[hayward]

I see lots of posts that begin with or include statements like this: "I use to..", and "Before this ...."

But I am 50 years old now, and I don't feel any of those things. I never was a happy person, a person with hobbies and fun and lots of friends. So when I think of "getting better", I have no reference point. As far back as I can remember, my life was sad, or troubled, or difficult- never carefree. ALWAYS something disturbing in my head.

Sure, there have been times that were better than others. But always I have felt a hole in my heart. There has never been room for anything else inside my head- it has always been filled to the brim with sadness, regret, worry, and guilt. I would give anything to just be able to live in the minute, but there seems to be no room for it. For example, I have books I do not read, art supplies I do not use. I just can't "lighten up," let myself go, and actually do things that could make me feel satisfied or outside of myself. It's like I am just too busy being miserable to let anything else inside. I am guessing that this is why my memory so often fails me. Does anyone get what I mean?

[racee]

yes! i agree! i talk to my p-doc and it gets very hard for me becasue my hole life has been turmoil and i am just tired...i'm tired of not for once catching a break and knowing happiness....and i know i can love and people love me i just don't feel it. nothing holds that ultimate enjoyment sure i can be happy...am i really happy...no! but my response says i should. oh yeah a surprise for me look at my face yeahhhhhh......!! i'm tired of never being able to be a child and be care free i'm tired of always having the responsibility and burdens to bear to help others cope and i can't help myself...i'm tired of not showing my true feelings because if i did everyone would say i was unemotionable and have no soul (yes have been told this many a times as a child and teenage years) it's called being numb so you can survive from day to day...just plain tired and i could go on. i was dealt a bad hand and i just have to learn how to use what i got and go on. I UNDERSTAND

[Perna]

You're right, there is no before or after, there's only now.

One has to create what one wants, it doesn't just happen. If you want good grades in school, you study; if you want to have a particular skill, you practice. I use to hate it when my stepmother would remind me that people weren't going to come beat down my door to meet me, that I had to go out there. But it is true. What you try to do is what you'll get better at, couch potatoes get better at being couch potatoes

It took me approximately 30 years of therapy and life to begin figuring that out. You only have your own experiences to work with, looking out the window at what others are doing doesn't help. Pick something, anything you might enjoy or think you might think you might enjoy, and work on that. I got out of my head very slowly by starting with reading (instead of daydreaming/fantasizing) and worked hard in 20 years of therapy. I don't know if I'd do it that same way or not if I had to do it again; I sometimes think about that, what I "could" have done differently, what time I wasted doing nothing, etc.

It's continuous too, it doesn't stop, you don't get happy and stay there. No such place. You just get to know yourself better and get comfortable at your job, expressing yourself.

[purple_fins]

I can sooooo relate to what you experience hayward.

I wrote something in the PTSD forum you might relate to(hope this link works)....scroll down to the the 3rd reply-- does it sound familiar?
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...=166578&page=2

I like what Perna said-- about having "now" and working on what one wants in their life.

sorry this is a bit short, i've got to get going now.

fins

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by hayward

I see lots of posts that begin with or include statements like this: "I use to..", and "Before this ...."

But I am 50 years old now, and I don't feel any of those things. I never was a happy person, a person with hobbies and fun and lots of friends. So when I think of "getting better", I have no reference point. As far back as I can remember, my life was sad, or troubled, or difficult- never carefree. ALWAYS something disturbing in my head.

Sure, there have been times that were better than others. But always I have felt a hole in my heart. There has never been room for anything else inside my head- it has always been filled to the brim with sadness, regret, worry, and guilt. I would give anything to just be able to live in the minute, but there seems to be no room for it. For example, I have books I do not read, art supplies I do not use. I just can't "lighten up," let myself go, and actually do things that could make me feel satisfied or outside of myself. It's like I am just too busy being miserable to let anything else inside. I am guessing that this is why my memory so often fails me. Does anyone get what I mean?

Yeah I get what you mean .big huggs

[Melbadaze]

Yes I use to fit into that catogary, it made trusting in today a whole lot harder, but it also makes me a whole lot more grateful as I work through my past and get a taste of a better things. I had a horrible early life and certainly don't intend to continue that in my 2nd chance at life.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by hayward

I never was a happy person, a person with hobbies and fun and lots of friends. So when I think of "getting better", I have no reference point. As far back as I can remember, my life was sad, or troubled, or difficult- never carefree. ALWAYS something disturbing in my head.

Are you sure you arent describing me? Because, this could be one of my diary entries. o.o

[lonegael]

It's easy to let " not happy" become an enduring identity feature. I had a bit of a shock not long ago to sit up and realize, that dang! I wasn't happy but I was content. I had been this intense, snarly scrapping little b"#%& for so long that realizing that the shoes didn't fit almost sent me into another crisis. Can you think of a dumber reason to have a panic attack? Yet I almost did. It was like, I wasn't ME anymore. Now, I figure, I can live with that.

[Junerain]

(((((((((((((hayward))))

My life was always difficult as well. I have no reference for feeling okay..Therapy has helped me enormously, have you tried therapy with the RIGHT therapist? Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you I truly feel your pain