[Maxplayer14]

Well, I don't know what to do....

I know I need some sort of help, I have over the years been, suicidal, depressed, anxious, addicted (Sorta), sad, happy, and 1 million other emotions that I have battled myself.

I have always told myself I am strong enough, I AM STRONG ENOUGH! The "Counselors" I have been to, I seem to think I can out smart, scare, get into their head. I am honest with them/myself one minute and not the next.

I hide my real emotions from the loved ones around me. My wife has no idea of the mental hell that lives in my head. Years and years I have fought with this hell, I win some and lose some.

I have 20 or 30 things on a list that I would like to complete one day but I can't even get the motivation to get started. I need to study, but when I start to study it last about 2 or 3 days. I need to exercise, when I do it last a couple of weeks. Same with diets, smoking, addiction, and just about everything I do.

I am lost in a world that doesn't understand me. A life that breaths confusion.

[(JD)]

Welcome to pc Max. Maybe you can find your way here? I keep wondering how so many of us can be lost and not find each other IRL. I guess it's good you have a list, but maybe you need to break it down into even smaller steps? Just one thing, that you become consistent with... something that seems easy? And run with that.. the good feelings for one thing you DO... maybe you can make a list of those things you do on a regular basis? Do you get up at the same time each day, or watch a certain tv show, brush your teeth each day, get your mail? I hope you have help IRL for the depression... that alone can kill us. TC

[Maxplayer14]

I have had help in the past, meds that is. They did seem to help, but as I get older I am more and more of the mind set that medication isn't the answer the problem just the symptoms of the problem.

I do get up at the same time everyday, brush my teeth the same time, take one of my kids to school at the same time, stop by the same store and buy the same drink and smokes.

The little things I am past, I have bigger things in life that I need to accomplish and everyday that passes my family and I lose out.

[(JD)]

Ah.. well it's good you can see the little things. I'm sorry for your misery "in your head" and hope you will continue your therapy struggle. About the bigger items... which one (on your list) would give you most satisfaction if you accomplished it... and which one is the "easiest or quickest" to do? I would pick one of them, personally... and work on just one thing to get done... one area... truly, as we age, we realize life is passing us by.. and we want to BE someone (we often don't feel like we are) pick ONE... and go for it?

[Maxplayer14]

Well, I am going to try and quit smoking on 12/1, if I can accomplish that it would go along way for me both mentally and physically.

[(JD)]

Well that's great! Are you going to get a doctor's help with a patch, and how strong of a patch you need? It's a drug, remember, cold turkey is not recommended!

[Maxplayer14]

I am going to do the patch. I have tried everything and this will be my 7th time at least. But I have to for my health, for myself, for everything.

[JustBen]

Glad to hear you're giving up smoking, Max. The patch is the way to go -- cold turkey is hell on the brain and the nerves. Have you ever tried hypnosis? I know it doesn't have a wonderful track record for smoking, but it seems to help people who are really motivated to quit, and you sound really motivated.

And not sharing your problems, even with your spouse? I know where you're coming from there. That's a typical guy thing, believe me. It creates kind of a double-whammy: not only do we close ourselves off from the support system that might help us deal with these problems, but we develop a kind of shame about our "secret lives". Why do we do it? I think it's pride, actually. We take a perverse kind of pleasure in being "strong enough" to handle it ourselves without the need of help from family or professionals...even though deep down we know we're not handling it very well. Or maybe it's fear? We're afraid of what might happen if we really ask for help, because folks might realize that we're not as strong as we like to think we are.

What finally shook me out of that pattern was realizing that even though I thought I was hiding that anguish, it was coming out in other ways. I'd be sullen or angry or just plain tired. I realized that there was nothing strong or manly about putting my family and friends through hell because I was too stubborn to ask for help.

If you get the chance, pick up a copy of "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real.

And by the way, welcome to the forums!

[jennie]

Maybe there is nothing wrong with you? It's okay to be confused and lost for a while.

[Maxplayer14]

I have tried hypnosis. As soon as the session was over I walked to my car and grabbed a smoke. It was a waste of $75 in my case. Its basically just some very well spoken motivational speaker trying to get you motivated enough to quit.

Well my spouse knows some, she knows about my past depression problems, she knows about some of my issues now. I guess some of what your saying is right, I feel like the strength of the family, or that I need to appear that way. If I break down, then what?

Hard for me to explain well.

Thanks for your reply.