because of the drug and alcohol abuse would fight to have custody of 'her' child.

I flew up to meet my child three days after learning of her existance (before paternity was established) and on the last day of my two week trip my ex informed me it was a package deal, I didn't get my child unless I took her too. I was with my wife at the time...not possible even if I wanted to go that route. I declined and flew back, making arrangements to go back up immediately. The alcohol and drug use hadn't stopped, in fact, it had gotten worse. Three days later she had flown out of state to an old boyfriend and married him.

I didn't know that so I didn't think to look for her under a new last name. CS kept coming after me - to start with, for the ten years I had not paid when I didn't know I had a child, followed by current obligations. I went to the court and told my story but of course I was just a guy who didn't want to pay his obligations. I offered to start a trust fund for my daughter and put the money in there AND a matching amount in an account for her mother both available when my daughter turned eighteen so that she wouldn't just spend the money on drugs and become a worse mother than she already was. Denied. Then I asked if I could direct deposit it into her drug dealers bank account to save time. That didn't go over well and I was threatened with jail myself. Yeah, I was being sarcastic but heck... how frustrating.

I lost my daughter, CS or the courts wouldn't help me. I did learn some things I could have done but by that time she was almost an adult - few of us have the means to support ourselves, our families, child support along with a private investigator and attorney's. Fortunately, my daughter found me on the internet when she was 21 years old and we have a relationship today (and is how I know about her mom moving them out of state and getting married three days after I met my daughter). My daughter is in therapy now after a lifetime of abuse and suffers from PTSD, DDNOS and a host of other ailments which are just now beginning to be diagnosed.

Yeah, for the good of the children.

Anyway, I do understand. Depression might be one of the factors which are causing your lack of interest - as was implied earlier, what is left when dreams die off?

[ECHOES]

All through life, things change or turn out to be not what we expect.
This requires adjustments on our parts, a reinventing of who we are by re-evaluating what we want, what we value, what we don't want, what we don't value.
Life is fluid, and we go with the flow normally. When something major happens and we lose what we value, love, and want then we re-evaluate and reinvent, if necessary.

A job that pays a lot may not be desirable at all stages of our life. If how we view and value money changes, motivation could be affected.
Conversely, if the ability to make a certain amount of money we are used to making changes drastically, motivation could be affected.
It's a time to question what is important, and where to go from here.

[blkchr91]

AkAngel, I viewed Byz' suggestion differently but I don't want to get into a hassle over it. You are very wise and have lots of experience I see. You are also right in that by the time you find out what limited things you can do it is too late. I have learned to look at the light at the end of the tunnel concerning my child but by then the damage will probably have been done. I am always looking for pointers at the "big" end of things. I am natively from South Florida where the case took place. I moved off to Central Virginia to survive. Couldn't afford to live there, pay CS, and see my kid all at once. My family sides with the ex too so it made it that much more unfriendly.

I am going to tone my CS defense now. We could take that over to pm if you would like.

You are right on the depression. What can I do? As crazy as it sounds, I haven't even had the time to acknowledge my depression.

Now it is coming to a head.

Any suggestions on being happier at work?

Thanks for sharing your story! Everyone is stuck in one way or another it seems.

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Okay, more accurately, it was not an attack - which is what I would have considered negative. I know you understand the process as I do, some don't and Byz's suggestion will motivate some to find a solution where a solution is possible.

I saw your 'southerner' tag and found myself wondering where only because I have worked with Texas Father's for Equal Rights in the past. I do get the reality of the situation. Over 80% of all fathers ordered to pay child support are in complete compliance after three years while only 12% of mothers ordered to pay CS are in compliance after only one year - and yet, it's all about the deadbeat dads.

I broke up with a woman over her alcoholism and drug use twenty-four years ago. I learned that she was pregnant at the time ten years later when I was served papers for paternity. It turned out it was my child. She told me that she didn't tell me because she knew that the same man that left because of the drug and alcohol abuse would fight to have custody of 'her' child.

I flew up to meet my child three days after learning of her existance (before paternity was established) and on the last day of my two week trip my ex informed me it was a package deal, I didn't get my child unless I took her too. I was with my wife at the time...not possible even if I wanted to go that route. I declined and flew back, making arrangements to go back up immediately. The alcohol and drug use hadn't stopped, in fact, it had gotten worse. Three days later she had flown out of state to an old boyfriend and married him.

