[Rose76]

I was urged by job counselor at Voc. Rehab, back in Nov. 2009, to apply for SSDI. (Not the first time I was recommended to do this.) This very good woman even referred me to a particular person at an agency (Resources for Independent Living) who was eager to help and advised that I would probably have my claim approved (eventually.)

I didn't pursue this and regained employment in Feb. 2010. By April, I was unemployed again. I had savings and lived off that thinking it would help me recover mentally. In August 2010, the company that let me go wouldn't provide verification of discharge for the Food Stamp People, but I got the EBT(food stamp) Card anyways.

I filed a claim for Unemployment Insurance Benefits just to force the company to make a statement about discharging me. To my shock and amazement, the Claims Adjudicator approved my claim for benefits over the objections of my former employer (who is appealing the decision.) I get $193/week.

I've been distraught trying to find employment because I have no good recent references. I was with that company since Jan. 1996, but they won't return calls, and I expect they are really furious with me now. I am becoming severely distressed and depressed. Even Volunteer Jobs want references.

I got advised by my regular doctor to apply for SSDI. I told him my new Case Manager said I had too much work experience and education to qualify. She said that going on SSDI would make me more depressed and that, surely, I could do something, if only "weaving basket."

When I certify weekly for my UI benefits, I state that I am capable of working. So I figure that means that I can't apply for SSDI at the same time. I can't say: "Yes, I can work and want to work." to one agency - then tell Social Security Administration that: "No I really can't hold down employment due to my psychiatric disability."

Meanwhile, I am close to insolvent. One thing I've learned is that, if I have a claim "pending" with Social Security Administration, then I qualify for some cash assistance. (My Case Manager said that it would be next to nothing, even if I got it.)

I am becoming dizzy in my head thinking: "Do I file claim for SSDI?" Does that mean I can't collect anymore Unemployment Insurance benefits? Shouldn't I forget all that and keep trying to find a job?

Surely, I could weave baskets. But, don't Basket Weaving Companies want to hire the fastest basket weavers? I have often been let go by employers who said that I just couldn't keep up with the pace. (This is in jobs that I used to do well.) Aren't all the baskets woven in China today?

I am all confused about what to do to keep from ending up on the street. At age 19, I got fired from a grocery store because I'm real bad at a cash register . . . and slo o o o w. That same year, I couldn't cope with working on an assembly line in an aerosol canning factory. I'm trying to see if I can get hired at Goodwill.

Also, I figure that applying for SSDI would be a humiliating process where I would be accused of just trying to be a leech. I would rather work. Without references, and with an erratic history (due to my psych problems), I don't think I'm going to find a job in time to avoid eviction.

I go in and out of despair. At age 58, I don't feel like I can cope anymore. I've had years and years of failure. I live alone and have to support myself with no help, no second income. I've always lived in low rent apartments to keep my income low. Never thought I might not have my rent money. I don't really have family that I'm close with. Certainly, they would not want to hear about my current circumstance. Years ago, I was told by relatives that being depressed is a choice.

I feel like I must have poor character that has caused me to manage my depression inadequately.

[Fresia]

((((((((Rose76))))))))))))
Having been in a similar predicament at one point, I can relate to your fears as I had them myself. I hope this might help.
I can say about the SSDI.... it is a requirement to qualify for SSDI that you HAVE worked. So whomever said you have TOO much experience to qualify is not accurate. I wish I could find one of those really good links for you to read about the requirements but am coming up short.
I hated having to file for similar reasons as you mentioned but I had no choice; I would lose the roof over my head and was down to the bare minimum of food, as unemployment was ending, and then my severance and my savings were dwindling quickly.
The process was very respectful yet it can be stressful sometimes. However, it is worth it. It is set up to help you at some point return to work when you are ready, with retraining through vocational rehab or another agency, if you choose, but provides income in the interim so you can do this without hardship.
It is a lengthy process though and does not happen overnight. It is important if in a position that you cannot work due to a physical or mental disability to get the process going by filing sooner than later.
I don't know if would affect your unemployment but I know the time it took for mine and others' claims to be approved by SSDI, my unemployment ran out before the SSDI was approved. It is also not uncommon for the initial application to be denied and have to appeal which takes even more time. If even your doctors are on board by suggesting it to help you, let them, for some relief until you can figure things out and can get in a better place. Seriously consider filing.
I know it is not an easy decision but the world turned right side up for me once it was approved. The stress relief of having some income again so I could get my feet underneath, pay bills, retraining, and back to work in a positive way. The help is there, just have to ask.
Hang in there in the meantime! Hugs!

