Passive aggressive bullying at work

Hi everyone

I have come home from work feeling really low and upset. I love my job but there is one woman who really is quite unpleasant in what I feel is a passive aggressive kind of way. several other people have made complaints about her including a colleague.

Today she asked me something about a job I was doing, but as is usual for her she asked in cocky I know better than you kind of way. I objected and she did her usual thing of responding with the comment "it's not all about you." I don't know what the rest of you think but I find this retort really agressive and dismissive. so I snapped back and told her if she used that particular phrase again I would get really angry. Others in the office heard this and I felt upset, but also ashamed for my behaviour.

I feel even angrier now because later in the day I apologised to her for my behaviour because I could not bear the atmosphere. She accepted my apology but made no attempt to apologise for her actions. Ifeel so upset about it. Sorry for the whinge.

((donut)) - sorry this happened. Is this woman in a higher position of authority at work? If she isn't then she should mind her own business.

Hi lynne

Thanks for reply. No she is in the same position as me, though you would think she was. In fact I have been in the job longer and am more knowledgeable in some things than her. It's all the passive aggressive stuff I hate and the way she turns everything on me. Most of all I am cross for flipping apologising to her!

donut, ppl like this in the workplace can really damper one's spirits. i'm wondering if this isn't one of my sisters, lol. if it were me, i'd avoid conversation with her and when you have to speak, minimally answer her question. any more conversation with her can "set you up". go on about your business and focus on your work. so sorry this happened to you. it is upsetting when ppl go out of their way to be unkind. i'm betting she isn't happy at home either.

IMO I feel you didn't need to apologize because I feel you were justified in asserting yourself. I know what you mean about apologizing - you're expecting the other person to be gracious and make atonement also and it's disappointing when it doesn't happen. I hope she learns something from this, but people like that are pretty hard headed lol. Wouldn't it be nice to be a kid again and say "well then, I take it back".

Many thanks both, Good advise about minimal conversation, I did walk right into her trap. Trouble is she knows about my bipolar diagnosis and I think she uses this. I have never heard her say "it's not all about you," to anyone else. Shame I sit next to the old trout!

not talking to her is a good 1....but i'm more the typ that would smill at her real sweet and say " the world doesn't revole around you eather sweety" and then turn away....but when someone makes me mad i try to turn it around on them..........maybe this isn't helpfull but ........

Greetings,

If you do not mind my asking, what exactly has she done/said to you? Is she aware of your victimized feelings? Of course, most importantly, are you sure your ill mind is not trying to convince of such negativity?

Whatever your answer/answers are, please, do your best to stay positive, on your part.

Have a good one.

I had a bit of this problem with two co workers in two different places. I usually just try to act like I don't catch any of their passive agressiveness. it usually drives them nuts but lowers the general ttension at the workplace. Since I am a foreigner here, I can always play the stupid American and just flash them the huge smile and the "golly geee" and "OOOOOOOH, thank you soooooo much, I would NEEEEEEEEVVVERRR have seeeeen that!" Then ask the boss or the next person up if they have constructive ideas on how to deal with the problem so they know you are trying.

The thing with passive agressive is that it is done through tone so that they will never have to own up for actually SAYING anything to you, while using that tone and body language to hurt. Knowing that, you can pull the snake's teeth by not responding. I would not recommend playing the same game, as your colleagues may not necessarily side with you in the long run if the situation becomes too generally unpleasant. Just my 2 cents worth. Sounds like a generally unpleasant peiece of work, this one. Huggs and good luck!

hi donut,

i have thought about this. i am going to assume you have inner email at your job. i am going to assume its not in your job description to answer to her in any way (regarding what you are doing).

i am a big believer in boundaries and consequences and set statements (practiced) used to respond to a consistent inappropriate behavior.

it is true that passive aggressive people use body language and tone to their advantage so that they seem so innocent in their *words*.

i would ask the person to not make any personal statements to me as that is a form of harassment and will be reported to human services. if it is not in job description to engage with this person regarding your job, you can also state you would prefer to not spend time on the job explaining about the job you are working on.