I didn't know that so I didn't think to look for her under a new last name. CS kept coming after me - to start with, for the ten years I had not paid when I didn't know I had a child, followed by current obligations. I went to the court and told my story but of course I was just a guy who didn't want to pay his obligations. I offered to start a trust fund for my daughter and put the money in there AND a matching amount in an account for her mother both available when my daughter turned eighteen so that she wouldn't just spend the money on drugs and become a worse mother than she already was. Denied. Then I asked if I could direct deposit it into her drug dealers bank account to save time. That didn't go over well and I was threatened with jail myself. Yeah, I was being sarcastic but heck... how frustrating.

I lost my daughter, CS or the courts wouldn't help me. I did learn some things I could have done but by that time she was almost an adult - few of us have the means to support ourselves, our families, child support along with a private investigator and attorney's. Fortunately, my daughter found me on the internet when she was 21 years old and we have a relationship today (and is how I know about her mom moving them out of state and getting married three days after I met my daughter). My daughter is in therapy now after a lifetime of abuse and suffers from PTSD, DDNOS and a host of other ailments which are just now beginning to be diagnosed.

Yeah, for the good of the children.

Anyway, I do understand. Depression might be one of the factors which are causing your lack of interest - as was implied earlier, what is left when dreams die off?

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by echoes

all through life, things change or turn out to be not what we expect.
This requires adjustments on our parts, a reinventing of who we are by re-evaluating what we want, what we value, what we don't want, what we don't value.
Life is fluid, and we go with the flow normally. When something major happens and we lose what we value, love, and want then we re-evaluate and reinvent, if necessary.

A job that pays a lot may not be desirable at all stages of our life. If how we view and value money changes, motivation could be affected.
Conversely, if the ability to make a certain amount of money we are used to making changes drastically, motivation could be affected.
It's a time to question what is important, and where to go from here.

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there blk,

I think Echoes has it spot on the nose. When motivation is lost it is very difficult to keep going because you don't just lose motivation you lose direction too.

I lost all motivation to work because of depression, anxiety panic and agoraphobia so I understand where you are coming from in that regard. It is very hard sometimes to break the habits created once one falls into that pattern.

I'd advise too that if you don't want something discussed, then don't put it into the post, because once it's written and someone feels strongly about it, they will comment on it...just a thought,

Rhian

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hey there blk,

I think Echoes has it spot on the nose. When motivation is lost it is very difficult to keep going because you don't just lose motivation you lose direction too.

I lost all motivation to work because of depression, anxiety panic and agoraphobia so I understand where you are coming from in that regard. It is very hard sometimes to break the habits created once one falls into that pattern.

I'd advise too that if you don't want something discussed, then don't put it into the post, because once it's written and someone feels strongly about it, they will comment on it...just a thought,

Rhian

You are right. In my situation the loss of motivation is not optional (come to think of it its probably like that for everyone in my shoes), I really need to analyze this more closely as per the wisdom that Echoe has been thoughtful enough to share.

I think I need to get a drink and really think this one through. (I know not politically correct in some places but I can't think of any other way where I am relaxed enough to be this analytical).

Some days I feel like the rock monster in Neverending Story at the part where the nothing comes and takes him away.

I think that the administration here has already done a great job mitigating this. I will let them do their job. I have no regrets about disclosing this piece of information.

Thanks!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

S'ok! blk,

I do hope you find resolution to both sets of issues because I am certain that your partental issue has a powerful effect on your mental state too.

No one deserves to suffer mental anguish especially when they are trying to do the right thing by their responsibilities but is fighting the spectre of blackness and trying to bring a semblance of balance and normality though that is a sliding scale with a different value for each person.

What ever happens just keep plugging away at it and you will eventually have a breakthrough.

Do you actually like your job?

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

S'ok! blk,

I do hope you find resolution to both sets of issues because I am certain that your partental issue has a powerful effect on your mental state too.

No one deserves to suffer mental anguish especially when they are trying to do the right thing by their responsibilities but is fighting the spectre of blackness and trying to bring a semblance of balance and normality though that is a sliding scale with a different value for each person.

What ever happens just keep plugging away at it and you will eventually have a breakthrough.

Do you actually like your job?

Thanks for the encouragement. I hate my job. I hate having been laid off a few months ago and now having to work for about 50% of my previous wages and be all excited about it like everyone else seems to be around me.

This thread is giving me some revelation though. I am starting to notice that more time with my family the job allows me the happier I am! Of course this is within limits. My income still has to be high enough to pay the bills without major concerns.

I think that trying to get a job as close to my home as possible while still paying the bills is my new hobby loool!