[bebop]

I would go ahead and apply for the disability. at 58 you should not have a big problem in getting it but it does take a few months for a decision. your case manager is trying to force you to work and from what you say about your work history I dont think you can hold down a job long term. give it a try hon

[Rose76]

I'm grateful to both of you, above, for encouragement. The amount of dithering I've been doing the past two years has me in a really worrisome place now. At some level, I sense I've been putting off the inevitable because I feel so guilty and not entitled to ask for SSDI.

You are both generous to have read my long post above. I get astonished at the time members of this website are willing to take to hear someone's problem and give well-considered advice.

[lavieenrose]

Rose, your story is very similar to mine. I live alone, and relatives are ignorant and very unsympathetic regarding depression, and uninvolved in my life. I worked professionally for about 15 years, and tried other types of work. With depression, anxiety, and ADD, I was too slow, and had trouble learning new procedures if they were technical and tedious. That led to a lot of job failure. As a social worker, I was struggling too much personally to feel effective as a clinician. My Pdoc suggested applying for SSDI. It wasn't difficult to be accepted. I was denied initially, but simply by appealing their decision, they reversed it.

I have to say that for me, I've developed more fear of workplace stress and failure since being out of the workplace for the past 6 or 7 years. I'm hooked up with a voc rehab agency, but am unsure what I'm suited for, as I'm mostly interested in art. The income from SSDI never covered my living expenses, since I am a homeowner. But if your expenses are low, and SSDI would give you a breather, go for it. I wish there were financial incentives to re-enter the job market, but I've found it hard to make up in earnings what I'd lose in health coverage if I returned to work. It's a dilemma. The pay for jobs not requiring my masters degree is pitiful. It's also been socially isolating being at home all this time. I'm 55, and a lot of employers seek younger, more "energetic" (read exploitable) workers. I feel for your situation.

[Rose76]

Lavieenrose: I sense that you do feel for my situation. Much thanks for your reading my post and sharing your your experience. I must decide to do something. Your post has nudged me. I see parallels in our situations. Also, we have looked at the system from vantage points not too far from each other. (In our professions, that is.)

Your posting ID is a song I love. Perhaps, you too have enjoyed old recordings of The Little Sparrow, the dear and brave chanteuse, who was no stranger to emotional turmoil.

Hi Rose,

I understand the guilt you feel. it's hard when you feel you're capable of working but know the stress that goes along with work can have such a negative effect.

I also agree with the others and think you should apply for the SSDI - I'm also wondering if you can apply for temporary disability while you are waiting - in my state you can file for something called "disability during unemployment". Maybe they have that where you live and you wouldn't feel as badly about being available and ready for work.

Like lavieenrose, I have that same fear of workplace stress - I'm currently looking at going from full time corporate to part time working from home, to alleviate the stress on the job. We have to do what's best for ourselves to stay healthy and happy.

You do not have poor character. This is not your fault. Many people apply for SSDI and i've never heard that it was humiliating - there is a reason for it and you have been paying into it in your paycheck all of these years - take advantage of it. It's ok to need help and ask for it. You are not alone.

