[silverbells]

Ugh - I haven't slept a WINK - and I'm painting this mural in my living room and suddenly this EPIPHANY comes across my consciousness like some sort of magical fog bank, and I realize that my ex was on this corporate path when I met him, and I was POUNDING out the art and doing a pretty good job at it, and I think the guy saw me as his token artist-in-residence, and he's very used to concealing his true feelings as that's the way to power and the more talent I exhibited the more freaked he got, and he just kept stuffing it all and - you know - I just wasn't supposed to marry the guy. I just am not supposed to be married. And there were ALL these TIMES when he - oh, he's a brilliant actor and I do mean brilliant, and his parents are top-docs and they didn't like the fact that he was an artist and so if he couldn't get any acknowledgment, how was he going to be a good husband and help me get the acknowledgment I need? And I'm just an artist thru and thru and that's absolutely all there is to it - and he is but he's all caught up in pleasing his parents and will be until he's on his deathbed, but that's not my problem anymore. But the - this could go on for VOLUMES, but the point is that I just think I need to forgive myself for getting married. It REALLY did seem like the right thing to do at the time, you know? I swear it. So, I - well, I THINK I hereby forgive myself (something tells me that it's not going to be quite so simple) (BUT AT LEAST I KNOW what I HAVE TO DO!!!). I REALLY think I need to forgive myself for marrying that COMPLETE idiot (just kidding) (not really) (my god that guy really messed up my life) (but it's up to me to straighten it all out) (emoticon lying flat on the floor) (hey, maybe that means I can sleep now!). Oh my. Thank you for being htere, everyone.

[silverbells]

...And you know - I must be chewing on something big psychologically, because I cannot paint a straight line for the life of me - for about a week it's been impossible, and it normally falls out of my hand and surprises the heck out of me. I think I would not have felt so COMPLETELY worthless - for the last fifteen years if I hadn't married him. My friends and associates did NOT think i was worthless. And I look at people's social phobias on here and I look at my husband and his family and how they could NOT let me thrive - we couldn't exist in the same family - because I wasn't just like them, and I wasn't the proper extension of their ego, adn they couldn't control my spirit like they controlled each other, and I didn't overlook their criminal behavior - but the point is that I've done (well, I've had to) a LOT of healing thru my imagination. My family of origin died when I was young, and I just kept relating to them in many ways in my imagination. And you know - it's sure better than ECT. I can just sort of pick up where I left off when I met the guy - I mean, there's no real reason why I cannot, from my identity's point of view, just really pretend that it didn't happen. I can remember EXACTLY what I was like as a person - all I have to do is participate in some sort of artistic endeavor and it all feels so familiar - I feel JUST like the same "me" I was twenty years ago. And my identity really doesn't care (oh please bear with me and don't be afraid of this epiphany I'm reporting to you guys - I'm really just beginning to trust you all). (AND I'm reporting it to be of HELP, for pete's sake ). Anyway, I can go back to happiness. I can choose happiness. I can just not continue to let his/their opinion of me rule my life and make me feel like a worthless speck. Does that make sense? Does anyone else practice this sort of thinking?

[silverbells]

...(last thing) - but this is the whole POINT of everything we've all been discussing on here. You CANNOT let someone's opinion of you define who you are, define your worth. It's SO CRAZY-irrelevant. And THIS is why I'm afraid I feel marriage is so unnatural. i guess people can pull it off, but melding two identities - phew-WEEEE! How on EARTH? I've just let his being-bugged-by-me define who I am. He doesn't let my RAGE at him as a person define who he is (maybe he does - he's kind of messed up). But it's just really so irrelevant to me - we've been split for five years. I really need to work on letting go of their opinion of me. It's just EATEN me alive for YEARS. It doesn't matter - it doesn't matter - it doesn't matter.

[silverbells]

You guys - it's SOOO weird. It's like baby steps, I tell you - learning to ignore the messages I've gotten from abusive people all of my life - well, first there's learning to avoid abusive people, and then there's learning to ignore what they've said and think in their absence. And as I give myself permission to do so, my strengths LITERALLY become un - ugh - i don't know - uncovered, unmasked - whatever. I'm not afraid of outshining anyone, of - I've had SO many jealous, devious, greedy people in my life - and Pachyderm, I like you too much to disagree with you about ANYTHING at this early stage! But I have lots of responses brewing to your question about whether evil exists. I've been conditioned to stay in the presence of and be controlled by people that I absolutely believe are evil, and steering clear of them is helping me to understand how the business world works, how and why governments are set up the way they are, why my ex failed in the business he basically muscled away from me, how I could borrow and invest and run a small business, how government works FOR me (all I could see is how it works against me (us) - traps us - spies on us - blah blah blah), and the extent of my understanding of the world was based on SO much resentment of the way the people I was surrounded by MISMANAGED their lives, their families, their jobs, etc. My worldview was COMPLETELY colored by the confines of my personal experience, and basically the social interactions I'd have boiled down to trying to enroll other people in my rage about how messed up the world is. I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THAT IT'S (not necessarily) MESSED UP! It's not PERFECT, and it's unfair to large groups of people, but I was such a radical hero that I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND - like I LITERALLY couldn't understand the business/govt/econ/news that was right in front of me and that will ASSIST me in assisting people. UGH. This is so complex, I don't expect anyone to follow it. I just cannot tell you how this website is affecting my life. It's allowing me - no, it's ENCOURAGING me - it's REWARDING me for working thru my junk. I just cannot believe it. I'm crying.