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  #1  
Old Aug 04, 2005, 02:25 AM
hereiam hereiam is offline
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Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing. I am fine, I'm okay, I'm good, I'm here, I'm strong, I'm capable and I'm functioning. Why the hell am I so apathetic and scared? What is WRONG with me? I go to a therapist only to push her as far away as I can and let myself continue to stumble. I'm not falling, I just think I am. I have a great life with a great family. I'm going to a great school and my grade point average proves I'm smart no matter how many excuses I use ("The class was easy..." "I was lucky...") and I've got everything in the world going for me. So, why is it then, that I cannot trust, believe, or allow myself to truly fall for anyone? Anyone else find themselves in this same dilemma?

I can't trust myself. I go from okay, to unhappy, to bliss, to content, to angry within minutes. I go from certainy to scared in seconds. I had a therapist, and through awesome manipulation, had her believe that I was okay enough to quit. To not go anymore. The problem was, that the manipulation wasn't even what I sincerely meant to do. But with time and effort, it happened anyway. I'm hoping to attribute these feelings to just being young and confused, but I think I've felt this way since I was 12, 13. And yet, I never come online (or in real life) and truly discuss these things with anyone. I mean, why, when I can fix it all, always, by myself? Or atleast thats what I think. But I always find myself stuck in the same mud pit. I think one day I will truly get sick of this (even though I think I already am) and do something about it. But why bother other people with your problems, therapist or civilian? Why do that? They have their own problems, issues, and uncertaintys. Why add yours on top of theirs? That's what I've learned. Be self-sufficient and don't ask for help. It means either pay back, or trouble, or being looked down upon for not being able to do it by yourself.

I don't mean to do one of these online rants or whatever but I can't help it. I saw my T for the last time today (even though I already hadn't seen her in months) and I'm just pissed off at how much time I wasted and how I really feel like I started to trust her. But she's leaving, and I'm leaving for school, and I guess this all was just meant to happen. I'm just tired of being so tired. I'm tired of being bored, alone, angry, anxious, unsure, scared and lost at the same time.

Please tell me anyone else can relate? This is taking such a toll on me. I'm so god damn tired of it all. I just want. to. be. normal.
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-The Colbert Report on 'Things Not To Do After Graduating College'

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  #2  
Old Aug 04, 2005, 02:55 AM
wisewoman wisewoman is offline
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Member Since: May 2004
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Life feels impossibly hard some times. Sounds like you are backed into a wall. I am sorry, I know that place. You are at a time of transitions, Olease make contact with a new t as soon as you are at school. Good luck.
  #3  
Old Aug 04, 2005, 09:39 AM
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shadowdancer shadowdancer is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2005
Posts: 558
maybe you feel this way because you haven't truly realized that you -can't- fix this all by yourself. you can't learn to trust others just by being by yourself and telling yourself to...you have to take baby steps... little by little. trusting others with superficial things and then graduating to larger things. i found i had to turn my manipulating skills inward to myself... i had to trick myself into doing things to help me. try to see if you can do that and if you want more info or help on how, PM me. or if you want to talk or anything, PM me. i know how it feels to want to be normal... i'm also pretty sure that i, personally, am never going to be it. perhaps it's time to think about what being "normal" entails... pick someone that you think is truly normal... think about them and their lives for awhile... and you'll see that normal really is just a different set of problems. take care. emotions are tricky things... i'm sorry yours are making things harder for you. (((((((((((hereiam))))))))))

-shadow
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i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
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  #4  
Old Aug 04, 2005, 09:44 AM
Miss_A Miss_A is offline
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Member Since: May 2005
Posts: 1,274
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hereiam}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you have let out most of your steam out.

Your not a online rant, just a person who needs to get it all out.

Take care...
Sincerely, Miss_A.
  #5  
Old Aug 04, 2005, 01:12 PM
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Twinks Twinks is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2005
Posts: 121
Hereiam,
I sent you a pm.
Twinks
  #6  
Old Aug 06, 2005, 02:00 PM
hereiam hereiam is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2005
Posts: 514
Sorry guys, I wasn't very happy at the time I ranted. :/
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"Next, don't go to Europe to 'find yourself.' Who told you you were over there anyway?"

-The Colbert Report on 'Things Not To Do After Graduating College'
  #7  
Old Aug 06, 2005, 02:09 PM
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(JD) (JD) is offline
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Location: Coram Deo
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Obviously. But you did it so well! ((((here))))) Life changes. And with life changes we often feel undone... only to find something -or someone- who puts us together even better than before... good wishes.
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  #8  
Old Aug 06, 2005, 02:38 PM
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January January is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 15,093
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's horrible to be trapped, isn't it? Shay is right. Therapists are paid to listen. You need one to talk all this stuff out with so you can get started on your path to wholeness.

We'll talk if you wish.

Hugs,

Jan
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I still dream and I still hope, therefore I can take what comes today.
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  #9  
Old Aug 06, 2005, 03:02 PM
hereiam hereiam is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2005
Posts: 514
I'm sure I can attribute the added stress to the crossroads im at in my life. Everything is new and about to go at full speed, sometimes I wonder if I can hang on tight enough to not get let behind, you know? I should be fine. rant. sorry. Thanks everyone for listening!
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"Next, don't go to Europe to 'find yourself.' Who told you you were over there anyway?"

-The Colbert Report on 'Things Not To Do After Graduating College'
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