[Jewelz81]

I haven't posted here in a while, I've been mostly hanging on the ADD forums lately.
I was finally diagnosed ADHD-PI about a month ago at 30 years old, as well as Dysthymia (chronic depression).
But I have been wondering off and on for a while if I don't have sort of an addiciton to anxiety?

Perhaps that is also causing the self-sabotaging tendencies I have now. Anxiety is a chemical reaction, “fight or flight” rush we get to motivate us, often in an emergency. But a lifetime of high stress “flight or fight” situations seems potentially detrimental to well being.

http://anxietycause-anxietycures.com...ddicted-to-it/

Since I was a child I was in high stress situations at home. My parents were constantly fighting, and sometimes I literally got in the middle and was fighting with them, mostly on my mother's side. I developed a hatred towards my father who took off for months at a time. When he was around he was quitting or losing jobs frequently, we were poor and living on and off of welfare, depending if he made a little more but not enough to live from.

Knowing and actively being involved in my parents stress and fighting, lead me to feel like the parent by as early as 10 years old. My mother was often to depressed to go out in public, so would sit in the car while I got groceries. There would have been upsetting feelings or anxiety when I got to the register the first few times, not realizing I got more than the food stamps we had to cover. After a while, I learned to calculate an estimate in my head which made it easier.

Sure this is also an ADHD thing, but... In school, I often procrastinated my homework as long as possible. I remember scrambling in the morning sometimes, or even between classes to finish it, that would also produce anxiety or an adrenaline rush to complete it on time. I also started smoking even though I was against it for all the health reasons. Started at a time when I was feeling highly stressed and frustrated with my life.

I took some risks with friends while drinking under aged. We took the risk of having open alcohol in my vehicle a couple of times, even drinking in the parking lot at a Homecoming and going back inside. No big risks being taken there at all. Since we lived in a small town, there were a lot of country roads, which I got “convinced” to do some more daring things on while driving, turning off headlights while going through quiet country road intersections with stop signs at full speed. Sure it wasn't entirely my idea, but those things would have produced the adrenaline/anxiety rush. Nothing bad ever happened to us from doing any of those things. We never even got caught or ticketed. We could “get away with it” so to speak.

The procrastination continued throughout high school and college. To a point where I felt I wrote better papers “under pressure” than not. Or maybe I was just getting used to the anxiety feelings and needed to procrastinate to keep them coming. I procrastinated everything it seemed, cleaning and homework were the biggest, but as I was on my own more in college, paying bills was another procrastination. Which would definitely be stressful/anxiety producing if they were not paid on time, which they often were not after a while.

My first credit card I had a $500 limit, and kept it paid off, until they raised it without me asking shortly after, then it was a little harder but still mostly paid on time at least. Then in college I needed another limit raise to cover books. After that, I rarely paid more than the minimum and it wasn't long before I was also at or just under my credit limit on a regular basis. So this created a cycle of being at or near my limit, knowing I needed to pay it down, but still using it for things like gas or groceries, or in a bar with friends. Then I started getting the late/over limit notices. Eventually I defaulted on the card. And another card with only a $300 limit.

After a car accident that totaled my car (not at fault, for the record), I had “ok” enough credit (before the default credit card) to just barely qualify for a new car that was being “pushed” so more people got approved. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to make the nearly $300 a month car payments, and days after I got approved, I quit one of my 3 part time jobs I had during college, based on a “last straw” level of frustration at work. I couldn't take the car anymore. But I did buy a car from a guy, that ended up being a bad decision and spent as much as I paid for the car in repairs.

I've had my license suspended several times in the past, especially from ages of 17-24, do to points from tickets, or later on from resulting unpaid fines. Which created a viscous circle. I would take the “risk” of driving without my license because I “needed to drive” and only one of the times did I even apply for a Occupational License for work.

I even drove with alcohol in my system during those times. (knock on wood, still no DUI's to my name). But almost every time I would drive, at some point I would remember I wasn't supposed to, and could get in big trouble for driving with a suspended license. Every time I saw a police car there was some anxiety I would get pulled over. And I did a few times, sometimes for a headlight out or something minor.

