No diagnosis... and frustrated.

Let me say first that in general my diagnosis doesn't really matter to me, except that I have no idea how to treat my illness.

This isn't going to be a "here's all my symptoms diagnose me type post" if doctors can't figure it out, neither can you guys.

I was originally thought to have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Before when I would say even the words "Childhood sexual abuse". I would cringe. I probably couldn't say them. Then suddenly I had a massive psychotic episode that landed me inpatient for seven weeks. (just got out yesterday). Where I was properly medicated and I suddenly understood that my sexual abuse was a complete delusion.

One psychiatrist tells me I am not handling the memories of sexual abuse correctly and therefore I am in complete denial and really do have PTSD.

Another tells me I am severely depressed and doesn't touch on anything PTSD related.

Another tells me I have paranoid schizophrenia and the sexual abuse really was, in fact a delusion of mine, since I have other delusions.

The one who says paranoid schizophrenia has known me the longest.

I have spent the last three years in intensive therapy dealing with this so called "sexual abuse".

A doctor asked me "aren't you relieved it never happened?" And while I was still not medicated I answered "NO. If it happened then I just have PTSD. I can deal with that. I can handle that. But if it didn't happen then that means I've been in one big fantasy world for the last three years of my life! And how great is that? How is that manageable?!"

I have no idea which way to turn. How to treat it. If it's PTSD, then I need to put my heart into therapy getting over memories that are plastered in my head. Very severe memories. Like *trigger* little girls in cages and being sold to strange men.

*trigger over*

Now that I'm medicated I really do think it was all a delusion. I have no issues talking about the images in my head. But again I could be in complete denial. And PTSD does cause psychosis at times.

If it's schizophrenia then I need to be watched very closely on medications and I need to be in therapy, learning how to take care of myself. Which I lack greatly.

I personally think it's schizophrenia, but obviously I can't be an accurate judge of that. I personally think that, because I found this journal awhile back, which was the whole reason I agreed to inpatient in the first place.

http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume7/j7_3_5.htm

I don't really know what to do. I was sort of forced into seeing a trauma therapist this coming wednesday, going off the old diagnosis. Should I tell her what's going on or should I keep pretending this stuff bugs me?

((LydiaB)) - I agree this all sounds very confusing. Its hard when doctors have conflicting opinions. Before you started seeing doctors, did you remember childhood sexual abuse or did a doctor think you had repressed memories?? Do you have any siblings who may know what happened or experienced abuse too? I hope you can find a team of doctors who agree and can help you.

i agree with lynn. also seeing this new therapist-discuss how all this confusion makes you feel. imo, you direct your therapy. i'd print out your post and hand it to her too. hope the upcoming appt. provides you with some clarity.
docs who contradict each other is frustrating. you can't successfully succeed with all these different dx's. however discussing what's really happening may yield results regardless of what they tell you is your dx. a competent T should be able to do that.

Well, no I have no physical proof any of it ever happened. No witnesses. No family involvement. When I was nineteen I suddenly realized I was sexually abused, no prior memories. As far as anyone "suggesting" it. I can't really remember. I mean I had an eating disorder, so of course every doctor I saw, asked. Usually my response was "no" and they would move on. I was never solely with one doctor, who could even have a chance to suggest it. I was bounced around from facility to facility.

Then suddenly one day I remembered. A few weeks later I was hospitalized for the first time. And then 20 to follow. I became fearful of everybody, mostly men, who like the article entails, may be capable of harming me. Neighbors, mailmen, therapists, maintenance men. I became reclusive, wouldn't leave my house, wouldn't open my blinds, began hearing voices, beeps and buzzes and music that wasn't there. Cried uncontrollably when bright lights or loud noises were happening. Started to see dark creatures. Started to think my dog was sick, I was sick. Started to believe I had a brain tumor. Became convinced certain people wanted me dead. On and on and on. The number of delusions were uncountable.

In the hospital, while still trying to find correct medications I almost hung myself after I became convinced the entire staff were congregated outside my door, cheering me on to kill myself. When the nurse asked "why would you do that?" I cried "Didn't you WANT me to!?" That was pretty much my real first breaking point to realizing what I knew wasn't always the truth.

It went on for nearly five years, as I'm nearly 24 now and I never, barely went near anti psychotics. A few times to aid with anti depressants, but never high doses. And I never got any better. Until now.

The therapist, could essentially help me. If not with the sexual abuse, then the trauma I've endured in psychiatric wards. As I have been restrained, had my clothes ripped off me, etc and I often have flashbacks of it. I guess now that my insurance is covering a specialist, they don't have to know what goes on in our conversations totally. But she is a specialist, and seeing her for anything but trauma, would be a waste of her time.

I mean I spent years with a typical therapist, who didn't specialize and I got nowhere. Despite ample efforts on both of our parts. But we were both quite possibly entertaining an idea and diagnosis that may have never existed to begin with.

It just seems odd to walk in there and be like "sorry but my insurance forced me here, and it's not that I don't want to WORK on my issues, but they don't exist".

She's going to think "denial, denial, denial, how isn't she over denial yet"?

I just want this confusion to be over with and figure it out already.

Thanks for the reply ((LydiaB)) - sorry isn't adequate for all you've been through in the hospitalizations. Good to see you're happy and getting help with this current therapist. I really hope she can help you unravel all this and find a successful treatment / diagnosis.

You are in my thoughts, LydiaB.

I agree with Madisgram that you should print out your posts and take it to the trauma therapist you see on Wednesday. Although you may feel as if you may be wasting this therapist's time, he/she should be the one to make this determination. If the therapist feels that this form of therapy is not appropriate for you, they will discharge future treatment and assist you (if needed) to a more appropriate referral. Having said this, I would also recommend being completely honest during this session so you can receive and/or be directed to the most appropriate treatments for your condition. Although the trauma may not have actually happened to you, the delusions you experienced (if that's what it was) were in fact very real to you and have possibly affected you as if it actually happened. I wish you the best of luck with your journey