[whenwillitend]

I have a couple of things that are bothering me. First, I feel like I'm never good enough. To be exact, I want to have the perfect (clean) house, be the perfect wife and mother, I want to be a Stepford Wife! That's my goal. But it's unattainable, and it's driving me nuts that I keep reaching for that goal and just can't get there. I am totally obsessed with having a clean house. I can never relax, because there's always something left to do. I know it's because that's how I was raised, but that's also driving me nuts, that I can't just sit down and relax. I have totally unrealistic expectations in myself. I don't expect others to be like that, I don't care if someone else's house is dirty or clean. But mine has to be. (And it's not that it would make me feel superior or anything like that if I had the perfect house, it would just give me the right to relax, to just breathe.)

The other thing is that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of getting old. I am 36 now, and I feel like my life is almost over. My hair is turning grey. Gravity is starting to take its toll, especially after two kids. Getting old scares me to death. Not being able to walk fast anymore (I'm not at that point yet), or run, or do anything else physical, sports. Losing my teeth. That's a huge one! I have a lot of weight to lose, and it makes me so sad that even if I get back to my early marriage weight, I will never be "hot" again, like I was then. People my age, or older, aren't "hot" anymore. "Attractive" is as good as it gets. "Not showing her age". It makes me so sad that there are a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore, simply because I'm too old. I have lots of clothes still from when I was younger, and skinny. Even if I lose all the weight, I will never be able to wear them anymore. They're all just memories now. Memories of the life I used to have. I feel like I've lost half my life to this stupid depression. Wasted time. years spent just simply surviving.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with any of this. I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been bothering me for a long time.

I feel like I've lost half my life to this stupid depression. Wasted time. years spent just simply surviving.

Hello, whenwillitend. What can you do now to use your time more wisely?

[IceCreamKid]

I'm glad you posted. What you've posted looks like good information to bring to a counselor. Have you been to your doctor about your depression or attempted any counseling?

[splitimage]

Hi whenwillitend,

I can't relate to the wanting the totally clean house. That's pretty much how I was raised too, and it drove me nuts, so now I've gone in the opposite direction and pretty much become a slob.

I can however relate to the fear of getting older. When I turned 40 I got SU. For me it was all about not being where I wanted to be in life and feeling like I'd completely messed up, due to addiction and MH problems. It can get better. First off I decided to start doing stuff I enjoy. That year I must have gone to 20 rock concerts. Now I'm 42 and learning to play the guitar. My biggest fears are dementia and dieing alone. Well dementia I can't really do much about and it's pretty low risk, as there's no real history of it in my family, and I'm working on my fear of intimacy in therapy so that hopefully I'll be able to be in a relationship some day.

What do you like to do? What did you like to do before you got married and had kids? Is there anything you'd like to learn? Even it feels like you're forcing yourself, try something new - it'll make you feel better and give you less time to obsess over your house.

I'd also highly recommend the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It's quite good.

--splitimage

[Perna]

I had to deliberately work against the Stepford current; make myself not do stuff and get interested in other things instead. Some things were so bad that they actually made me laugh at how difficult they were. I remember working hard to decide which piece of meat was the "largest" and deliberately giving my husband the smaller piece and me the larger piece (the man/husband MUST have the larger piece! :-) and how I was laughing so hard at how ridiculous it was I told my husband and he couldn't believe it either and was laughing too.

Laugh at your Stepford self and tell people besides us! Tell your husband to "save you" from yourself and get other people into the act. We all make a joke about how my daughter-in-law does laundry all the time.

The aging thing is harder. I would tell you not to "cheat" and look back but stay where you are in time; it's "cheating" to me because you have this whole picture of how you "use" to be and we don't get whole pictures of how we are, don't have to face things all-at-once but only over time. I found my image of the future and what aging would be like is very very different than the actual experience too (I'm 60), even though I had grandparents and parents close to me living into their 80's so thought I "saw" and knew what the experience was like.

What helps/ed me is remember how, when I was 6, I use to go to the beach and couldn't wait to get in the water first thing; I literally could not imagine what was with the adults who wanted to lay on the sand (not fun at all) instead of get in the water! Now, of course, I can imagine the adult side Things change from what we imagine the future will be like to what our individual actual experience is! There are not just bad things about being older, a lot of the angst of being younger goes away and self confidence and a "calmness" steps in that is just about worth any price. It's okay at the end of a ride to look back and realize you really enjoyed it but remember too how frightened you were during! It's easy to be nostalgic when you are "safe" after an experience.

[madisgram]

Capitalism Magazine - Fear of Aging

How to Stop Obsessive Cleaning

[whenwillitend]

Thank you all!
I don't really know what I would like to do with my life at this point. I think I'm quite content with the way things are going. I enjoy being "just" a wife and mother, and it takes so much effort, I don't really have the time or energy to do anything else. Maybe when the kids get older. I feel like I have to completely redefine my life. Pre-marriage I went to work and then to the clubs with my friend. Or on dates. That's pretty much all I did back then, work and get drunk. I'm too old for that now, and getting drunk really doesn't seem so alluring anymore.

[jmorlang]

I am glad that you wrote this! I am a little compulsive in my behaviors as such that I can never get it through my thick skull that i have locked a door at night. I will check the door 10 times before bed and then lie there and wonder if i shut the door. I can not walk by the sink when there is dishes,the sink always has to be clean. I admire that you take the time to be a clean person. I am very judgemental when it comes to a friends dirty house. There are other behaviors that I will deem as compulsive and I do not have any suggestions on how to cure them but to tell you to hang in there.

I think about my age once in a while, I am 32 getting married to a older woman who is going on 39 this year. I have put on pant sizes since i was 18 and have started to salt in my hair. I look at the what i call frustration wrinkles on my forhead and wonder where the years have gone. But, I also look forward to the years to come.I have lived a hard life of drug abuse and bypolar issues. Getting older should be like a bottle of wine that ages better over the years. I try every day to pick just one thing that i liked or saw or did. It helps to put a smile on my face and lets me know that my day was worth living! And if nothing happened or came to mind i will turn on some music and let the day go.

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

I have a couple of things that are bothering me. First, I feel like I'm never good enough. To be exact, I want to have the perfect (clean) house, be the perfect wife and mother, I want to be a Stepford Wife! That's my goal. But it's unattainable, and it's driving me nuts that I keep reaching for that goal and just can't get there. I am totally obsessed with having a clean house. I can never relax, because there's always something left to do. I know it's because that's how I was raised, but that's also driving me nuts, that I can't just sit down and relax. I have totally unrealistic expectations in myself. I don't expect others to be like that, I don't care if someone else's house is dirty or clean. But mine has to be. (And it's not that it would make me feel superior or anything like that if I had the perfect house, it would just give me the right to relax, to just breathe.)

The other thing is that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of getting old. I am 36 now, and I feel like my life is almost over. My hair is turning grey. Gravity is starting to take its toll, especially after two kids. Getting old scares me to death. Not being able to walk fast anymore (I'm not at that point yet), or run, or do anything else physical, sports. Losing my teeth. That's a huge one! I have a lot of weight to lose, and it makes me so sad that even if I get back to my early marriage weight, I will never be "hot" again, like I was then. People my age, or older, aren't "hot" anymore. "Attractive" is as good as it gets. "Not showing her age". It makes me so sad that there are a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore, simply because I'm too old. I have lots of clothes still from when I was younger, and skinny. Even if I lose all the weight, I will never be able to wear them anymore. They're all just memories now. Memories of the life I used to have. I feel like I've lost half my life to this stupid depression. Wasted time. years spent just simply surviving.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with any of this. I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been bothering me for a long time.