 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Jan 02, 2011, 01:25 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
This is probably a pretty random post, but it's in my mind big time today.
If anyone asked me, I would have to say that I think I am a very nice person- kind and sensitive and really giving. (Sure, I hate myself, but I do think I am nice..) But seriously, I am ridiculously nice to others and would do just about anything for them. But really, I am not very nice at all, at least to my husband. He is always asking me why I am so angry, why I find it easy to be so mad at him. Last night he said "why do you have so much trouble liking me, or finding anything good about me." Yes, we are in a bad place in our marriage right now, and I know lots of that has to do with me being really depressed. (and not being nice to him!) And yes, I DO realize that we often take things out on those around us because we feel safer doing that. The reality is that he has been the only constant in my life for about 28 years. The thing is, I don't LIKE feeling so mean to him, and I actually DO think I would feel better if I said and did nice things for him. But for some reason I just can't let this bitterness go.. I don't know, maybe it helps keep me sad and I don't want to let go of it. Maybe I don't want to be nicer because it might make me seem happier and I don't want him to think I could be happy, because I need someone to feel bad for me and worry about me..??? |
|
#2
Jan 02, 2011, 01:41 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
What bitterness, hayward. Do you know its source?
|
|
#3
Jan 02, 2011, 02:38 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Bitterness?? Oh my, where would I begin? I guess that is mixed up with the sadness and anger and hurt inside that hole in my heart.
Having said that, if I just try to limit this to the issue with my husband, maybe I am upset because he seems to basically have his life together in so many ways. He has a really good balance; he can now work from home, he knows what he wants to do, he makes decisions easily,he exercises by playing sports he enjoys, he has satifying hobbies and connections with other people, he can distract himself easily, he doesn't think too much, he is fine with being in public, he is okay with the dysfunction in his family, he can deny problems with the best of them, he is confident, self assured, rarely cries, doesn't ruminate, escapes into distractions easily, and he is, in general, a pretty happy guy. He doesn't need me in the same way I need him. He doesn't know what it's like to feel this deeply. I am jealous. |
|
#4
Jan 02, 2011, 02:48 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
Just as often I have communicated being well when I was not well at all. While I really appreciated it when my family took notice of my declining state it started to pain me more to see the worry on their faces or hear it in their voices. Particularly my aging dad. I hated how much he worried about me so I started to fake it with him. The thing is that when I am unwell and admit it I get calls and emails from my family. When I am well and admit it or unwell and fake it the calls and emails fall off. I guess it should be obvious I crave their attention though I would be hard pressed to admit that to them. If I were to admit that I imagine the course of action would be to seek their attention in healthier ways. I could initiate more contact rather then waiting on them. I could believe in myself more and consequently be less needy of others to affirm me. I can get pretty nasty with my son sometimes. I hate myself afterwards but in the moment it can be hard to pull back. I get so caught up in my sourness and the rage that I don't know how else to function. When my depression broke a while back I was afraid to trust it. I seemed to hold on to the more familiar sadness just because it was familiar and because it provided me with the walls that kept people away. It served as a banner to everyone to stay away. If I started to be happy and sociable and the depression hit again I would be trapped. I would have to build up the walls again. I would have to rehang the banner. It was a few weeks of stable before I trusted it enough to share the good feelings with anyone. Even then I experienced a kind of identity crisis. I had been in a mostly depressive state for months and didn't relate to myself when it broke. I found myself sort of acting depressed just to feel familiar with myself. I did rediscover the gift of sharing kindnesses again because I wanted to and not because I was obliged. Especially with my son. As I gradually started to laugh out load again and engage in activities again and do things to make my son happy I got more comfortable with it. At first my son looked at me with suspicion. Was she manic and did he need to expect a crash or was she okay. He didn't know but as the good days pile onto one another with only minor blips he seems less throughtful of the why in my mood change and more engaged in spending time with me while my mood is good. I hope you find the answers you seek. 28 years is a long marriage by today's standards. He must love you dearly and feel the love from you amid the storming. |
 hayward
|
|
#5
Jan 02, 2011, 03:24 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
I wonder though about his need for you. It is likely not in the same way that you need him but his need for you in his own way may be just as real and just as important to him. I totally understand what you mean when you say he doesn't know what it is like to feel this deeply. In my experience that is totally accurate. He can't know. Only those who have been there know what it is like. Observers are perplexed by it all. They can be empathetic to a point. Sympathetic to a point. Understanding and patient but they will never know what it is like without having lived it. We so wish they could know. Sometimes we want it for validation and compassion. 'See, its pretty rough hey.... its not so easy to 'get over it' from my side of the street is it?' We want to be recognized for our strength. It takes great strength to endure the pain somedays. That is were PC and other connections with people in the same boat comes in for me. Here people get it. They live it so they get me. I don't have to justify myself with people who get it. Outside of PC even if no one around me is asking me to justify or bounce out of my lack of motivation, energy, enthusiasm, drive, stress management skills, poor outlook on life etc etc I impose it on myself. I measure myself against others and where I don't measure up I am brutle on myself. That will sometimes come out as rage towards the person I am trying to measure up with or back onto myself with more judgements. I hope you are able to resolve some of these strains in your life and in your relationship. I can imagine how lonely you must feel. While on one had it is wonderful that your husband is happy and healthy it has to be hard to be around when you are feeling the opposite in every way and don't know if, or when or how it will ever change for you. It sounds like you are really feeling the pressure of everything right now. So many questions and so few answers. It will get better. You are going to determine that happens. Be patient and kind with yourself. Take things step by step until you get where you want to be. Keep your dreams alive. |
| hayward
|
|
#6
Jan 02, 2011, 05:36 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
first of all depression can cause us to be irritable. it sounds like it's "coming out sideways" towards your hubby. are u getting help for your depression?
you mentioned "He doesn't need me in the same way I need him. He doesn't know what it's like to feel this deeply." how does one know what others feel? how deeply do you feel? your post-"Bitterness?? Oh my, where would I begin? I guess that is mixed up with the sadness and anger and hurt inside that hole in my heart." what causes you to have these feelings? sadness, anger, etc. perhaps that would help us know more about you so we can relate to you our own experiences and ways we overcame them. "The thing is, I don't LIKE feeling so mean to him, and I actually DO think I would feel better if I said and did nice things for him. But for some reason I just can't let this bitterness go.." why not try to be kinder to him instead if you do feel being nicer to him would make you feel better about yourself? "I just can't let this bitterness go" but you can let it go. we have free will. we are what we choose to be... i'm not trying to bust you...i felt somewhat as you do years ago and i was a mad, angry,hurt person. i didn't like being in my own skin. i didn't like myself, so my solution was learning tools to rearrange my perception of my life and the ppl i valued in my life. i went to an excelent therapist that opened up my eyes and helped me to metamorph myself. he guided me, i did the work. painful at times but well worth it. i hope you can find some help in my post or perhaps give you "food for thought". ps my signature by ayn rand may help you to have hope. pss your alcohol abuse is thwarting your efforts too hayward, imho. it is masking your problems.
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
|
#7
Jan 02, 2011, 06:22 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Thank you , sanityseeker, for your empathetic and well-expressed replies. I appreciate you taking the time to read through my post and answer so thoughtfully.
|
| sanityseeker
|
|
#8
Jan 02, 2011, 10:12 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
