What Has Happened Here?

Ok, time to put my 2 cents worth in.........and I apologize in advance if anyone gets mad at me.

I came here and stayed because I found a core of people that genuinely cared about me, that sometimes I made smile, and that always made me feel better. This "core" group was always here, others came and went, some stayed - but the main core was always here.

I thought I became one of the main group, and I was so happy to be accepted and welcomed. It was our own family that made newcomers feel good and cared about.

Then all of a sudden, because of a misunderstanding (or whatever it was) in CC, two of the main group left. Since that time, others have begun bickering, feelings have been hurt, misunderstandings have arisen among the stronghold of this forum.

Why???????? Isn't the purpose here to help each other, to feel that we can all talk freely without fear of reprisal or mocking? We all know how depression and pain can warp our thinking and our feelings. We always forgave each other if things hurt us, moved on, and STAYED FRIENDS.

Something has invaded this forum and the main core is cracking........people are getting so hurt by others and leaving/taking time out from here. This used to be a place of healing, support and caring. Why can't we just realize that sometimes words are spoken out of pain and when an apology is offered, accept it?

I don't understand why this has happened. I am very saddened by it and wish I could turn the clock back. Everyone here I care a great deal about, but esp. the core group that welcomed me so warmly to this place that I consider a second home.

I am asking to PLEASE, PLEASE, try to get back to where we once were. To be the support group that cares so much about each other and for others. It never used to be so difficult, esp because we all knew and understood each other's pain.

Don't let this happen. No one else leave, please. Even if you feel that you have no need of support from anyone, stay and help others then. You all have so much to offer new members - the gift of having been where they are now. It is never time to move on, when others can benefit from your knowledge and concern.

::::::::::stepping off of soap box:::::::::::::::::::::

Mary Alice

This was written out of caring and concern for everyone here and for this forum. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Hi ((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))) =

This worries me, too, but I really think that everything will be OK. I have always had a real hard time with anyone leaving because of my 'abandonment issues' , but I'm trying to practice 'rolling with it' a little more on here, (a new endeavor for me for sure).

Not to worry though, my friend = you will always have the pesty (pesky?) Peanut around, if that's any comfort = !! Wuv you!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I hope so, Peanut. Ty.

Could I add my 2 cents too ? The same as you Mary Alice, I hope I don't offend anyone.

Besides what you've said above, that we should be here to support, nurture, comfort all, we should be able to freely be ourselves. If someone crosses a line, makes a habit of abuse, then there are ways to deal with that individual so it won't continue.

Not being the devils advocate nor encouraging arguments. Conflict is a part of life. We've probably all had our share of it. Understandably, many of us have learned to avoid it. But at what expense? As badly as we can imagine conflict to be, it's shining opposite is not avoidance, but conflict resolution.

I've been learning more about managing conflict (that is allowing it to exist, and controlling it's effects) thanks to my schools insistence on group projects in every course. It's interesting that conflict is not only expected, it's even encouraged. Unless we assert ourselves, we're not contributing. No one needs a silent member to a group project. Peoples opinions are not always alike. Some of you may think I'm full of it, but some won't. Is anybody wrong? It's easy to agree to disagree, to allow freedom of opinion, to respect differences, and reach compromises.

By asserting ourselves, we risk non-agreement, but non-assertion we risk self-denial. Avoiding conflict, self denial, self imposed silence contributes to depression. In my group meetings I've learned I have a power by simple virtue of being present. My opinions, whether agreed to or not carry equal weight as every person present. I've learned that others are equally willing to assert themselves and equally interested in resolving conflict. A succesful team is one that can rise above it's differences and complete the task. Differences are expected and managed. Productive team members do not allow the differences to cripple them, whether thier ideas are accepted or rejected by the group as a whole. Putting the difference behind, they continue on towards solving the task. Succesful groups do not allow differences of opinion to handicap the group. They encourage ideas from each other, and naturally not all ideas can be used, but if they allowed the differences to overwhelm, there would be no ideas to choose from. Diversity is as much a part of creation as cohesion. Can we agree to disagree and still be kind?

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

I'm so sorry that you are hurting Mary Alice--
I know that it is sad when people leave--I've seen some great people leave the forum--I know that I am not one of the core group--I just come in and give advice where I think I could be of help, but I'm here if you ever need me I'll be here
sorry this isn't the greatest reply--I'm really tired--
best wishes
moonlight

<font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Goethe </font color=purple>

Hugs Mary Alice,
Things are working themselves out. People got hurt and that takes time. I think it will be ok and maybe it will make the group stronger, who knows?
I wasnt to say that your post was beautifully written and very valid. You are special :O)

Want to add, I NEVER said I was leaving....said taking a break, didn't know how long. Since I wasn't sure how long I wanted to let people know. Actually wanting to come back today but it seems so many got the impression I said I was leaving that I feel a little silly just waltzin back in a day later. Just needed a break.
Your a good girl Mary Alice!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

I am in agreement with what you are all saying too I am just coming back in from a few days away and I missed you all immensely. Between my computer being down and then the hurricane...so glad all of that is over.

