What is the Universe trying to tell me?

It helped me to learn thru therapy that they were ill and didn't know any better. I also learned that I deserved better treatment then and now. My therapist helped me not to stay stuck in the past and not to repeat the past.

Break times are always needed! Yeah, growth is tough work. It isn't WHAT we go through, it's HOW we go through it, imo.... hang in there!

I wish I could help. Maybe if you think of doing something for yourself you will be able to rationalise that it will enable you to do even more for people you care about.

I don't think the universe is telling you something. You have just hit a run of bad luck. Stuff happens, and when we ask "why me?" the answer is usually "why not me?"

Once three tornadoes struck the same Kansas town on the same day for three years. A small part of western Iowa is suffering extreme drought while neighbors twenty miles in each direction are getting some rain. These are things that just happen. Your bad luck is a similiar juxtifcation of events. Who knows, in a year or two, you will be blessed with good luck.

I know how it feels to have things crash in, but it can get better in time. Don't give up.

Wendy, my Dear friend.

I have a lot of feelings as I read what you have written. One of the first things I want to tell you is that I learned there was not some cosmic lets get wise thing going on when I paid attention to my friends who were going through horrible things, none of which any of them deserved. Life happens. I am sorry life has been a little too happening for you.

Getting assaulted is a big deal. I made a choice a long time ago to not work with people who had that capacity. I also suffered a head injury and it scared me plenty.

I learned that I could be valued in my work. That there is a concept such as Right Livliehood" {SP} We need to do for work what our hearts drive us to.

I also have learned, but not mastered balance. We have to let our whole selves be. For me it meant finding a creative me. That me has been in hiding for a while but... I see you are that creative soul. I personally have an opinion that may or may not be warranted, get the heck out of Dodge, (group home). Maybe do work that is geared toward your creative place, arts, crafting, teaching. Start workshops in schools. Be a traveling Artist in residence.

Financial woes stink. I do know. Find things that make you feel good to do. As for cars. Well, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. But I have a friend who fixes for me as I am able to pay. I have also bartered.

Medical bills, are you eligible for assistance through your hospital or state with deductibles?

House falling apart. I have always been intinidated by maintaining my home. However I have 2 great male friends who explain to me how to do things in detail, promise they will rescue me if I mess up, and tell me I can do it. I have done plumbing and wiring and tiling and drywall. You can do it and for me I feel satisfied that I am able. Though not always ambitious.

Your mother's tapes are running in your head so you have been running away from them but I can't help but wonder if you have stopped and listened to your own voice? What does Wendy want? Is there a way you can simplify? You like being good at things, that is clear. What are you good at and how can you feed your soul?

Back to the car thing. There are organizations here who will help with buying cars for work. Sure, your income is too high but if you sat with an intake person and looked at bills vs. income you would surely qualify.

Also, there are good people in the world who will help you find a good used car and keep it on the road as long as you pay regularly. I have come across a few in my life time. Be careful and follow your gut. Don't find a slimy business.

If there is anything the universe is telling you, it is to slow down and make decisions about how you want your life to be. Student loans are never worthless if we have speant the money learning. Learning is essential to growth.

On guilt, yep, got that one good. Your kids are young so here is what I will offer. If I had to do it over I wish that I had listened to my instincts more, got caught up in the pressures of letting things happen less and been more available emotionally to my kids. Tell yourself you do the best you can. You give your best. Don't sweat the small stuff like bangs okay? I did that one to myself, they called me egghead.

and last but not least, do everything in your power to simplify. Here there are places for recycled appliances, even FREECYCLE where people give used stuff away. You probably have one in your area. Credit cards are bad news. Use them as little as you can and either pay them off quickly or do the bankruptcy thing if you are drowning.

Oh Oh, not last. I know you love your critters, I totally get that. But are they adding stress to your life? Would finding them the right loving homes take the pressure off? Think about it. I have not for one second regretted my decision to let my herd of angoras go. They are in good places and maybe someday will be a better time.

This is long, I am sorry. I feel greatly for you. I would love to be your neighbor and come make soup for you and the kids. You need to do things that feel good to you. Be well sweet lady.

Thank-you all for the advice you have given me. I read it and have been thinking about it all week, even though I got swamped again and I'm just now getting around to writing back.

On Monday I was at the RTC and there was a new girl and it was her birthday and we were doing the cake and ice cream and singing routine, and all the girls just started singing happy birthday, and the assistant director came down and glared at everybody and gave all the girls essays for singing too loud, and that was it for a party for this girl who had just gotten there and was upset about spending her birthday in this place and everything. Another staff and I failed to keep our opinions to ourselves that what happened was not right, and we both got chewed out. The other staff ageed to always support the assistant director, but I just stood there. I had had it with the way they run that place and the way they treat people. I mentioned that I was thinking about walking out, and the director told me twice that maybe that would be best, but I stayed the rest of the shift, and then they kept me until past midnight to grill me some more.

