[jbug]

I am wondering if any of you have this problem. I have realized I'm a huge people pleaser. I just say yes even when I really want to say no. An example is this....my next door neighbors don't have a car or a phone. So they are always coming over to use my phone or to see if they can get a ride to work. One of them works about 6 miles away and it only takes about 20 minutes to take her to work but when I go to pick her up its about an hour to get home because of the stupid traffic. This morning I had to go get him then take her to work. I was told that when the semester ended they would let me be so I could relax and not have to worry about babysitting or being their taxi. They do pay me for gas for taking them to work and yesterday she bought me supper and cigarettes. Now that I have the internet she is asking me to check her email or to see if any of her friends are online. I like these people but am getting really tired of always doing things for them. I don't know how to say no I can't take you here or no I can't pick you up from work. I have always been this way and in fact my lack of being able to say no is how I lost my virginity. I didn't want to make him mad so I said ok. I've talked to my T about it and he is getting me a book on being able to say no. I am open to listening to suggestions.


Jbug

[EJ711]

Jannie,

Try to remove yourself from the situation for a minute. Then think about the things you can reasonably help them with or want to help them with, and the things that are out-of-line, perhaps like checking e-mails.

Then just tell them the things you are still willing to help them with, and the things you won't be able to do.

Jane

[January]

((((((((((((((((( Jannie ))))))))))))))))

My greatest problem is boundries with people irl. I can do it online, but have a lot of problems with in my face ppl. I can tell you that your health and you mental health will greatly suffer if you don't do something. You can tell them you are sick, and your Dr recommends that you rest as much as possible and get rid of any extra errands that aren't for you. It works and generally people might not like it, but they accept it.

Also, if they are bugging you on the phone, don't answer. Explain that you don't always answer your phone or return your calls because the phone sometimes bothers you and you don't want the stress. If they make a further comment gently explain that you pay the bill and you own the phone, the phone does not own you.

Hugs,

Jan

[SeptemberMorn]

Jannie, the people that used to live where I live now used to use me like that. I lived 5 door up from here. They were always borrowing cigarettes, food, cat food and litter, and when the old man totalled their car, it was take me here take me there, sometimes 2 or 3 times in one day. The first time, it's really, really hard... but say "Sorry, I can't do that. I'm too busy right now"... or whatever. You could suggest they use public transit. Don't think about the fact that it might be inconvenient for them. That's THEIR problem! If you have to, get your dander up! It makes it a whole lot easier to say "N-O". People like that are "Takers and Users." They'll keep taking as long as you let them and THEN some!!

oh boy did I so much so that I spent so much time pleasing my then roommate - taking care of her children, keeping her children and her safe from her husband, pleasing the kids teachers..... basically doing everything my roommate was supposed to be doing right down to spending my money I was setting aside for a deposit on my own appartment on her snow tires for her car.

I said and did only what "peggy" wanted me to do until I took a handful of pills and landed in the hospital mental health unit. They refused to release me until I had a different place to go. One friend offered me her place for a month or two and another friend gave me the book "the Giving Tree".

I now know I come first and my friends needs second. If they don't like what I say and do thats too bad. They can take what I can offer or they can leave it.

Those that are my true friends accept that and stuck around even after I refused to go above what I could give and try to please them.

The abusers that expected more of what they want instead of what I can offer either left me (which I happily waved goodbye) or I showed them the perverbial door.

Friendships are great but I don't want them at the expense of losing myself and landing in the hospital again.

Amazingly once I started standing up for myself I ended up with an amazing amount of friends because some potential friends were staying away from me because it hurt them to see me be in abusive friendships where I ignored me and took care of pleasing everyone else.

[Lexicon78]

I used to have trouble saying no to people too but the only way I overcame that is first saying no to little things, and then I moved up to saying no to bigger things. Take small steps and go from there.

[jennie]

((((janniebug)))) a little people pleasing is okay . . . the problem is when you allow others to step across your boundaries. your wants and needs are important, too!

[misty]

I like Lexi had to learn to say no too. It was not easy but I had to just begin by just saying it no matter what the feelings afterwords. You can practice the word no in the mirror first. I had to.
larks

[hillbunnyb]

Make a sign that says " Self sacrifice sucks" and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Take care of yourself first or you won't be of any help to anybody, including yourself! That's my two cents....... of course, I have to stay away from people to keep my boundaries strong....... How's about 2 lists: 1) can do, 2)can't do. With a copy for them and a copy for you.? Best 2U.

[Myzen]

Hi folks,

I guess we are all on the same wavelength here - people pleasing is a downer!

I've done all this as well, and all you get back is more work, more errands to do, more lifts to give etc etc. I once asked myself: would these people do all this for me? Of course they wouldn't. Not a chance.

Sometimes it's good practise to listen to how other people say no, and it's pretty final I can tell you. Often they don't even tack an excuse onto the 'NO' as that invites more talking. They just say 'NO' - it's easier for them.

'NO' is one of the most self affirming and self empowering statements in human language. I think that we should use it advisedly, but we should certainly be able to use it. Without the ability to say 'NO' life can become hellish.

Go for it!

Cheers, M

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{{Jannie}}}}} I have this problem big time, too =/ In fact that is also how I lost my virginity I thought it was just me...sorry to hear about people taking advantage of you, hopefully some of the above advice works for you. =)

[ozzie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
'NO' is one of the most self affirming and self empowering statements in human language

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree 100%.....even if you are bombarded with anger.....just say no!

[jbug]

Thanks for the input people. I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and tell them that I am not their taxi service. This morning I was running a little bit late and was supposed to go pick him up from work. Well he called while I was in route and ended up getting another ride home. If he could have gotten that ride why did I need to get up at 6:30 to go pick him up. I was visibly peeved and I guess she reamed him out when he got home without me. I gave her a ride because her ride left without her and she said she's going to buy me a 12 pack of soda. I know in the morning I am sleeping in and NOT going to go pick him up.

Jbug

[bebop]

you got up just to go pick up a neighbor from work? wow. I am a pleaser too but I won't go that far I don't think. I hate people using me and me knowing it and still afraid to say no. I am with you here hon

[jbug]

Well here is some more in the continuing saga. She came over this afternoon after shopping with her sister and gave me a $25 gift card to Old Navy for Christmas. I was very surprised. She then asked me to take her to the store because when she was shopping she forgot to get milk for her 14 month old. Of course me being me said ok. She bought me my 12 pack of soda and said she'd bring me home another one tomorrow because we couldn't find the 24 packs. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. I did have to laugh today though when she was trying to log on to check and see if a friend of hers was online the computer kept booting her off. LOL

Jbug

[bebop]

poetic justice? lol

[Estee1]

Wow! You sound like me. I do things for people sometimes because I'm scared to say no. It's not something that you can just change overnight. You have to go about changing it slowly. Say no to some of the smaller things first and then it will become easier to say no to bigger things. It's certainly very painful stuff when you start to say no, but once you get in the hang of it the guilt about saying no seems to fade a bit.
Try saying no a little at first and maybe only on one person in your life because you certainly don't want everyone you know getting hot headed all at once. Cos lets face it, some people will be angry when you say no. That's the whole reason why we say yes. We're scared of their reaction. So you really only want one person angry at a time, if that makes any sense. They might not get angry, you might be surprised. I had to say no to this guy who wanted to have a relationship with me and i was so afraid. But he was thanking me for telling him and he respected me heaps more after that. people respect you if you let them know their boundaries. I am no expert on this, I just know what has worked for me. I am the queen of people pleasing.