Falling Apart

Hello Friends,

I have spent the day forcing myself to not burst into tears. I had to go grocery shopping and had to concentrate to not let tears slide down my face.

This is ridiculous, I've been through enough to know that things eventually work out somehow... even if it's not what we want. But my emotions aren't working with my reasoning right now.

The letter from the DHHR was the last straw on my fear of being homeless again. I have other financial problems that scare me to death and now this... The nightmares about being homeless have been back for months but they are increasing in reality to the point I'm not sure where I am sometimes when I wake up. I have to lay there for a minute and concentrate to figure out where I am.

My father left our family home to me. He also left half a farm and other properties to me. He left them in my mother's name with the explicit instructions that they were to be left for me because my health was so poor even then. His abuse is what broke my health, but I guess that was supposed to be beside the point. Of course, I earned everything he left for me with my slave labor, sweat, and yes, blood. It didn't occur to him that she would ever try to think. She thought all right and sold it all to the first person who came along and offered a low offer. She sold it all but one tiny rental house. She wasted all the money. All of it. My home is gone. My farm is gone. She complains because she lives in the tiny house and she won't let me stay there. She's complaining about her safe little house and I'm in a mugger's paradise in an apt where I sometimes can't breathe because the bedroom is so tiny.

I forced myself to finish putting up my tree. To my horror, I can't see my ornaments! My vision is that much worse. It's all I can do to keep from starting to box everything I own. It's a reflex and I'm fighting it. I don't have a closet big enough, but for the first time in years yesterday I wanted to hide in the closet. (What I used to do when I knew I was in danger when I was tiny.)

I also realize I have been jerked off a lots of my meds due to allergic reactions and that's having a huge effect on my emotions.

A dear friend here finally convinced me to share with all of you when I am in crisis. I hope you don't get tired of it. Thanks for reading this.

I need someone to protect me right now and all I have is me. I know the second I post this, I'll be horrified that I did, but here goes.

Your friend,

Jan

(((((((((((((((((((((((((sweet jan)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't be horrified of posting. We will not take your posts for granted and will love you right through this. Your letting us do that is a blessing for us as well as you.

Jan, you're going through so much psysically AND emotionally. You are so brave and have gone through so much. It's ok to cry; to just sit down and bawl your eyes out. You more than deserve that and it can be healing.

Jan, you're going to make it through this shining even brighter than you did before...if that's possible. In the meantime, we are all here for you. Thank for for allowing that.

With much love and respect,

KD

{{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}

You did right to let it out, Sweety. I don't have any answers right now, but I'll sure be thinking on it! It WILL work out!

Hi Jan,

All your emotions and reactions sound normal to me.

I'm sorry your mother has left you in a vulnerable position, and your father was so abusive. Coming off meds can accentuate everything you are feeling.

I read you post quickly, and wanted to get off a response quickly. Do you have a fallback position?

Jane - Oz

(((((((((((((((((((((( Jan )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I so wish I could help you more!

january,

I wish i could help, i wish i could make some of this better. Please take care of yourself with all this.

all the girls

((((((((((Jan)))))))

(((((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))

Jan..I am so soo sorry for your pain. You will transcend this! I believe it!!

TGC!!

((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are going through all you are right now. It seems that you have withstood all sorts of issues in your life. It is more than natural you would want to sit down and cry. That is a great healing skill. I hope you use it for yourself now. I too could cry with you just reading your post. Please try and not feel so all alone as we are all here for you. You are a survivor and will continue to be. Please take care of yourself.

{{{{Jan}}}}}

Me and the bunnies are pulling for you. I don't know what else to say, we care, we are glad you let us in on just how big a stuff you're dealing with. I'd cry too. Be safe.

(((((((((((Jan)))))))))

i think you said it best:

"I've been through enough to know that things eventually work out somehow... "

I wish I could be more help to you...you're in my thoughts and prayers!

(((((((((Jan)))))))))))
Things do eventually work out. I went through the same exact thing you're going through now-3 times. But I've been fine now for the past 12 years, though.
It may seem hopeless right now but you will get through it and come out stronger and smarter because of it.
Please, don't lose hope.

Jan, I agree with kimmy here, and I find no problem with you releasing this stuff, we need to do that some times.
I am sending you my thoughts and prayers, and also some cyber hugs.
Please take care now.

(((((((((((((( January ))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish I could send you some money or offer you a home where you could stay till you could get back on your feet again. I want to save you right now, be there for you because I know you need someone so badly. Unfortunately my bank account is drained and I don't live anywhere near you to offer you a roof over your head.

But I am here for you! Always know that you mean very much to us and that we are all thinking of you and praying for you! I really do hope you get a break sometime very soon.

Hang in there.

((((((((((((((((((( Kimmy ))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

Oh gosh Tomi, thank you!

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((( Jane ))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for hurrying to answer. I really appreciate it. At the moment my fallback is living in my car, but surely it won't come to that....

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((((((( Silver ))))))))))))))))))))

But you do help, just by being my friend!!!!!!!! It means so much.

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((( ATG )))))))))))))))

You have helped me more than you know just by posting.

Thank you.

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((( Comp ))))))))))))))

You are exactly right. Everything is NOT a crisis. It just feels like it right now and I must remember to think and not just feel.

Hugs,

Jan

Thank you, dear growly bear.

(((((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((( Dottie )))))))))))))))

Thank you so very much. Postive thinking sure does help.

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((( BP Bear ))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. I don't feel nearly as alone because all of you wrote back to me. Thank you for reminding me I am a survivor instead of a "sufferer". That is very important.

Hugs,

Jan