I had no car, and rode my bike home - got home after 1:30 a.m. and was disappointed that I made it. Cried all night and all morning. I actually tried calling the employee assistance program for my other job three times and they hung up on me. The connection was bad and I couldn't hear them.

I did come here and read your responses, and I appreciate them although I wasn't able to reply at the time.

Tuesday it rained hard all day, and I couldn't even stay out of bed when I tried to get up. I couldn't deal with going back to that job, and I tried to call in but they never answered the phone or called me back so I was just AWOL.

I had a job interview for another job, and had a ride to that, and I don't know how I pulled it off but I got the new job. Tuesday coming up will be my first day for that. I'll be a T.A. for speech therapy for the school district. I still have my job that I like at Head Start too, so that's two part-time day jobs, and I'll have evenings and weekends off. The new job is only up to 19 hours per week but pays more per hour, so I'll have less time at work and almost the same pay as before. And I'd still like to do filling in at the RTC maybe during school breaks but I doubt that they want me there. I miss the girls so much though and hate leaving the way I did.

Hubby came home from out of town on Wednesday night and informed me that the car wasn't worth fixing - transmission had a catastrophic failure. He wanted to go find a new car from a dealer. It will cost more to fix the transmission than we paid for the car, but we'll have a warranty on the new transmission, so I said to go ahead and fix it. The car is supposed to get finished tomorrow.

I was upset about the car and the money and having to cancel my therapy appointment due to no transportation, and Wednesday night I took three Tylenol PM before I went to bed. Two of them is too many for me. It made me all wired and my heart was beating too fast, and hubby told me in the morning that I was as hot as a furnace. It was kind-of scay and no way I could sleep and I really needed to. I didn't tell T (or anyone) about the overdose. That's the third time this year that I took just a little bit too much of something, and every time it was uncomfortable and scary, and I hate myself for it because that's not the kind of thing that I do, but now I've repeated it a few times.

T got home from her vacation and I thought she would be hard on me for stuff like no-showing at work but she thought it was good for me to quit there, and has been really supportive (email as usual). The rest of the week I was just tired and sore from riding my bike to work, and swamped with trying to get my schoolwork done, and I haven't been able to keep up with much else.

I'm supposed to be noticing the split between the part of me that is competent and professional, and the part that just hurts and can't handle anything. The part that I usually show on the outside never lets any feelings show, or vulnerability. That part can handle just about anything and probably doesn't even notice how I feel about it, and just lets things build up and build up, but eventually the shell wears thin. My other part is nothing but raw emotion, and it's so embarassing when that part comes out. The two parts are opposite and they hate each other, and I'm supposed to figure out how to synthesize them but they aren't very interested in working together.

I'm afraid of letting the wrong people know what's inside. When I updated my classmates about my car and job situations, one of them wrote back "to your credit, at least you didn't let it get you down!" Somehow when I wrote to them about it the outer, professional, competent part took control, and didn't let any feelings come out at all. I also had to write about my life roles and how they change and what I learned for a paper for my class, and I wrote about this very stuff and how I just have to be willing to let go of things, and it came out just like Pollyanna. I wonder if I can keep it all contained and sound like I have a good attitude, maybe I shouldn't indulge in the whining that I tend to do. What do you think?

Rap

Me thinks you need to be real with whatever the moment is. No, don't scream at people but feel it. Alwso tell people how you are feeling. You'd be surprised at how many people would try to be helpful to you. You don't need to be Pollyanna and that is probably what got you into this mess in the first place. You need to find that balance as you said. I am wishing you peace. Keep talking.

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I wonder if I can keep it all contained and sound like I have a good attitude, maybe I shouldn't indulge in the whining that I tend to do. What do you think

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I think there are people and places that are safe for some whining....but not everywhere and not everyone. I've also found that all but our closest friends will get burned out over time with too much whining and complaining. It gets them down and keeps us down too, imo.

Rapunz, You didn't like that job very much and the people treated you poorly. It's too bad for the girls, but what can you do? As for the new job, remember in the past, you never could get a good job. Now with all your experience, you just got a new job in a field you enjoy! Congratulations are in order. What progress you are making!! You're a success!

Rap,

Reading this thread was overwhelming. We've been stuck with what sort of response we could come up with. We've been working on that for days and still come up empty.

Wow. Freakin' wow. How on earth are you managing through all that?!! You had mentioned some of what was going on but to read it all here in this thread really is eye opening as to how much stress you are dealing with in your life. We had no idea about your husband's health. (((Rap)))) how scary!

we hope you realize that ODs of any amount can be dangerous and there are other ways of coping. we know you know but it can be frightening to read about when someone is doing this as a method of coping.....especially when one knows the dangers firsthand from their own previous experiences. we were very fortunate to have a friendly pharmacist explain to us EXACTLY what our chosen OD was doing to our body. we stopped that immediately when we realized our kidneys wouldn't tolerate what we were putting them through. please please remember your liver loves you too and doesn't want to deal with excessive amounts of non essential medications.

please reach out to your resources (T, here, trusted friends) to let them know how hard a time you're having.

still stunned and wishing we had more to offer,
__zh