[SophiaG]

You know, I used to get really angry when people would say "oh they're just doing it for attention." but now, i'm beginning to think these people were right. Some people complain about every little problem they have with no intention on fixing it or making things better and they just suck the emotional energy out of the good souls that try to help them.

My question is; what does seeking attention give people? Why do people do it? Does it arrise out of some psychological deficet? What is this deficet?

[pegasus]

Well, I don't look on it as attention seeking but more being stuck in a feeling of not getting care probably coming from childhood when the child didn't get the attention and love they deserve. I also believe that people don't do things just to seek attention but are genuine in their need for help but don't know how to help themselves yet.

[NuckingFutz]

I think we all need attention. The difference is, some people go about seeking it in healthy ways such as asking directly for what they want and need.

The rest, well, I think the rest is like it was put in the above thread, they don't know how to give themselves the self-care they need. For others it could be feeding their narcisissim...seeking attention for their egos by hurting others.

I would avoid the unhealthy ones because you are right, it will suck all the emotional energy right out of you.

[Fresia]

It really does suck the life right out of you. I wish those that do seek attention in such a way could learn that there are other ways; I really do. It saddens and frustrates me because even when try to help or redirect, there seems to be some comfort for them to recert to these other negative ways. Perhaps b/c it is rewarded by getting what they need out of doing it that it continues.

[Skully]

I think their need for attention gives them a sense of validation. If someone else acknowledges that they have the problem, then it makes them feel better about it. Like someone who is skinny always saying they are fat...you tell them "oh no way, you are skinny and look good." That makes them feel better because they already know they are skinny want to make sure everyone else knows it as well.

[Gus1234U]

aaah, sadly, we cannot feel what we are numb to,, we cannot recieve what we do not have room for,,, sometimes people are like in a trance and are just repeating endlessly the last thing they realized,,,, they can not take in any emotional sustanence,, they are starving to death at the table of plenty... be merciful, give them what attention you can spare, and move on~~~ love Blesses~! Gus

[Perna]

I think a lot of what we see in other people, what bothers us about them, is coming from us and our needs and fears rather than strictly them. Think about people you just shake your head about and walk away from or dismiss; why don't we do that with everyone who doesn't "fit" us? Other people can't suck our energy if we don't allow it.

Generally, we care, for one reason or another, about people whom we allow to upset us. Think of here, the posts you answer or don't answer. The actual people aren't here, we don't know them, so why do we respond to some and not others? Because what they say or how they say it, how they express themselves, touches us and our issues.

We can't know what someone else gets from any of their behavior as we perceive it unless we ask them, they could perceive it completely differently and it could be completely different, it could be our perceptions that need correcting based on what we hear from the actor in person.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

You know, I used to get really angry when people would say "oh they're just doing it for attention." but now, i'm beginning to think these people were right. Some people complain about every little problem they have with no intention on fixing it or making things better and they just suck the emotional energy out of the good souls that try to help them.

My question is; what does seeking attention give people? Why do people do it? Does it arrise out of some psychological deficet? What is this deficet?

those that I know, that do things for attention aka self sabotaging their treatment options,willfully dont try things that will help themselves to get better, or doing negative things for attention, they do it for a few reasons -

some have not learned they have the right to say "no" so instead of voicing the "no" they sabotage, choose to remain stuck, or do negative things to prevent a positive outcome. Learning to say "no" comes hard for some people especially those that have been "conditioned" not to say no by their raising or abuse.

Some people have discovered through their raising, or past treatment that does not have appropriate boundaries and rules, that they can gain attention faster through negative ways vs positive ways, especially when their role models are using negative ways to gain attention or their desired outcomes.

Some people are afraid to get better. being sick or abused is all they know so they gravitate to those things.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

My question is; what does seeking attention give people? Why do people do it? Does it arrise out of some psychological deficet? What is this deficet?

When I picture something getting called attention-seeking, I picture a miscommunication (or sometimes a series of miscommunications) in progress. For instance, someone may do something that you don't especially like because they expect that if they were to do anything else, you'd ignore them. Or you may decide that, because they're approaching you when you don't want them to, they must have a pathological need for your attention. Similarly...

Some people complain about every little problem they have with no intention on fixing it or making things better and they just suck the emotional energy out of the good souls that try to help them.

I don't see how they could suck any energy out of you without at least some cooperation from you. They may, of course, be skilled at getting you to want to help them. If you're hoping for some kind of return from whatever you do for them -- their appreciation, or at least the satisfaction of knowing that your advice did work for them -- but you don't get what you were looking for, you might feel like blaming them for apparently having exploited you.

They, meanwhile, might be thinking (among other things) that if your advice helps them, that could be the last they'll ever see of you. The way to keep you coming back and bailing them out again and again is probably to not benefit quite so much each time.

Then, too, if they were to get the impression that you were ready to blame them for wasting your time, they might even feel like getting back at you by passive-aggressively dragging their feet -- and getting you to waste even more time on them.

[elliemay]

On one hand, I sincerely believe that when most people ask for attention it's because they need it for some reason.

However, without a doubt, there are those for whom attention seeking is manipulative and/pathological. I also agree with you that there are those, who for whatever reason, are locked into a very upsetting pattern.

You have to set clear boundaries with the former, with the latter I've found the best approach is to simply say "You know, it does hurts me somehwat to see you hurting like this. When you are ready to make a change, I will absolutely be here for you."

