[Evening]

Okay, so, tomorrow I have a friend coming over and staying the night. I'm doing alright so far, but I know the stress is going to come soon. He is the first friend I've had in my house in 3 months, and the last person only came over out of pity. He is also perhaps only the second or 3rd friend I've had in my house this year. I never have visitors. So I'm no good at having people over. I also have had issues with people just being IN my house because of my trust issues. I'm not as bad as I was, I used to get in a total panic just having someone in a different room in case they started going through my things. I still stress about it but not as much as I did.

Because I barely see people, I've really begun to lose my social skills, I just don't feel comfortable. That's one of the really frustrating things, I get so insanely desperate to have someone acknowledge me, call me, visit me, invite me out, but when I do make plans I start to feel 'maybe I don't really want to see anyone after all'. I think it's because I go from one stress to another- not seeing people for months at a time, not feeling wanted or welcome, feeling like a failure, to how do I come across, do I look bad, do they like me, do they want me here.
The person that is coming tomorrow has invited me with a group of friends on Saturday, I don't know HOW I'm going to manage with that. The last time I went out with more than one or 2 people was 6 months ago. Mostly I've been thinking about how I LOOK, is my stomach still fat, is my hair going to be bad, is my skin clear enough, what am I going to wear that makes me look as good as possible so I'm not too ugly, plus the all the usual things like my teeth and ears. It's not even for another 5 days and I've been thinking about it for 2 weeks. Plus how I'm going to come across, because I do have a habit of become quiet and awkward around certain types of people.

The other issue that is stressing me is that my friend is a guy, and I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable around men. The last person who came over (and I think I made a thread about that too), was making me uncomfortable. He had found out the night before about a lot of stuff, he questioned me for an hour over the computer until I finally just came out with everything. He is a nice guy and really decent, he just approached it the wrong way by trying to make me sit next to him the whole night because he thought that's how I'd get used to being near guys. I spent the night on the other side of the room which made him try to make me sit next to him even more. Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. The last time I sat right next to a guy while watching a movie they started holding my hand, and I could have died on the spot, I've never been so horrified. I feel so silly feeling that way, it should be a normal thing, but for me I can't handle it.

This guy who is coming over tomorrow, we've been friends for years, maybe 7, and we've been closer over the last year or so. He broke up with his girlfriend, so now we see each other more. he is one of the most decent people you could ever know. And I think I used to have feelings for him, but that was when I barely saw him. And he told me he used to have feelings for me too. I doubt he still would though because I've been so down over the last few months and always having some boo hoo story to complain about (but I probably only tell him because I know he actually listens and won't disappear like other people do).
He does touch me a lot though, like if I have a hair in my face he'll brush it away, or he'll fix my clothes for me. I don't really know what to make of it, whether he's just being a friend or being a guy or I don't know. But it makes me feel uncomfortable because he's a guy and he's touching me. Last time I saw him we were talking for about 2 hours before we saw a movie and I told him I don't like intimacy or when guys try to touch me, and he told me he won't touch me or try to hug me anymore unless I go to hug him first. He's not a sleaze.

He doesn't know a lot about me, just little things. I told him recently a little about why I don't drink, and he apologised for all the times he's offered me a drink and said he will never do it again, and he will only leave an open invitation when inviting me out where people are drinking.
I know he's a good catch. But I don't like him in that way. At least not once I started seeing him more often, and just alone.

So anyway, I just needed to vent about it all (as it 'tis what I do best of course!). I'm sorry that I'm always complaining about something, I don't have a lot of people to talk to...

[Fresia]

Venting is good....

I could relate to many things in your post, especially about not being around others and starting to socialize again and keeping boundaries with men. There does seem to be a set of skills that get out of practice using but moment by moment and with deep breaths, they come back, especially with being around more people. It sounds like it could be an enjoyable visit too and you know it's possible to separate at any time of things don't go the way you're comfortable with. He seems open and respectful of your wishes which is an excellent sign, even as a friend and a good friend at that. I appreciate how honest you are in discussing what is going on with you and will help you move forward in your relationships, be it friends or more with whomever, so they are true. I understand your fears but know if, for myself too, if don't try to make connections there won't be any. What is that, feel the fear and do it anyway? I don't mind on one hand being by myself but I do like being with others too at times. Loneliness can be biting sometimes.

Try to enjoy the visit with the boundaries you need and I will be sending good wishes your way for a lovely visit and weekend. Keep us posted as the week goes on though and how it goes.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Fresia

What is that, feel the fear and do it anyway?

You can feel the fear and take the first step -- then see if it seems OK. You are worth keeping yourself safe, you don't have to rush into things to prove you are not afraid. One step, then observe. If it seems OK, then think about taking another step.

