[marriedbee]

As I sit here, wondering what to write on this , should I even bother you all ?? I havent been on this in a while , things have been all over the place , When I joined this group a few months ago ,it was to get advise on an issue I was having in my new marriage , internet porn.My husband and I have been working through this issue ,he has said he wouldnt look at it any longer,we have talked , cried , laughed but I feel now , like I am more like a mother or something to him , like I scolded him for being naughty or something,not sure if this makes sense to you or not?? I believe him , when he says he doesnt view online porn now, but at the back of my mind I think, what if he does but now he is just being extra careful to delete the history?? On a more personal level ,I have been going through depression and severe anxiety the last while ,I have tried my best to hide it , to keep it to myself , but I feel its going out of control My marriage is suffering, I try to keep things as normal as possible, but each day is a battle , we never have intimate times anymore , I know my husband is wondering whats wrong.but I feel so tired , tense , sad , ugly , all the time now that I just want to sleep all the time , I would really appreciate any advise xxxxxxx thank you

[(JD)]

It's good that you are posting and reaching out for support. IMO unless your spouse is in therapy, either individual or group, for that addiction, it isn't going to go away. You don't need a son, you need a spouse! Tell him to man-up and go get himself help, regardless of what he says he is or isn't doing. Your instincts are probably right.

Think about how this is affecting you, and what your options are in taking care of you regardless of what he does. Take care of yourself first; no one else will.

[madisgram]

i totally agree with JD. hubby needs professional help. the odds are not in his favor if he doesn't. that in turn impacts you. i'd lay down the gauntlet on this situation. if he resists from the start you have your suspicions confirmed. if he willingly goes he's got a chance of recovery. i know ppl who have this addiction. they revert back to their old ways, some even after they got help.
as for your relationship souring well why wouldn't it after this betrayal of trust?? if you want to try to make a go of it with him i'd suggest you all going out to dinner once a week, not casual, and put some romance in your lives. he's got to be onboard with this. if not-kaput. a good heart to heart with him to see where he stands if in order. i'd tell him exactly how you feel. he caused the problem so he needs to try to put things right.
and of course you are a beautiful lady. your life has been sorely bruised. get on with it even if he doesn't want to participate. join something you're interested in, lunch with friends, anything to spark your spirit! don't let his actions damper it. he should feel less than, not you.

[Leed]

Hi "Bee" ~ Bless your heart, I can almost feel the depression in your words.

First I think you should see your medical doctor to make sure everything is ok there. Sometimes a simple blood test can answer all sorts of questions and tell you what is wrong. It's worth a try.

If all is well there, then a good therapist is in order. Something is bothering you and it may be something you aren't even aware of - or you may know what it is, but don't know how to handle it. There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a therapist ~ I've been in therapy on and off most of my adult life. I'm a better person for it.

And please don't worry about your husband. We can't change other people. If he sneaks and looks at porn, there's nothing you can do about it. Nagging, pleading, threatening won't work. It's like an addiction - he has to WANT to stop. You can't MAKE him stop. God bless you Bee, and take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

I hope you are able to find happiness, soon.

Have a good one.

[ana_rdh]

I wouldnt say porn is an addiction. If your husband watches porn it doesnt mean he doesnt find you attractive anymore. It is a habit rather then addiction. You can not compare your self to porn actress. It is not immoral to watch porn.

[Lilleth]

It may not be immoral to watch porn but you can bet your life that it gives the person ideas and its devastating on the persons married to them. They look at stuff and they prefer to spend time they should be spending with you looking at stuff that if they dared they would want to do to you. It becomes an addiction because they get more pleasure from watching the stuff they see and worse of all they sometimes want to try and get you to do stuff thats not what you want they compare you to porn stars and want to do all what they look at. Its very hurtful when your partner prefers to spend more time with the computer or those made up worlds than with you.

[Yoda]

I don't think that porn is necessarily bad for a couple. It depends on the individuals in the relationship.

When I was married to my husband he looked at porn and chose pleasing himself alone over sex with me. That was upsetting to me and I was not getting my needs met.

But in my next relationship my BF and I looked at porn movies and magazines together and he would say I would like to do that to you and I said do it. We both were pretty frisky and like to try variations and we even made our own porn film together (just for our own viewing).

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by ana_rdh

I wouldnt say porn is an addiction. If your husband watches porn it doesnt mean he doesnt find you attractive anymore. It is a habit rather then addiction. You can not compare your self to porn actress. It is not immoral to watch porn.

hello ana

Welcome to pc. Porn can be a devastating addiction and has ruinied many marriages. My best friends husband is addicted to porn and it is causing all sorts of problems. He refuses to get help, he says he's embarrassed. In fact he just doesn't want to give up porn.

He bought himself a laptop which he has at work, and locks in the boot of the car so he can perve whenever he wants to and at home he sits in the car looking at porn.

She loves her husband and they have 4 kids together, so I think she would have a lot of trouble trying to raise 4 kids on her own because she isn't the strongest person around. But believe me porn addiction is real.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((marriedbee))))))))

I can understand how this upsets you. the ex-husband was a porn freak...in fact he was just a freak full stop. The fact that he was such a porn freak really put me off him. I called it his disabiity; he hated that and was mean about it. But I can't help the fact that it made him distasteful to me. It was one of the many things that put an end to the marriage.

I understand too how it takes away your self confidence because you feel that you are not alluring or sexy to your husband and he prefers to see other women naked. In fact it is not about seeing the women naked it is about the sex and watching the act and feeling like a voyeur that excites many.

Therapy will help, but if he doesn't want to stop the addiction he will avoid any help at all. So maybe you could seek out some therapy for yourself with a therapist, one whom can help you to accept that it is nothing you lack, have said, or have done that created your husbands addiction to pornography.

Supporting you unconditionally,

Rhiannon

[marriedbee]

Its not that I have a problem as such with porn itself , its more to do with how my husband has neglected me because of his constant watching of it.There have been times when we have gone weeks/months witout any intimacy in our relationship,I blamed myself , but it was not until I confronted my husband , that he admitted to watching and touching himself to porn several times a day , when I was out of the house.His needs were being met , in his own way but I was left feeling like I was this ugly,almost untouchable person.I didnt even feel like I was a real woman,porn can and has damaged relationships.The thing is I once offered to view this stuff with my husband , but he refused , I have everything I can to save my relationship and my marriage ,even now he says he hasnt viewed it , he still makes no effort towards me and I feel back at square one again .I know I probably sound like a prude but I am at a loss for words . Thank you all for your answers xxxxx

[Rhiannonsmoon]

You're not a prude bee, I don't think those who've not been confronted with this situation can fully appreciate the damage it does. It's one thing to support those having the addiction it's another to witness the devastation it causes to partners.

Partners rarely get the support they need and their feelings are not considered at any point. No one is saying that porn doesn't have it's place, but masturbating six or more times a day is not normal. And when it takes away intimacy from a relationship it is beyond a simple desire to peep & pry.

It is at that point there comes a threshold that can lead to breaking the law and using the "addiction" as an excuse for breaking the law and being a sex offender.

I still say that you need the support of a therapist to help you through this bee,

Best of luck and please message me if you want to talk