[Greenleaves]

I've been posting a lot yesterday and today to try to fill some sort of void within myself. I just keep posting and then I get replies, but the void is still there. I don't know how to quiet my desires.

I'm not sure what I want exactly. It seems like I want attention, but I can never get enough attention. Does anyone know what I mean? There is a leak or something. The support people give me is quickly siphoned away somehow.

Don't know what is wrong with me.

[Lou_Pilder]

GL,
You wrote,[...fill...void...still there...my desires...what I want...I can never get enough...There is a leak...quickly siphoned...Don't know...].
I see something in what you wrote and could possibly give some support to you in regards to your post's content. However, could you tell me more about the "void"
Lou

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((Greenleaves)))))))))))))))

I know how you feel sweety. Please know that we all care about you and you dont have to feel lonley here. PM me if you need OK.

More hugs for you sweety

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Greenleaves)))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Greenleaves))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((Greenleaves))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Green}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know the feeling. I understand. My T told me that it would start to feel better when I started being more comfortable in my skin.

I used to truly believe that I had been a twin, that my twin had died and no had told me. Seemed like there was half of me missing. For ME, it was the part of me that I had denied as a child and while growing up, the child I had lost to blocked memories due to my abuse. Don't know how else to explain it any better. That loneliness will start to dissipate the better you get to know yourself... with help.

You're not alone...

[Greenleaves]

Not sure if I know how to describe the void...I think it is a lack of connection to people. Sometimes when I'm lucky I feel connected to people and the world. I think I want people to understand what I feel and think, but the problem is that maybe some people do understand but I don't believe that they do so then I feel very lonely.

I think I have to learn to be by myself and know that I won't disappear if people don't hear me.

Also, recently I was blocked at this other support forum and I feel kind of lonely because I can't communicate with the people who know me there. PsychCentral is great, but it take time for people to know me.

Thanks Lou, JMO, SeptemberMorn

Thanks Lou, you know me as Deneb and previously Shy_Girl.

[Lou_Pilder]

GL,
Yes, I do remember you as Shy_Girl and Deneb. I remember some about that situation.
You wrote,[...lack of connection with people...want people to understand...if I do not believe they do, I feel lonely...I won't disappear if people don't hear me...takes time...]
I might be able to offer you support from my perspective if you could elaborate on the "disappearing"?
Lou

[dexter]

Green,

That "lack of connection" to people goes hand in hand with depression. Depression makes me feel disconnected to friends, disconnected to spirituality, disconnected to the world.

I used to always talk about "connections" and write about them. With my depression that all evaporated. I believe it is why I also feel so lonely and so hopeless.

You are not alone Greenleaves. I believe that if you work on your depression that will help the situation. At least I hope so. We are all here together and all in this together in a sense.

{{{{{{GreenLeaves}}}}}}

[Lou_Pilder]

Dexter,
You wrote,[...hand in hand...disconnected to spitituality...so hopeless...work on...depression...will help...together...].
That is a lot as how in my perspective that I see the "disconnection" and the 'void"
But to be reconnected, would one have to Overcome depression?
Lou

[Greenleaves]

I think what I mean by disappearing is that I don't think that my feelings exist if other people do not also feel what I feel. This gets me into a lot of trouble sometimes because I act out and post bad things and make people feel bad about no being able to help.

I'm not even really that depressed. I think I have a lack of motivation.

[Lou_Pilder]

GL,
You wrote,[...do not think my feelings exist if other people do not also feel what I feel...lack of motivation...].
I might be able to connect the two above if you could offer some more infomation about them. How about expounding on the "motivation"? Motivation to do what?
Lou

[SeptemberMorn]

Think maybe I picked up on "I don't have a voice." I can understand that, too. No one ever listened... sometimes still don't when I want to express a feeling I need validated.

Lack of motivation is a symptom of depression... Understand that, too.

[shadowdancer]

i know how you feel, green. sometimes i feel like a black hole...always empty and wanting. i am here if you ever want to talk, i will be happy to listen.

(((((((((((((greenleaves)))))))))))))))


shadow

[Zen888]

I seem to feel lonely even when im surrounded by ppl i know well.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Green)))))))))))

I know that feeling of needing to be understood and needing support and whatever people offer never being enough. I think that a lot of that comes from not understanding yourself and looking for the answers and love from exernal sources. I know it isn't easy, but the more that you can learn to understand yourself and motivate yourself, the less you will feel empty and unheard.

Love,
Rap

hey. i think... i get a similar feeling. when i'm upset then it is like i want other people to know how bad things are for me. because i think they need to really understand or get that before i'll be heard. before they will be able to connect with me. before they will be able to help me. and so... my distress can be pretty intense... but then what happens... is that other people pull away from it because they don't want to 'catch' it. and sometimes i feel them pull away and my distress gets worse and then there is an unhelpful cycle because i start thinking WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY OR DO FOR YOU TO HEAR ME!!!

but i think...
that people pull away because... if they catch the feeling then there are two people in a bad place. neither of you will feel particularly connected to each other if that is the case. and... other people can't make it stop. they can't change it for you. they can help - but there is something that you have to do with the help that they offer. i don't know... it is hard for me as well.

but, yeah. i feel it like an emptiness. like i'm transparant and there is nothing inside me. i think thats why it is so easy for me to catch other peoples. and sometimes mine are so very intense too...

i think it is that... i never managed to internalise other peoples good feelings about me.
because... other people never really did have good feelings about me.
they never listened to my little hurts
and so i learned that i had to scream to be heard
but other people will withdraw from screaming
and what i most want is to feel connected.

i don't know...
just talking really.
but i think... i understand the feeling. but i'm not sure... whats to be done.