I have been catching up on posts I have missed and I have sensed some tension but you know what I am thinking? We are a typical "family" that most of us are searching for. Some of us really don't know how it feels to be in a normal family. We are looking for support and understanding and we are so wonderful at giving that but with dealing with different personalities ......we get scared and revert back to our younger selves when we see others arguing...we want to hide and go into the denial stage.

I think this is going to be a great tool for us to learn more about ourselves and isn't that what life is all about? To learn and grow.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Good thinking heather. If we stick around and get through it... we can grow.

Mary Alice.....

I think that the dynamics of this board change with the moods, emotions and emotional well being of the posters. Many times people just aren't in a very good place and aren't in a position to manage conflict. Or, their skin is sooo thin they take offense to the smallest things. I know I have been guilty of that.

I also think that many people are reaching out, crying out for help and sometimes that can be done in a pretty dramatic way at times. I think there has to be some people that get a little tired of the "drama". I know I have been guilty of the "drama" myself. Seems that drama can become a way of life rather than sticking with simple and peaceful. Yes, simple and peaceful would be very good....lol.

Lastly as this is a public forum there are always going to be some posters that people take offense to, or others that abuse these forums to suit their own purposes, simply fight boredom, a whole myriad of things. These are the posters that irritate me the most, but I guess you have to learn toweed through the posts that are not beneficical to you and maintain a relationship with the posters that can offer you something and where you can offer them something in return.

Thanks for responding everyone......I just want "our family" back together - disagreeing is part of life, but not the hurt feelings esp. when we all know so much about each other. That knowledge should enable us to be kinder and more supportive.

Everyone is so incredibly gifted here.

Jill???????? I think we need some more avatars - lol. You are the master of cheering us up with them, let 'em out to play, please.

Thanks.

I'm new to all this...sorry your feeling bad(((( Mary Alice)))) hope things get better....
I do have a question...what are Avatars this is the first forum I have ever been to and it's new to me... Could you please explain...Thanks... and I would like to thank you all for being so supportive of each other and myself... You all have made me feel welcome even when I question myself about being here...Thanks again
Somebody

I do agree with mary alice.
I know I hve not been a mmeber as long as her, but some of the frist ones I meat are leaving too. Which does sadden me to the core...

I hope we can all get some sort of peace in our lives and hopfully make this the fourm it was meant to be ....

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Avatars are those little pictures that we have with our posts, some animated, some not. If you need to know where they are or how to put them in, just let me know.

Take care.

Well, I'd put my 2 cents in here too, but after paying so many bills this week and more due - I'm having to really pinch my pennies. And no - it's not a kinky thing either because pennies really don't do that much for me (ya have to have a 100 of them to get a dollar ... sighsss) and there really hard to pinch for us that aren't all that strong.

This IS a wonderful and great group of people. I would go as far to say I think it IS the best on the web! And we do become attached to those we correspond with and even those we see posting.

At some level we have to become somewhat of a family and as in any families (the best and even the worst) we will have ups and downs (although I'll readily admit I haven't seen a lot here).

We don't always see things the same as everyone here, nor will we ever see everything the same, nor should we. If we did, it is more than likely this forum would lose its effectiveness. We each are different to some degree (although we probably have about as many things in common as we do apart) and it isn't important if we agree all the time.

That we may at some time disagree with another isn't important, but rather, HOW we treat another is. I don't have to agree with anyone here to like them, and even eventually love them. I do however, have to treat them with respect. They deserve that and I owe it to not only them, but to all others here, to the management of this great forum and to myself.

Not long ago, I lost a good friend (a former employer) - he passed away suddenly and without warning. We seldom agreed, but our disagreements never became personal. Instead, we each used the other as a sounding board and held each other with deep respect.

In closing - I don't exactly know what arguements were made, what parties were involved, but hope in the end when the calm arrives, that we all can reflect back and see that whatever our differences nay be, our greatest source of strength lies in those very differences.

Your friend Sam (who is even now thinking he would have been smarter to have kept his mouth shut (or in this case his fingers still?)

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.

Sam,
I for one am glad you got the fingers moving. You "said" good things.
Hugs :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Mary Alice... have you noticed how we closed ranks today? We may bicker amongst us, but don't let anyone else mess with us! We're still strong and going!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Yes I saw and thought it was terrific. I am glad to be a part of such a family that sticks together........gives me that nice "fuzzy" feeling.......

Mary Alice