I also have let my registration and plates expire and not renew them on time, partially due to finances, but that also created a level of anxiety that I could get a fine for that as well. I have often let routine car maintenance go, such as adding oil or oil changes, tires being filled, etc, without being checked as frequently as necessary. Most of my cars have basically died or had more problems than were worth fixing after a while. No car = anxiety/stress.

Looking back, I can see that I have quit or changed from full time to part time jobs at the worst times, often shortly after I had benefits coverage. Now I seem to have “bad things happen” at the worst possible times, that drive me to quit or lose jobs. I might be just on the verge of almost catching up or digging myself out of one hole, when something “happens” and I fall right back into the hole.

Are these things this somehow (subconsciously) intentional, to keep that anxiety-adrenaline-chemical-rush coming back?

Not knowing if I will have enough for rent or other essentials? Do I leave a bill go past due even when I have the money order ready to go, but it sits around for a week or two?

Is this all somehow on purpose to keep that anxiety of :not knowing what will happen" if it's not paid on time?

Do I say things to people, or think things about them (whether true or not) knowing what type of reaction it will draw, to illicit some sort of turmoil or conflicts, even if only with myself?

Do I ever do these things at a time where I am already under turmoil and make everything else seem magnified?

Do I feel some sort of “urge” these days to do things I KNOW I shouldn't do, that I KNOW will only cause me further stress, and I KNOW it can only bring more anxiety my way?

Is this why I am starting to believe I am just plain self-sabotaging?!?

[boodles]

Your post is very interesting and, in my opinion, quite insightful. I believe that people with ADD are bored with routine and need that stimulation in order to pay attention to something. I know I am that way. So you probably are perpetuating the cycles exactly as you share.

Have you worked with a therapist? One thing that has helped me somewhat is DBT (dialectical behavior training).

[Jewelz81]

Not too much because I almost never have insurance or money to pay for anything. On Monday I was scheduled for an assesment with the County mental health.. but I already know they do NOT treat "adult" adhd. So I wasn't sure it would do any good. Or like today, I missed an appointment for orientaton to employment assistance services basically... all so typical of me.. I "thought" I would remember what time it was today, but I didn't look at the paper until right after the time I was actually supposed to be there.
But then there's part of me that wonders if I "forget" on purpose..

Maybe I don't want the stigma/label so definitely..

Maybe because I have a degree in Psychology, I feel stupid that I'm not the one WORKING IN these types of facilities.

Maybe it's another way of "sabotaging" help

[Perna]

I do not see how anxiety over not having enough money is self-sabotage. True, worry-induced anxiety is, worrying does not "do" anything for us, is always about the future which we cannot know or do anything about so merely draining but if one doesn't have "enough" money, supporting one's self is tough!

We can control some of what we do; if we need to quit a job for our mental health, we get another job first and then quit, not just quit and worry about where the next job/money is coming from? Some of the examples you gave were like that but it is very very hard to even think straight when you have 10 things to think about and only 8 resources! I was just working on Christmas gifts, only using 2 catalogs but trying to mix and match and figure out people and costs was a couple-hour job and I had to quit for the day instead of even thinking about going online and trying to order/get addresses to send things to, right!

I find doing something, even something small like making lists, helps me move forward with less stress. That you wait until the last moment to do school work; that can be one's style and if it works for you, the "energy" from last minute work like that is not bad. Just recognizing that is what you do, can get rid of some of the stress; you do get the work done, who cares "when" as long as you turn it in and get the marks you would like? If you do not get good marks or turn it in late, that's a different problem.

I think it is great that you are thinking about all this and getting to know what it is you do and how you feel like/dislike it. It all depends on how you feel about what you do. If you don't like how you do something, you figure out how to change your habits; just because we were taught something as we were growing up does not mean we have to keep them. Yes, habits formed early might take a bit longer to change because we have been performing them for longer in that way but all our behavior is under our control and can be changed if we want to work on it.

