[Fuzzybear]

Which do you think is more important on a site like this: being impeccable with your word ... ie meaning what you say and saying what you mean ... or being nice to people and complimenting them?

Take care,
Fuzzy

[PlanningtoLive]

Hmmmmmmmm Fuzzy, good question.

My biggest problem sometimes is that I always say what I mean, even in anger. I am always very careful with what I say, but I mean every word of it.

When I compliment someone or something, or be nice, it is because that is what I am feeling at the moment - sincerely and genuinely. For me, there is no other way.

[shrug] my T tells me that is why when I give him my promise or word on something, he never doubts me. It is the one thing I pride myself on.

It's also why sometimes I keep my mouth shut......lol. Better to bite my tongue unless directly asked a question.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

I don't think the two things are incompatable most of the time, (((((((((Fuzzywuzzy)))))))). Integrity of one's word is the most important I think, but usually there is something positive to find in most posts, and, certainly, in most people, so highlighting that aspect that you sincerely admire or appreciate about them is not being disingenuious - it's false flattery that is the thing to avoid, and If one disagrees completely, they can give a candid answer offered compassionately, or choose not to say anything at all. BTW, you do a good job of balancing these things I think, Fuzzy - that has certainly been my experience anyway. XOXO, Peanutty

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heidu]

I agree with both Mary Alice and Jill. You can talk to someone and be firm, respectful and kind. You can be honest without hurting intentionally. You can be direct without being forceful.

I think it's important to treat all people with respect. Of course there are those that don't deserve it but that doesn't mean I cannot ACT in a respectful manner towards them. That's not giving them anything. That's keeping something for myself.

Compliments are nice. Being nice is nice. Sincerity is important. If someone says you look good and then turns around laughing....well you get it. I don't believe in being nice to someone because that's what they want to here. I will be nice to someone because they need to hear it but only if it comes from my heart.

Thanks for asking Fuzzy :O)
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You always come up with such great thought provoking questions - thank you

I think that there can be a healthy balance of both on a site like this.

I am sincere and if I am sending compliments to someone, it is coming from my heart. I will keep my thoughts to myself if the subject or person posting makes me feel uncomfortable....I have been hurt in the past for being too nice to someone so I can be a bit more guarded (trust issue I think )

I think a healthy balance of both is what makes this board work so well. We have the "quiet" ones who we know are always there offering their gentle advice and support. We have the "noisy" ones who are offering their advice and life experiences to help. We have the ones in between the two who offer a balance of experience and gentle guidance. I think all are wonderful and that is what makes it work.

Tension is here.....but a good tension I hope? .....we all know that...it is what makes a board interesting. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone was the same? I think it is great when we can all work through the differences....that says a lot about everyone here .

I just treat everyone as I want to be treated ....I think we all can learn from that.

I don't mean anything calling anyone quiet or noisy either ...just trying to find the right word for both.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[heidu]

So.....I'm guessing I am a "noisy" one?

Good thoughts Heather. "I just treat everyone as I want to be treated" is a really good way to think before we speak or act.

Heidu


When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[mj14]

Perhaps the "quiet" ones are quiet because they do not believe they or their input are welcome. Some can only whisper of their needs or troubles...too much praise and attention to those who speak a lot will only drive these quiet ones away, to hide in corners.

Amazing how, with so many social phobes on this forum, this is not recognized.

[heidu]

Good point to make Mj. For me I sometimes don't notice when people are quiet. I never have had social phobias and basically no fear of people or situations in general. It's hard for me to sometimes imagine what it feels like to be afraid of people or to not know what to say. I can't imagine always having feelings that would hold me back from expressing what I thought and felt. To me that seems like it must be a prison of some sort.

I do experience some of that now in Norway but at the same time I know it is completely the situation and not me normally.

I think it's easier to remember and to interact with the people who are more active on the boards. They are the ones who's name pops up every day and they are the ones you interact with more.

Consider also that some people don't know the quiet ones very well. Because we may not now as much about you we may not know what to say. It's much easier for me to scan the posts and respond to the people who have actually posted or have made a comment on another post.

I also know that I have developed a closer relationship to those I interact more with. That's pretty normal because I think the more you get to know someone, the more you find you have in common, the more you have to talk about.