[pachyderm]

I don't see what is so unusual or worthy of being distressed about, with people seeking attention. I mean, do we ourselves seek attention? If so, why? Isn't it because we feel the need, some lack, something that we need badly but don't believe that we can get? And how easy do people here find it to change? Don't we find it quite hard, something that has to be worked at, something that takes a long time for us? Why should it be different for other people?

That doesn't mean that when we understand why other people act the way they do, that we have to turn ourselves over to them or feel we must satisfy their every need, right away...

[lonegael]

I think there is a type of unspoken rule that you as a person do not decide when you "get atttention". Other people decide when you are worthy to get it. really strong, worthy people disdain attention and turn from it, is the old saw. My mother uses the "oh, they just want attention" as the supreme denigration of a person. It implies lack of character, spoiledness, weakness, dishonesty and manipulative behavior, and a certain, shameful childishness.

I think there are a lot of people in my mom's generation, particularly women, who only got attention by being martyrs, sex objects or by actually being sick. Any other time they were expected not to exist until their services, whatever those were, were needed. They themselves were not supposed to need or feel. They certainly weren't supposed to remind people that they present and had lives to attend to. Many of these folks fit the description above beautifully. They are masters at suffering and don't you dare try to help them, no matter how they moan and ask for it They will make sure you fail and will add you to one of the dissapointmments in life.
Or they end up like my mom, ready to point out the folks who were made by the system she holds onto so tightly. But then, they will also point the same finger at any one who speaks up for themselves. Happy to say, I haven't seen anyone go so far yet here on PC! Whooooohoooo! HUGGGSSSSS Alllll!

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by elliemay

... with the latter I've found the best approach is to simply say "You know, it does hurts me somehwat to see you hurting like this. When you are ready to make a change, I will absolutely be here for you."

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Isn't it because we feel the need, some lack, something that we need badly but don't believe that we can get? And how easy do people here find it to change? Don't we find it quite hard, something that has to be worked at, something that takes a long time for us?

The need or lack that pachy mentions could easily prove to be an illusion -- something like, "Darn! No matter how fast I chase my tail, it always manages to keep just out of reach. If I ever catch it, I'll give it a good bite just to teach it a lesson!"

One problem that I see either with asking someone else to change or with deciding to do so myself, is that they (or I) may not have a very good sense of what our choices really are, nor much of a handle on actually making the proposed change. Basic (if dumb) example: if I kept pestering you for money till you told me you were going to avoid me unless I changed, I might promise to wake up prosperous in the morning but my odds of actually doing so probably wouldn't be very good.

When I was in my teens especially, I regularly found myself thinking things like, "I'm too careful, standoffish and isolated. I need to pay more attention to other people." A week or two later it might be, "I need to stop wasting my time and energy on people who don't seem to appreciate it." I might keep bouncing back and forth between those two positions for a while but neither "change" would actually do much for me.

[valkopack]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I think we all need attention. The difference is, some people go about seeking it in healthy ways such as asking directly for what they want and need.

The rest, well, I think the rest is like it was put in the above thread, they don't know how to give themselves the self-care they need. For others it could be feeding their narcisissim...seeking attention for their egos by hurting others.

I would avoid the unhealthy ones because you are right, it will suck all the emotional energy right out of you.

They are not getting what they need and may not know how to ask for it. I also agree that it comes from some self esteem issues and sometimes it is the narcassism coming out. Obviously they are trying to fill some void.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by lonegael

My mother uses the "oh, they just want attention" as the supreme denigration of a person. It implies lack of character, spoiledness, weakness, dishonesty and manipulative behavior, and a certain, shameful childishness.

I'd say that it implies envy on the part of the mother, envy of people doing what she would like to do, but can't bring herself to!

[valkopack]

They are not getting what they need and may not know how to ask for it. I also agree that it comes from some self esteem issues and sometimes it is the narcassism coming out. Obviously they are trying to fill some void.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

You know, I used to get really angry when people would say "oh they're just doing it for attention." but now, i'm beginning to think these people were right. Some people complain about every little problem they have with no intention on fixing it or making things better and they just suck the emotional energy out of the good souls that try to help them.

My question is; what does seeking attention give people? Why do people do it? Does it arrise out of some psychological deficet? What is this deficet?

They want too get on your nerves I hate that everytime they see people then they go and complain ,they are to be glad to be alive and change somethings in their lives.

[cheshireKat]

It's not "them" seeking attention--is's "us." Everybody does it. It's part of the give and take of communication. People tell about their woes and get it off their back, others listen and offers sympathy and, in turn, share their own troubles. It's how we connect. But some people just don't have any sense of restraint. Selfishness, tone-deafness to conversation, passive-agressiveness--whatever their problem, they go too far.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

You know, I used to get really angry when people would say "oh they're just doing it for attention." but now, i'm beginning to think these people were right. Some people complain about every little problem they have with no intention on fixing it or making things better and they just suck the emotional energy out of the good souls that try to help them.

My question is; what does seeking attention give people? Why do people do it? Does it arrise out of some psychological deficet? What is this deficet?

i am not sure on the answers to this question..my experience is that it gives them gratification to keep living the lives they live with putting blame on others..its true that it sucks the good out of people who try to care,,if u cant learn, then u do not deserve the sympathy/empathy that people give..i love your bolded print at the end..it is so true..may you have a blessed Christmas