The only stress/anxiety/worry I do not like for myself now is when I am awake at night and so I have started "doing" something about the things that worry me then. Yesterday I spent the day working on my finances and budgeting and today I feel good and excited about what I did and there are a lot of scary worries that cannot exist anymore because I took the time to address them yesterday.

That you made bad decisions in the past, should remain in the past. You can learn from those decisions and that's the only way we do learn! You cannot learn much from when things go well because there's not much to remember. That's why we remember the bad dreams and memories; what you did on Tuesday, September 24, 2002 in school, probably does not jump out at you? That's because it was an "average" or "good" day at school. I remember learning to "divide" in math because the day when I started 4th grade (the year in my school system where we would learn to divide) we were given a math test and a new girl from another school system was sitting next to me and we were horrified that there were multiplication (just started in 3rd grade) and division problems and she did not know how to multiply and I did not know how to divide and we taught each other in about 2 minutes before the test Think of the detail you remember from when you worked on a problem or made a mistake and want to remember the mistake so you don't make it again (buying a bad car from "a guy"). That's a little bit why it is good that they give fines/tickets for DUI, so you "remember" and don't do it again.

So, sort out the stress that "helps" you and reframe the mistakes so you learn/remember something positive from them and make a few lists on current problems you want to address and make some plans on how to address them?

[unaluna]

I am usually awed by Perna's brilliance, but I think she may have missed the boat on this one? I recognized myself in your life story, not to those extremes in some areas (i'm an excellent driver, as Rainman said!), but to much worse extremes in other areas (too ashamed to even admit). How brilliant a little girl were you to do the grocery shopping math in your head?! I have had to work SO HARD to combat my self-sabotage. I became afraid to move because I knew anything I did would have unforeseen dire consequences. Not. exaggerating. It seems trite or something to say, well, your parents obviously didn't encourage you, or recognize your accomplishments. Duh, huh? And it doesn't sound like you had that "one special adult" in your life who made all the difference, Hallmark moment, NOT! 30 is still WAY young enough to pull it together. You do have tremendous insight into what is going on, more than many of my T's ever did (or that they were able to share with me!). I think you need to heal this past, to learn calm, to put the word deserve (good things) in your vocabulary - that is what I am doing with my current T, learning joy, getting reparented, learning I am not a burden, a bundle of anxiety. I am very hopeful for you.

hi jewelz- I thought for years that I was self-sabotaging. I also had risky behaviors and overspending along with constant anxiety and was recently dx at 51 with bipolar II. Any chance that could apply to you?

[crazy8s]

No, I am the same way.

But I have slowly been improving. I feel like I'm still learning how to do things I loathe though.

I think for most people, who are normal. Facing what you don't like isn't that bad, because for them things are kept in check and never really spiral out of control... But as you get older, what you have to face gets more intense.

If you let yourself SLIDE that can be really bad, have a bad influence on your expectations for yourself. And then if you just keep sliding... over and over again. You feel out of control of what you' re doing. Hell you've never really done anything else before.

All I'm saying is doing things differently is a learning experience. Its a climb up a mountain, that isn't comfortable. But ever little step makes a difference.

It takes a lot of self-discipline to keep doing things you dont like. But thats what self-discipline is. Its just when you have suffered a lot as a child, you nver had the opportunity to see equilibrium in your life!!

Its never been a gift you got to indulge in. so you've constantly felt pushed around and bombarded with stress factors. And because you don't sync up with what the rest of the world considers "normal" this makes it even harder to forgive yourself.

Well I am just saying, don't worry, you aren't addicted to anything. Just not used to feeling balanced. Well thats not your fault. Your childhood was rough and didn't allow that to happen for you.

IT ****ing sucks, but don't worry you aren't addicted.

All human's brains are adaptable and can learn new things. Don't let people tell you, you are what you are because of your genes or because you've always done it. School obviously can't be anyone's priority when they already have things stressing them at home.

Say screw the world and do things at your own pace. Always forgive yourself and aim for a little better. You are obligated to do things at your own pace. Just as long as you keep your goals in mind