New - intro

Hi all,

I'm 27 years old, married to a 33 year old Mr Sarcastic. There have been problems with trust issues in our past, but I feel like if I was not constantly feeling put on the defensive because of his way of arguing, which he very much enjoys, that I could love him again. I can't even say that I don't because he will just tell me he won't work on anything unless I tell him that I love him. We got married when I was 21- too young- I know now. We have 2 kids that I still think I had thinking that would fill the void his arguing and sarcasm leaves me. Well since having the kids I swear it has gotten worse, or I have just gotten more in touch with who I am and what I want in my life.

I am trying to fix us- well first me and then us. We have been married for 7 years in May and it just seems like it has been 27!

I would love to say I am exaggerating, but I'm not- I just know I cannot live like this for another 7 years- not to mention 50!

I have seen several therapists in my past, dealing with a sexual assault in college, depression resulting from that and social issues, then I went back because of my inablility to forgive and it started to affect my libedo and our relationship.

Sorry if that is TMI! I just wanted to lay it all out so you know where I am coming from.

Now the arguing is just driving me up the wall and I just want to run away. from the kids, from him.....

So here is a confession- I didn't even realize that he was our main problem until I was watching "Starting Over" and the life coach told one of the guys that Sarcasm is a poison in marriage. It hit me like a ton of bricks- I confronted him about that last night and he didn't believe me until I typed in sarcasm in marriage in google- well brought me to lots of sites that agreed- and this site too.

I think if we learn to communicate better this relationship will work out, but right now the way it is- I jsut don't know how long I am going to last!

Thank you for listening. I would love any tips about arguing effectively, because I just feel so stupid when arguing with him and it gets me nowhere!!!

Welcome!

This is a good site for discussions and contemplations of various issues. As time goes on, you will find folks who have all sorts of ideas and experiences.

I myself also suggest books. Go to your local library or bookstore, check bookstores with book reviews online, and read up on various ideas about marriage, communication, verbal abuse, and the like. Could add to your pool of information, certainly has helped me.

Welcome again and best wishes!

Sarah

I did purchase Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue workbook and did the first chapter. I didn't want to purchase the full book to go along with it so I have it coming from the library, but it should be in today. I am looking forward to continuing my work in it as soon as I get that book.

I also am looking into a Marriage Encounter weekend. If anyone has any recommendations!

Lis

HI Married, Welcome!
Good luck with this.
Anything I could give as advice would probably be the wrong advice. So, I'm going to keep my mouth closed.

Welcome, Married,

I wish you the best and I"m glad you found us.

Cheers,

Jan

Thank you for the welcome messages. I do appreciate it!!

Lis

You don't need to find more effective ways of arguing, that's not the answer. The success or failure in a relationship -- ANY RELATIONSHIP -- is effective communication. That means talking in a respectful manner to one another or, when arguments do ensue, ensure they are done in a way that doesn't demean or disrespect one another. (This can be a very difficult thing for some people to learn.)

He needs to understand that his sarcasm isn't helping open communication in the relationship, it's shutting it down.

Sarcasm is a defense mechanism, and it although it may have taken him years or a lifetime to learn, it can be unlearned. It will take time and a lot of conscious effort on his part, though. But the sooner it starts, the better.

If he refuses to start working on this issue, then frankly, your future with him will be very challenging. This kind of issue is not unique to married couples -- men often have difficulties getting in touch with their emotions. Couples therapy can help with these issues, so can individual therapy for him. Maybe he knows he needs some assistance with this issue since he's seen the websites... ?

DocJohn

Thanks DocJohn!

I know- I didn't really mean find more effective ways to argue- more like find effective ways to discuss issues at hand.

Thank you for putting it into perspective for me. I wish I would have known about the harm his attitude was causing long ago. It could have saved years of anger- mine and his.

I will discuss the therapy option with him and see what he says. I know I can't force him- I already tries ultimatums and all that does is make him rebel. I feel like he thinks I am his mom when he does that! It is the way he treated his parents growing up.

Lis

Welcome

Welcome to the forums. I can really relate to your comment about sarcasm -- that's just my natural sense of humor, but if I give it free reign, I know it can really hurt people.

-Ben

Hi and welcome!

Welcome to the website. I'm not married so can't comment on your situation. I hope things get better for you soon.

Janniebug