[dexter]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
That is a lot as how in my perspective that I see the "disconnection" and the 'void"
But to be reconnected, would one have to Overcome depression?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Lou,

I don't want to pull this thread away from support for Greenleaves, but I also think my answer to you may be relevant to her and others...

I don't think it is a black-or-white thing, like "cure depression = reconnection". As you know we live with this illness all of our lives, hopefully keeping it largely under control.

The way I see it, "depression" and "disconnection" play off of each other and are intertwined. This includes disconnection to spirituality, friendships, family, things we used to enjoy, etc. A key part of this is the isolation that depression causes us to do. The isolation causes the disconnection, the depression makes us feel disconnected, the disconnection and isolation make us feel alone and depressed. It is a circle with many entry points.

So I don't see the solution of "reconnection" as being "overcome depression". I think it takes a lot of work in all areas. I think it helps if we can remember that our sense of disconnection is often an exaggerated one... partly a false one (due to the distortion of our world view by depression) and partly one that is real, but caused by our depression (by our isolation).

So I think the "solution" is to work on "reversing the cycle" in a sense. Overcoming depression will help lift the sense of isolation and help allow us to reestablish those connections. But working on reestablishing connections can also help relieve our depression. That is why I think it is so important to try to reach out to friends when we are depressed. Our depression makes us isolate ourselves from them, and then makes us think they don't like us (because we disconnected from them and then are mad that they are no longer connected to us). For myself I also find a lot of wanting them to "prove" their friendship by breaking through my isolation, which I think is an unreasonable and manipulative attitude, but it comes so easily with depression... then being mad when they don't do so.

So making an effort to reach out when it is hardest may be a good step in fighting depression. Go to church or temple when you don't want to. Talk to friends, call or email, when you don't want to. Find some friends who understand, or just reach out with some casual contact as a start.

At the very least, always remember that the pain of disconnection is caused by the depression, and does not reflect any deficiency on your part. I believe those connections are still there, we are just cut off from them. Some connections may be broken but there are always others waiting to be established when we are ready and able.

[Lou_Pilder]

dexter,
You wrote,[...working on...connections can also help relieve...depression...].
I think that you are saying that depression causes disconnection and that if you work at {reconnecting}, that the depression will be relieved.
If that is what you mean, then would {more} reconnections give more reliefe from depression?
Lou

[LMo]

My personal opinion is that the opposite is true.

[Lou_Pilder]

Lmo,
You wrote in resply ,[...my PO is that the opposite is true...].
Are you saying that it is your opinion that {less} connections relieve depression?
Lou

[LMo]

No. What I meant was that I think it's likely to be very difficult to make more connections until your depression has been alleviated somewhat. At least, that's my observation.

[Lou_Pilder]

Lmo,
You wrote,[...difficult to make... connections...]
Are you saying, then, that one should work in some way of alleviating their depresssion through some other means than connecting with others since connecting with others is difficult durring depression?
Lou

[dexter]

>> If that is what you mean, then would {more} reconnections give more reliefe from depression?

I don't think it is that simple.

Maybe the best way to put it is that while reconnecting with people won't cure depression, it is true IMO that disconnecting deepens the depression. So while you are working on other methods of relieving depression, it can be helpful to fight the (false) sense of lonliness through isolation when you can recognize it, and a way to do that is to maintain contact with friends even though that is hard to do.

I think it is in the same category of staying in bed all day when you have depression. That is the worst thing you can do when you are depressed, and is also one of the hardest things not to do (for some people). So while staying out of bed won't cure your depression, it is important to try to stay out of bed as one part of your plan to relieve it.

<hr>

Greenleaves, how are you doing? I hope you are OK. Is this still relevant for you? I would like to suggest we start a new topic to discuss this more, unless you are interested and are enjoying the replies. I can assure you that I haven't forgotten about you, I think about you while I am responding here, and I hope you are doing better.

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lou_Pilder said:
Are you saying, then, that one should work in some way of alleviating their depresssion through some other means than connecting with others since connecting with others is difficult durring depression?
Lou

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No - I'm not saying that. I don't feel qualified to say what other people should do. Every situation is different, anyway -- some people might be able to make connections while depressed, and if so, it's probably very helpful for them.

[LMo]

And thanks, Dexter, for redirecting this thread back to Greenleaves. We don't want to get too philosophical on somebody's support thread!

[Greenleaves]

Thanks everyone

It is difficult for me to try to make connections with people. I don't know if I just don't want to have connections or what. Sometimes I think I prefer to be alone. I don't have many in real life connections. I don't have a real life social life at all. All my social interactions come from chatting with people online.

I do want to meet the people I get to know online, so maybe that means I do want to interact with people in real life. Maybe I just haven't found the right types of people to hang around with in real life. It is much easier for me to disclose infomation about myself online. This makes it easier to have friendships online. I'm glad this and other forums are around.