[csidegal]

No help for me, I am just plain, old stuck in a hard place. When I manage to find some joy in my life it is only short lived. I am to the point I don't even want to try anymore I am so emotionally worn down. I don't have much of a fight left in me. My mind doesn't want think, my body is tired and just don't know where to turn. Tired of trying new T's, because to start talking about what brought me to where I am now is quite frankly like being retraumatized.

Gangraped several times, a few individual rapes, emotional, verbal and physical abuse by husband, have Hep C and trying to keep my liver healthy until new treatment is approved. Most cases I had no support when first traumatized and self medicated for many years. Now I try not to take any meds to save my liver and have not really found any to help but instead just deaden my emotions or exacerbate the crazy feelings or create other negative side effects.

Its been 40 yrs of struggle, I don't even know why I'm reaching out here. I'm ready quit my job and just give up and see where that takes me. Can't seem to handle stressful situations very well at work and in life in general. People who don't know what I've gone thru only see me as difficult to get along with others who do know just expect me to get over it. And believe me no wants get over it more than I do

[hayward]

Hello
Your post makes me very so very sad for you. I'm not in a place to have much advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I am listening to you and I feel for you and even though I don't know you, I care about you just from reading your words.

I know part of the struggles you are going through, as far as the length of time and the frustration you have with short lived joy. You say you don't know why you are even reaching out here, but I think it is a good sign that you are strong and want to connect and I hope that posting here will bring you some comfort.

((((( csidegal )))))

As we know, each journey is comprised of steps. If so inclined, what first step would you take on the path to a more meaningful life?

[Skully]

(((csidegal)))

Try to remember the good things you have experienced in life and take comfort and joy in them. What are some activities you like to do? Maybe get involved with a community organization or volunteer at an animal shelter in your area. That may help you think about the bad things and feel better about yourself because you are giving to a population in need

[Michah]

Ah dear one, I cannot even imagine the dangerous terrain you have travelled.....but...

You have travelled it with what you had and what you know, and here you are. I would say, "What an amazingly courageous person you are!"

Would I sound like a right moron, if I said that to "try to get over something" is too aggressive? Getting over something is like trying to wrestle an anaconda with your bare hands. Tiring, dangerous and filled with torment.

That one moment of joy that you have ever experienced, is the key. Joy, like anything else is a practice, if you are too tired and worn out to practice joy, do not worry. Even if you do not know joy right now, it knows you, and will be there when you are ready to receive it.

Know that you are loved, without question, EVEN when you cannot recognise it.

Take good care, and keep talking......

Michah

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i can relate to how you are feeling..((hugs))..i am so sorry for your pain..please try to keep positive,it is worth it..dont have any advice because i am going through hell too but just wanted to give you a hug..stay safe

[(JD)]

Sometimes just going through the motions is just fine. Been there, done that, still here.

[darco]

Oh my word this is a hard one to respond to! We all believe individually that we have experienced the ultimate hardship or sufferring. Because over that period of time and in our heads we have! Then I read a story like yours and I realise that there are others out there so much stronger than I am!

I am not even going to try give advice hun because you already seem to possess some inner strength that keeps you going or why else would you be here seeking that confirmation you deserve!

Some days will be tough as hell and you might not see the point but then there are those days that are just glorious!! It is not big days....just the little things that make it so beautiful....

for example....for me...

i drive the same road into work everyday...but sometimes the sun comes up at just the right moment and catches the fields next to the road at just the right angle and it takes my breath away.!! or just the smile I give to a stranger on the road and the smile I get back...

I have learned to look for the really little things in life! Think of it as a piggy-bank........

save all the cents/pennies (depending on your country) just keep putting away the small change because eventually you will have a real value of memories!

Tc
xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Onward2wards]

Reading your post, I didn't know whether to feel more mad or sad. The first thought to cross my mind was "How dare they!?" I can't understand the savage behavior that some of my fellow men succumb to, and frankly I don't want to.

I'm very sorry those things happened to you, and hope you have gained enough perspective over time to truly realize none of this was your fault (I know that many survivors struggle with a totally undeserved burden of guilt and shame).

You did a good thing coming to PC. It is a very supportive and understanding community. I wish you all the best with what you are still facing.

[Vossie42]

>> I am to the point I don't even want to try anymore I am so emotionally worn down. I don't have much of a fight left in me. My mind doesn't want think, my body is tired and just don't know where to turn.

Sometimes just going through the motions is all you can do, and that is good enough. Dealing with one's issues is hard enough. Pressure to get better makes a difficult job impossible. For me, nearly all of that pressure comes from myself. Though now, somehow or other, I've made it okay to just be. I'm not doing anything in particular to help myself, but I find that I'm not doing anything in particular to sabotage myself either. I don't feel like I'm drifting but I'm making it okay to just go through the motions and to not try so hard at resolving my issues and "living life to the fullest". (I hate that cliche!!) Could you be putting pressure on yourself to get better when actually it's making you worse?

PS - Keep in mind that the holiday season is traditionally ridiculously stressful on everyone.

It's okay to just be.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by csidegal

No help for me, I am just plain, old stuck in a hard place. When I manage to find some joy in my life it is only short lived. I am to the point I don't even want to try anymore I am so emotionally worn down. I don't have much of a fight left in me. My mind doesn't want think, my body is tired and just don't know where to turn. Tired of trying new T's, because to start talking about what brought me to where I am now is quite frankly like being retraumatized.

Gangraped several times, a few individual rapes, emotional, verbal and physical abuse by husband, have Hep C and trying to keep my liver healthy until new treatment is approved. Most cases I had no support when first traumatized and self medicated for many years. Now I try not to take any meds to save my liver and have not really found any to help but instead just deaden my emotions or exacerbate the crazy feelings or create other negative side effects.

Its been 40 yrs of struggle, I don't even know why I'm reaching out here. I'm ready quit my job and just give up and see where that takes me. Can't seem to handle stressful situations very well at work and in life in general. People who don't know what I've gone thru only see me as difficult to get along with others who do know just expect me to get over it. And believe me no wants get over it more than I do

Bigg huggs Dont give up on life you gotta keep fighting and know that God can help you through the pain and sadness you can pm me anytime I been through a lot my self and Iam not ready to give up yet .

[lavieenrose]

Csidegal, I hope you can find camraderie and support here. I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem since childhood, and am still struggling at 55. It's caused failure in the workplace and in love. I understand the fatigue that comes from trying so hard to make it better. I don't want to tell my story one more time to yet another therapist or get another placebo effect instead of real relief from a drug. I wish I could offer strength and hope, but I'm in a pretty dark place too. I hope that things will get brighter for you before long.