Good, Evening. My thought is to let it happen, see where is goes and enjoy yourself.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Evening

He's being a friend to you, and a very good one. As the others say see where it goes..

[Evening]

Well, he's not coming over now so it doesn't matter.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((Evening))))))))

What happened? Did you cancel?

[Fresia]

I know you had mixed feelings bout this visit. Are you ok?

[Evening]

No he did. He said his mother was sick and he has to take care of her. It's a genuine reason, but it still kind of hits me hard because when people do make plans with me they usually get canceled about 60-70% of the time, and a lot of that is because they 'had a change of pans', meaning 'someone more fun was free so I'm hanging with them now'. I don't always get told until hours later while I'm waiting around, or sometimes even not at all. I actually expect it to happen now, I'm more surprised when someone does actually show up like they say they will.
I know my friend has something more important, he did tell me yesterday there was a chance he couldn't come so I was a little more prepared. He said sorry about 10 times now and he will check his work roster for the next time he can come. I still am seeing him on Saturday though (unless that gets canceled too).

[Evening]

Originally Posted by Fresia

I know you had mixed feelings bout this visit. Are you ok?

Kind of bummed yeah... I did actually end up having visitors for an hour or so last night, someone I haven't heard from in months and have kind of brushed off as not the most reliable person on the planet. But we've known each other for 15 years.
I did get a stress stomach ache after they left.

[Elana05]

Hi Evening,

I can relate too. I get that stress stomach ache when I spend too long in certain social situations. It is getting a little better.
How do you feel about going out to a group. Do you do any crafts like knitting? I found a knitting group to be nice because sometimes people get caught up in what they're doing and don't even talk. It can be kind of mellow. Sending good thoughts your way.

E

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dontya hate those stress stomachs?!! Get those often but theres not much can be done about them they pass in their own time. But it shows how the body reacts to stress physically by tightening up...Hope you feel better now

[Evening]

Elana05- I have done volunteering before, a lot of volunteering actually, but I haven't done any for a while because it started getting me a bit down, especially when my train of thought isn't so good. I keep thinking about how I'm always doing this work for free but I can never seem to get a job. But I have been thinking about volunteering with the Salvos, I'm not sure if I will because I am really focusing on getting a job at the moment. As for a hobby group, I don't really know what hobbies I have, I have a few. I tend to go through phases of the things I enjoy, I'll be EXTREMELY into something for a few weeks, and then I won't really be that interested in it at all for months. I tend to enjoy doing my hobbies privately because I can be a real perfectionist.

Well last night I ended up going out with this group of people, for the most part it ended up being a really good time, it was probably the most social I've ever been in years. Literally years. When I was a little tacker I was really outgoing, I used to be able to get up in front of the entire school and loved the attention, I could do anything without being phased. To think I went from that to having an absolute phobia of public speaking, and I get quiet or awkward while with a group of people, and my face going red when I talk to someone.
I did get a little worked up a few times, initially I was only going to go for a few hours and then go home when everyone went to town to drink, but little did I know they were going to drink before that. Someone also smoked weed and was saying casually 'why should I stop, you know?'. I nearly burst into tears, I said to him straight out 'I do NOT want to know, I don't want to SEE it, I don't want to SMELL it, do NOT talk to me about it'. Of course he did keep talking about it, but there was someone else with us who said they were allergic to it. I was pretty livid. The topic of sex came up at one point and someone was talking to me with the complete presumption that I had given and received oral sex. Seeing as I've never even had a RELATIONSHIP, it's not exactly the case. I was trying to evade talking about it before it became apparent that I frankly have no idea and then the questions roll in. I reeeeally didn't want that, I don't want people to know I'm nearly 23 and never had a relationship. I did get questioned 3 times as to why I don't drink, it's very difficult to give an answer, even 'I don't really want to discuss it' isn't enough for some people. And one guy said to me I must have been in an abusive relationship because I'm too attractive to be single without a reason. He had been drinking of course, even though he had initially told me he wouldn't drink at all. He got really aggressive at people when they did so much as accidentally bump into me and not apologise. He has a few issues, but he still weirded me out a little.

But to think even with all of that I actually had a good time.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

And one guy said to me I must have been in an abusive relationship because I'm too attractive to be single without a reason. He had been drinking of course

((((Evening))))

I doubt he is wrong drinking or not. It sounds like a sincere compliment, he just doesn't know your history...

[Evening]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

((((Evening))))

I doubt he is wrong drinking or not. It sounds like a sincere compliment, he just doesn't know your history...

I just found it an extremely odd thing to say, especially as I only met him a few hours earlier. I'm not good around drunk people coming from a family where I'm the only one who DOESN'T drink, so I tend to take things differently than others might.

It is good you got out.