i would also inform them that if they choose to continue to make personal statements or attempt to engage in areas that are not in your job description that all future correspondence will need to be addressed through email if they want a response. (you could email your boundary statement instead of speaking to them)

if they continue with personal statements or harassing, all you do as a response is CALMLY state, please send that to me in email. and while you state this do not make eye contact, don't raise your voice, act as if you don't care (even if you do, they want a reaction probably and that is their payoff) . even if you have to repeat it 20 times...continue working (act as if reading something and turn the page even) and keep calmly stating...i will respond to you when i receive it in email. do not change the statement according to how they respond. just keep repeating i will respond to you when i receive it in email.

also i would definitely report to human services that you will not tolerate harassment on the job and would like for them to speak with this person. also inform human resources your boundary regarding email if future communication is needed.

i would love to role play to help you with this person if you ever get a chance to make it to the chat rooms. if you see Moreta, you could ask her to IM me to see if i am online and ask me to join you.

i hope this makes sense. feel free to pm me if you would like to try this and if anything else comes up regarding this situation.

no one should tolerate harassing or bullying no matter if an adult or child. and no one needs to know your mental health issues on the job site.

Thank you very much every one. As you have all pointed out it is very difficult because it not what she says particularly, more how she says it. She just gets my back up and it is difficult not to react to her. However I am not the only person she has pipped off. She is so aggressive, but in a very underhand way. I am going to take the advise on here and try very hard not to get into dialogue with her. I will also attempt not to sit next to her. It is possible to desk hop and I could probably do it with out it being too obvious. She spreads poison where ever she goes. I don't love my job as much as I used to because of her nastiness. I am trying hard to think in a mindful way. I will ignore her.

This is a long shot but simply food for thought:

If it is common knowledge that you are bipolar, she could be considered harassing or discriminating against you due to your disability. It would take proving that she is treating you in a harmful way because she knows of your disability and doesn't like being next to you. You might confer with HR about it. Also, she must be treating you in a different manner than she treats others currently sitting near her. JMHO HR would be able to help you on this one. They are also responsible for helping you with any accommodations that will make doing your job easier, i.e. changing desks.

Hope things get better for you soon. Hugs.

Thanks very much. I don't want to make a huge fuss about it. Considering that she has already had several other complaints I think I will just hang fire. Knowing how she behaves she will pretty soon pip someone else off. Given that we work with multiple agencies, let's hope it is someone quite high up the food chain!

Thanks very much for all your responses.

well, couple things, first id straight blow her off, your better than she is anyway. i always like smart alec comments, with people like that. but dont let her play the bipolor card with you, thats not right.how does she know your bipolor?
one time i had this lady at work that would call me 'death' because i always wore black. so, loudly she and her little group of girls walk in and she says ' oh look, deaths here.' so i leaned over to her real quiet and said ' call me that again, ill show you the meaning of the word'..it wasnt a threat, but it shut her up.she didnt call me that again..yay!
you got to blow people like that off, they dont exist, so dont even grant them your time.

[QUOTE=donut;1528191]Hi everyone

I have come home from work feeling really low and upset. I love my job but there is one woman who really is quite unpleasant in what I feel is a passive aggressive kind of way. several other people have made complaints about her including a colleague.

Today she asked me something about a job I was doing, but as is usual for her she asked in cocky I know better than you kind of way. I objected and she did her usual thing of responding with the comment "it's not all about you." I don't know what the rest of you think but I find this retort really agressive and dismissive. so I snapped back and told her if she used that particular phrase again I would get really angry. Others in the office heard this and I felt upset, but also ashamed for my behaviour.

I feel even angrier now because later in the day I apologised to her for my behaviour because I could not bear the atmosphere. She accepted my apology but made no attempt to apologise for her actions. Ifeel so upset about it. Sorry for the whinge.[/QUOTE


I was excited about joining a new work group 2 months ago. I would be working on topics I love. I am now depressed and the project is falling apart. My boss says its not my fault but That does not make me feel any better. The person who I replaced tells me she left because of a woman on the team like you describe. The contractor on the job tells me she abusive on the phone when I am not there. When I read your posting I thought I must have written it. She blames everyone for the group breakdowns and will not take responsibility. She claims she is the victim. I can walk away unharmed from work I love, but she will continue bullying, victimizing contractors, and diminish services for those who are in great need of them. This is a loose, loose situation . I am depressed and don't know what action to take.