I really don't think it's a case of someones or anyones input not being welcome. I know when I posted about my friend and the problems we were having there was a select few who replied and I'll be honest, many who I consider friends here did not. Many who I thought would have some insight or advice or a word of comfort said nothing. I am not hurt by that. I figure that if someone has something to say then they would say it. I realize it is more difficult for some but if you want to be heard and you want to participate then you have to join in and interact. I am not directing this at you, just the thought in general.

I can tell you are hurting and I am sorry for that Mj. Maybe since youa re feeling this way and maybe others are too you could let us noisy ones (I guess that's what we are called nowadays) know what it is we can do to make things better and make it easier for others to post.

Big hugs sweetie,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Mj}}}}}}}}}}}}

I would not think that about the "quiet" ones at all. Any and all input is welcome in my opinion.

I find I am the one in the middle with more of a tendancy to be on the "noisy" side...gosh I wished I used a better term there than quiet and noisy.....any ideas anyone?



Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[SeptemberMorn]

"meaning what you say and saying what you mean "

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks everyone, I value all your replies, and I think you've all made interesting points. mj, I do agree with what you wrote about "too much praise and attention to those who speak a lot will only drive these quiet ones away, to hide in corners" ... because they feel that their posts can't possibly "compete" with all the posts and replies from the more vocal members. In some cases, they could feel invisible and uncared for. Also, people with social phobia sometimes have trouble with compliments, perhaps questioning whether they are always sincere. So my answer is that kindness is very important, but being impeccable with ones word is more valuable than too many compliments. Maybe the compliments are sometimes better saved for pm's. Just my take ... sorry if this is unpopular

Hugs,
Fuzzy

[Fuzzybear]

Mary Alice, Peanut, Heidu, Heather and Sept, thanks for your replies and hugs ... I appreciate you all a lot!!!

Hugs to all, (if ok ..)
Fuzzy

[Fuzzybear]

I feel as if I have messed up a little on this thread, as it would probably have been more effective to reply to you all individually. But I am human ...uh bear ... so I won't change my posts. I think the "problem" can be that the people who don't post, but read all the posts can maybe "overdose" on the hugging and compliments that go on between other members. I can't explain this without either sounding harsh or totally confused , but what I have written is as much or more from my experience on another board, than about the people here. So please don't take anything personally. I think you are all cool, so please carry on being yourselves Peanut I especially liked your post ... I hope you are doing ok!

Hugs,
Confuzzled Fuzzy

[Fuzzybear]

Ha! I wonder if this has ended the thread.

Take care,
Fuzzy

**Going back to my cave**

[Peanut61]

(((Fuzzy)))

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[inkblot]

Hmmm....I think...Respectful, supportive, honesty.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mj}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} very well said.

[Rapunzel]

Fuzzy,

I think that was a good question too. Genuineness is important. Insincere compliments really don't mean much, and if someone is insincere, it does tend to come out. But that doesn't mean that it is necessary to comment if what you would say might be hurtful. Sometimes refraining from answering is the best approach.

As for the "quiet" ones and the "noisy" ones, how about "introverted" and "extraverted"? Is that better? I'm not sure, but "quiet" and "noisy" works just fine. You probably wouldn't believe it based on how much I post here, but in real life I am extremely quiet and introverted. I am on most of my e-mail lists and things too, but here I have just had a lot to say I guess. The sqeaky wheel gets the grease is unfortunately true. If you don't know what someone needs, it's hard to know to give it to them. Not that they are any less deserving or that anyone likes them any less, but that's just what happens. I can see how it is easy to feel left out when people are giving lots of hugs and support to a few members, but less vocal people are sitting there reading and not posting much and not telling us that they need some support too. Yeah, I've been there a lot in real life.

And there do get to be those people we know better because we've corresponded with them for a while and they have helped us before. I never want to leave anyone out, whether they are one I feel particularly connected to or a potential friend I don't know as well yet. Still, I tend to respond more to the people I feel like I know. Sometimes I have something to say and sometimes I can't think of anything that seems like it would help or it seems like others have already covered the issue as well or better than I could, so I don't say anything. And sometimes I just get swamped and don't even get to this site for a while or don't have enough time to reply to everything as I would like. I just hope that no one takes it personally if they don't get a reply from me. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone.

Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for your great feedback everyone!!

Hugs,
Fuzzy