[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i went to my family doctors office today,,they have some temporary docs until they can find a permanent replacement for him(since he died)...i just kinda wanted to put in my chart what i was doing i guess(going to mental health,,getting diagnoses and being further tested for personality disorders)..talking to the doc she told me i was very brave to take these steps to help myself..she questioned alot about suicide(i could never leave my children feeling horrible because i did that, so i could/would not ) and some about my worries..she also gave me something to calm the anxiety for now until after i see the psychiatrist again.....my problem is now i feel even worse(havent taken any med yet so not that) i feel like a failure,,i feel like i put myself under a microscope with a big spot light shining on it...i also feel that people (or docs)will make assumptions about me...now i feel like if i take too long to do the work they will be watching and saying "if that girl dont go back to work and learn to trust her child with someone then she must be not able to hold it together" or "she must parent terribly"....i could have not done anything , just stayed unhappy and anxious and nobody would ever question my sanity because my children are healthy and taken care of....i feel like maybe this is the wrong decision and i should back out and hold off until at least the baby is a little older...i dont know,,i just wanted to be able to be happy and now i have all this stuff coming out that i always kept hidden,,like the abuse i suffered,,and how insecure i really am inside,,i cant stop the memories and i have a hard time keeping positive...i feel selfish and stupid and i have no support except on here and i dont even know any of you........could someone please give me a little advice on why/how i should keep strong...im having a hard time concentrating and i dont have the time to read a million motivational articals,,maybe i just need a real hug...

[(JD)]

Does the term "cognitive distortions" ring a bell for you? You are making assumptions (or the depression is doing that for you) that have no basis. (There's a list of them at the top of the psychotherapy forum, and how to counter them.)

Do you have medication the doctor thinks you're taking? You have a right not to, but you need to let the doctor know that you aren't if so.

Why not try the medication if you have it, and see if that helps limit the worrying you are doing.

[sundog]

((((((Queen of Wands))))))) I agree with everything JD says here. And I also agree with your doctor who told you that you are brave for seeking help. I understand all about self-doubt and second-guessing ourselves, but you really are doing the right thing by getting help!! I know you want to feel better more quickly and it's super-frustrating when it feels like we're getting worse instead, but you are doing all the right things and it will pay off!! I really hope things start to improve soon. In the meantime, here are some hugs

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i will read that thank you...i have not started meds yet,,waiting until after my psychological assessment,,i had adverse affects from antidepressants b4 and when i told the psychiatrist about that he said ok ,wait...i got some clonazepam today but have not taken any yet....thank you for the support i just hope things start getting better b4 they get too much worse...altho i guess i do feel a bit stronger in the last month than i have in a long time...hugs to you as well thank you...i will try to stop doubting

Hello, Queen of Wands. Getting better is hard work. Challenging your perceptions of yourself and how you perceive others view you is useful work. Cognitive behavioral therapy is premised on debunking invalid perceptions.

You are brave to pursue a better life. Good luck.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Starting out with any medical treatment can be quite scary. I remember there was so much going through my head, at first, such as: " Can I truly trust these people(my treatment team)?, What if I am misdiagnosed?, Are the side effects truly that bad?, What if the medication does not work?, etc.."

Of course, it wasn't until after I started feeling better, due to my compliance on medical treatment, that all of my doubtful questions were being answered with a big, fat, " It is worth it to comply".

Though, you have to experience it, yourself, through your own battle. From one warrior to another, let me pass on some pretty common, yet, truly helpful advice....

• Study up on your illness/symptoms.
• Make the lifestyle changes that will promote your healing.
• Keep your treatment team well informed, even if you are feeling better. Though, especially if you are feeling worse.
• Be compliant and follow your treatment teams's orders as directed.
• Accept as much positive support that is as comfortably possible, for you. Do not ever hesitate to ask for help.
• Most importantly, love yourself for who you are. Which, btw, is, indeed, a warrior.

Have a good one.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

Originally Posted by Princess_Obsidian

Greetings,

Starting out with any medical treatment can be quite scary. I remember there was so much going through my head, such as: " Can I trust these people(my treatment team)?, What if I am misdiagnosed?, etc.."

Of course, it wasn't until after I started feeling better, due to my compliance on medical treatment, that all of my doubtful questions were being answered with a big, fat, " It is worth it to comply".

Though, you have to experience it, yourself, through your own battle. A battle soley meant for you. If you truly want to be the best warrior possible....

• Study up on your illness/symptoms.
• Make the lifestyle changes that will promote your healing.
• Keep your treatment team well informed, even if you are feeling better.
• Be compliant and follow your treatment teams's orders as directed, no matter how much better you start to feel.
• Accept as much positive support as possible.
• Most importantly, love yourself for who you are. Which, btw, is, indeed, a warrior.

Have a good one.

thank you Princess...these words sound very wise and from experience..it is very hard i have all those doubts and more but everyone says its worth it and like the Byz said to me before...how i am living my life now is not working so if i want to be happy then i should keep going...or something close to that,,lol,,i have never had anyone care about my feelings like i have seen on this site,,i want to be better and i guess sometimes i whine (or whatever)but ultimately this support is keeping me stronger than i would be without it and i am deeply grateful ..thank you

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((((((((((Queen))))))))))))))))

Sending you many hugs to hold you up and support you. Byz is very right as is JD and the others. Don't stop, please keep going even if it is at a slower pace. Allow yourself the medication when the anxiety is high and you are agitated. It will work for you and you will find that you are able to relax a little after you have taken it. Please care for yourself and know without a doubt that we are behind you every step of the way, ok?

Rhiannon

[sanityseeker]

((((((Queen))))))

Congrats on making these steps. It can all be very overwhelming I know. I am still trying to come to terms with accepting and trusting treatment myself so I can relate.

I think it is sort of like a volcano erupting when you finally ask for and receive that initial help. You have been holding so much in and coping on your own for so long it is like this huge release when you finally do ask for help. The vulnerability of it all then starts to bubble up a whole new and very foreign set of responses.

Breath.... echoe the words of the pdoc.... 'you are very brave' in your head and stay there without giving voice to the fears. Acknowledge that you are full of doubt and worry but return to the words of the pdoc.

You ARE very brave and you are making a choice to improve the quality of your life and the life of your children for years to come. The journey won't be easy and things won't turn around quickly but you are one step further on the road then you were yesterday. Be proud of your accomplishment today.

Wishing you a good night's sleep and a brighter, calmer view of things tomorrow.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

went to see a psychologist today,,she was very nice,,i answered a test(343 questions),,she told me she will score it and then give the results to the psychiatrist and councellor,,then they can know the best course of action for my treatment,,i still feel weary because im worried about the results but it was not nearly as scary as i thought,,another step towards my recovery right? ty for the nudge to help keep me moving forward,,i needed it .. waiting for my next appointment,,hopefully wont be too long