I live 62 miles away from work in Washington DC. I can't sell my house without effecting my credit due to the housing market collapse. Any job that is not at least 30 miles away is generally very low in pay. Any job that is between 30 and 50 miles away is like a prize around here. Commute time is 2.5 hrs to 3.5 in each direction!

Thanks for your thoughts! I am beginning to find at least SOMETHING that I like to do!

[Perna]

I don't think anyone can give you tips on motivation for a job you don't like. I spent several years taking jobs with tasks I didn't like to train myself to do them anyway, whether I liked them or not. I don't think that has to do with parent's teaching, is a personal thing with what you like/don't like. I'm still mind boggled with a woman I worked with in the 1970's who loved pure data entry (mostly long numbers) 8+ hours a day.

If you don't want to go to school or compete for jobs you like/want, I think you either have to look at your other interests and change fields or put up with the jobs you have been taking and spend time with your family, which you appear to enjoy, but without spending as much money to have "fun".

I understand about the child support (my husband had alimony and child support for the first 11 years of our marriage); if I were you, I would start thinking of it as a pay raise in X years (when it's no longer payable), kind of like a cost-of-living increase and come up with a plan for what I'd do with that "extra" money at that time (instead of just rolling it into expenses/normal bills). I paid my therapist $800+ out-of-pocket each month for nearly 10 years and was thrilled with my plans for when we terminated. Use the discipline of paying the child support faithfully for your own mental/emotional support and training.

[(JD)]

It sounds to me as though you're battling some depression, especially regarding the loss of your child to someone you no longer care about.

The motivation for working so you can pay for child support might increase if you were to be able to know about how the child is now, have pictures etc. However, if you can see it from the child's point of view, having a daddy who sends money so they can have things and all, is a nifty thought. I doubt the child thinks that way now, but might later in life when they are on their own. You need to be able to meet with them at that time (of course I hope it's soon) and be able to say, even though...you sent the money to provide for them. Being a good dad means being there for the child even when blocked by another.

Life is more difficult during these days of poor economic conditions. It's hard to have hope. Nothing stays the same forever. Nothing. See if you can begin to make plans for "when" things do change. Set some short term goals, and long term ones too. Find something that gives you stress and depression relief and do it from time to time (even if it takes a little money.) While few people are spending what they used to on vacations, it's still a necessary element for relief.

Yes, looking for work should be a full time job. It's always been that way, for those who need to have income. Try to become organized about what you will do each day (at least 5 days a week) in sending out resumes, going on interviews, filling out and following up on applications, making sure your clothes are ready for interviewing and job hunting etc. It is a job. It pays off later, not daily though.

If you become discouraged about finding work you can enjoy, then figure the stats on your own efforts. Odds are there are some for you to have hope about...for every xx number of applications you'll get xx number of calls for interviews...for every x number of interviews, you'll have x number of recontacts etc. The law of averages, odds and stats will pan out imo.

Try to eat correctly. Many people who are down in the dumps eat like they are digging through the trash in the dumps. Without proper fueling of the body, it won't work right, and you won't feel good and it will also effect your thinking. If there isn't enough money to eat good each meal, then spend some of it on a bottle of complete vitamins.

When reading your post I was reminded of how I lost 5 jobs in a row, each one lasting less than 6 months. It was not my fault, indeed, that's the truth, but still I was the recipient of the bad record. I had to let go of the grudges against the previous bosses and go out looking with full intent of still giving the job my all, and holding true to my principles.

Do you really think it was depression or laziness (or a combo) that caused you to lose your jobs? Make a list for each job you held, what was good and what was not good, and where you may have gone wrong.

Is there any chance of returning to one of them and asking to be rehired? Being able to talk to them about what you would do differently might help (if you can.)

Good wishes.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((JD))))

That is a really great post, friendly, but filled with good ideas no wonder you're a legendary wise elder,

Rhian

[blkchr91]

Thanks for all of this wisdom and discussing child support from a seemingly non-biased perspective. I am going to read and respond soon. I won't be able to grow unless I digest and put all of this into perspective.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

You'll get to where you want to be blk...we're all on the road to there, it's just that the journey varies for each person,

Rhian

[blkchr91]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

You'll get to where you want to be blk...we're all on the road to there, it's just that the journey varies for each person,

Rhian

Thank you....

A few things that were said are kind of hitting me. I am just working the night shift at my dead end job so I am extremely tired and don't know if I can get my point across.

One thing that (JD) brought out that I wanted to mention was that I am definitely LAZY at work. I just don't care. I feel like everyone around me tries to task me just to keep me looking busy so that I don't get fired. At least they care. I have got to overcome this.