[Bluesummers]

Ok, so where to begin. Right now, in particular, to add to the usual fare, there are some things bothering me. And I figured I'd maybe put it out there, and see, if I can't find some kind of advice that might help.

One of the biggest things at the moment, is, my fear of death. My head keeps obsessing on it from time to time. And it makes me extremely anxious, uncomfortable, and once a rare while unstable I'd say, just due to that it can make me have a panic attack.

My position is a strange one, having wanted for my life to be over a few times in the past, I've always had this underlying fear of death. I suppose thats why I've never seriously made any attempt on my life. Just thoughts.

I find, that my head, thinks about my not existing, and obviously, it is unknown, and given that I'm not religious, well, my head can't comprehend nothingness, and nothingness forever at that. So it meltsdown a bit I suppose, because it goes a bit "does not compute" "system overload" ect, and leaves me panic attacking. This is an issue that has bothered me throughout my life so far.(I'm 22) I don't have any real answers on the subject. Only thing I know is, it tends to come along sometimes when I'm just not doing very much at all, or don't have very much I want to do at all. Beyond that, I just know I don't desire for people to try and convert me to their religion. As I would not try to convert them.

Beyond that issue. I find myself very mentally tired, I find it a struggle to even hold basic conversation without it seeming like a massive effort on my part. Indeed, regardless of person, I can feel pressured to be interesting, or funny, or whatever, and if I'm just being quiet, I feel like if I'm not, I'm going to be hated, or thought to be boring or the like.. its not something I understand very well, but am aware of its existance.

Physically, I've got a cold, but even without the cold, I was feeling a bit physically weak, I think the mental side, is exterting physical toll. I don't feel like I can handle life any longer, but of course, I'm trapped, by the above, no matter what, it seems I'm trapped, trapped to suffer, whether I've done right, or done wrong... aaah it doesn't make sense anymore.

I'm waffling, sorry out there. I've thought lately of asking someone at a support group in my town, to help me set up a gp appointment for some therapy prehaps, but I find myself too afraid, like a deer in the headlights. I feel if I found the strength, and I got one I could work with, I'd suddenly find myself at 30-40, with a chunk of my life missing, and such an important bit.. bah, this is so hard to make any sense of.

Well, I've tried to explain some, I'm sorry its waffley, and long.. It sucks I know.

[Ygrec23]

I don't know that it's waffling, Bluesummers. You seem to have some serious concerns that deserve attention. While not a professional, and being only a fellow PC member, it appears to me that your fear of death is a bit out of proportion to the actual risk. If you're 22, your real risk of death is tiny, unless you have some terrible physical condition you haven't related. Are you sure you're not really worried about something else and displacing it onto death? That's the kind of question I've been asked by professionals when I've had similar fears.

As to being "mentally tired," that sounds awfully similar to one of the symptoms of being depressed. And your feeling that you have to contort yourself into whatever your "audience" wants to hear or see would certainly be tiresome. You don't really have to do that or feel that, you know. You can be your own person and do as you like and still be respected and cared for. You certainly wouldn't be "hated" or "boring".

Of course you can continue to "handle" life, as you say. And of course you can get help if you choose to, and you should do so if you feel you need it. A conversation or two with a therapist doesn't commit you to a thing, and there isn't the slightest reality to your idea that therapy would somehow shorten your life or take big chunks out of it. Many people from time to time feel quite seriously that something is wrong in their feeling or thinking. And it's quite appropriate to seek and get professional reassurance if you feel that way.

Regardless of all the above, I do hope you have a very happy Christmas and an excellent New Year, as well as recovery from all the things you seem to worry about! Take care.

[Bluesummers]

Thank you for responding, will reply in proper when I'm next able. Just wanted to add, I do suffer with depression. Also some mild aspergers. Just briefly on the death subject, its a fear that seems to effect me regardless of my age. I guess that its, that its going to get me no matter what. I don't know. Also it could be true, that the death thing stems from other things. I just don't know. Just wanted to add those details before I rest.

Hi, I just noticed this thread, and I have had the same problem with the fear of death in the past. As much as I'd love to really believe in something (and sometimes I do, but it comes and goes) when it comes to things like what is true and false, my brain just can't comprehend anything other then black and white, all or nothing thinking. Something is either real or it's not real, either there is an afterlife or there isn't. There is no "maybe" in it for me (I'm not on the autistic spectrum, it's just for some things I have very black and white thinking). It's the main reason why I stay away from religious discussion, because that's one of my triggers.

What I'd suggest is talking to a professional about it. I know that sounds like the obvious answer, however talking to a counselor about this a couple of years ago was the only way I could really move on from it being one of the things always on my mind to the occasional "whenever it's triggered". I'd tell you what she told me but... honestly I can't really remember. After that it's just a matter of trying to avoid what you know will trigger the bad thoughts.

If you are yourself then the worst thing that could happen is that they dislike you but... trust me on this one there will ALWAYS be people out there who will like you for you. There are just too many people in this world for every single person to dislike you. On a similar note there will always be people who dislike you for no reason at all, even if you tried your best to avoid it. Maybe they have some unresolved issues or something. At the end of the day, when you are yourself most people neither dislike you or like you, and when you have people who love you for who you are suddenly the people who dislike you don't matter at all.

I think I'd be a pretty big hypocrite if I gave you any sort of advice concerning how to alleviate this social issue, considering I have a nigh paralyzing fear of rejection myself... so the most I can really say about this is to take things one step at a time when it comes to getting comfortable being yourself around others.

[lonegael]

Hi, Blue summers, Sorry to hear that things are so yucky right now. It sounds like you are right about the depression and it sounds like you've gota dose of anxiety to go with it. Sometimes, when we are depressed, we start to worry as well and that triggers the anxiety, which can sort of float around like a lost duckling looking for something to attach itself to. The brain doesn't like to have feelings that it can't explain, see. Since anxiety usually has to do with threat of pain or bodily harm, attaching it to thoughts of death is really easy. after a while, you'll start feeling the worry and the thoughts will come up almost simultaneously. It would be almost impossible to tell what came first, the chicken or the egg. And depressed people think of death a lot.
My suggestion is simply if you can, get up and take a walk, get out and try to fit some motion in. Moderate excersize is really good for anxiety, as well as therapy. As soon as you start worrying, take a walk, or maybe even take a course in tai chi so you can try that when you start to worry. It will have the added benefit in giving you something that can help you turn towards life. And also, it might be good to remind yourself that death is not waiting to sneak up on you. Death is only a slave of injury to your body. It is there to help you only when nothing else at all can. It is NOT an escape route OR an enemy. Not so scary.
Talk to your therapist or GP, but try these other things too in the meantime. I hope they help. HUGGGSSSS