[Nammu]

I agree with all those who are telling you to go ahead. Your Dr's are telling you for a reason, I'm sure they do not see you as a leech, when my Dr told me to aply I finely said ok, but if they turn me down I'm not apealing. To my huge surprise I got it. I was much younger than 58. It was a blow, but it did give me the time I needed to deal with the PTSD. I was able to learn how to deal with stress, go to ...they were not called part hospital, but it was a treatment on an out patient bases, from 9-3pm. I'm working with a great program now that addresses my fears of re-entering the work force. It may take some time but when you get it, and in your case I would say apeal if you are denyed, you are 58, you have worked a long time. So when it happens see it as an oppertunity to get more ntensive help and try contacting your family. That was the biggest gift I was given though SSDI. For some reson my family seemed to beleive that if the goverment beleive I was disabled, then they had been too harsh in telling me to pull up the boot straps, I made my bed....all of the famior refrains most o us have heard. With the help of the programs I got some of my family back. Not all of them, but some certainly better than no family. I can't promise it will happen for you. But with your Dr's help you certainly can get some help you deserve. You have earned it. Just want to apoligise for the typing and english-I should be in bed, but I hope the meaning is clear. There is nothing wrong with you, you need a break, use it to heal.

[lavieenrose]

Rose, I just came back to your thread and saw your comment. Yes indeed, I was inspired by Edith Piaf and one of my favorite songs. I even learned to sing it in French. I hope that you're feeling helped and supported by all the wise advice from PC members.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the recent posts in reply to my thread. To: sidestepper, those familiar refrains that you mention are part of my family culture, as well (for generations.) Even when they haven't been said to me, it was scary just hearing them said by some family members about other family members. (I would hear those refrains from childhood.) I've tried to avoid being targeted by those refrains, but I've taken a few hits. Mainly, for years, I disclose less and less for fear of being judged harshly.

I am grateful to all of you above for your caring responses.

[Fresia]

I hope you are doing ok. What are your thoughts on this at this point (?) if you don't mind my asking, with some more time and things to consider. Are you considering filing? I am hoping for fewer worries for you with some help that is out there or with whatever way you choose to go. Sending more hugs in the meantime and also to hang in there, take good care of you. ((((((((Rose76)))))))).

[eskielover]

I can understand your dilemma. I was 41 when I applied for SSDI.....had been a firmware design engineer for military communications systems for 15 years after graduating from college. I ended up in a position that I didn't fit into at the company I was working for & had a complete breakdown. Horrible mess & they wouldn't allow me to transfer back to the technical end of the company....I was trapped. Couldn't find any other jobs as aerospace was declining terribly & other companies wouldn't hire me because my technical experience wasn't up to date even though I went back to UCLA to take classes....they wanted ON THE JOB experience. I was so messed up & in & out of the psych hospitals....tried to get workman's comp but lost that case.....but my pdoc was the one that put through all the paperwork for my SSDI & I got it immediately. I don't remember much about that period of my life honestly......but just remember that in was only about 6 months after I left the company & while I was still on medical leave that I was approved for the SSDI. It felt even worse because my career was the only thing in my life that I wanted at that time.....which did make it worse....that was in 1994.

I went to voc rehab testing in spring 2004....a complete disaster. They only dealt with people who did NOT have degrees....assembly line stuff which only made my anxiety 200 times worse. I totally blew away the tests on the physics & other technical things, but they had NOTHING that they could even consider appropriate job wise for me......thought of going back to school & going into interior design, but they wouldn't approve of that either so I resigned myself to being on SSDI forever until I am old enough for Social Security retirement income which I'm sure will be much less then the SSDI I am getting now.

The worst thing was that I ended up going through a trauma that caused horrible PTSD issues the fall after going through the voc rehab....so I wouldn't have been able to follow through on education or anything for that matter. That situation messed me up worse than loosing my career, but probably worse because it was ON TOP OF that.

When one is not able to hold down a job/career, then SSDI is the best solution & for me, they said for me if I were not able to hold down a career equivalent to the one I had, then SSDI was an acceptable answer. I couldn't have worked if I were forced to at that point....NOW, I don't know how much work I MIGHT be able to do....but not worth attempting it at the age of 58....other than to supplement the SSDI.

Know it's a hard decision to make because the feeling of being on SSDI is hard at accept.....but it's most of the time the best thing we can do for ourselves.

Wishing you the best in working through your decision.