Going into the hospital

I have realized that I have been going down hill for over a month now. I know the reason is that my Mother died exactly 1 year ago & for some reason, I just don't feel strong enough to get through this time by myself. For some reason, even my horses aren't able to calm me down enough.

I feel so stupid because by now, I should know all the relaxation techniques, along with all the "buzz" words that are supposed to get me into the place where I can get back into control. I hate the feeling of being so out of control. I wish I could just put on a blindfold & that could blank out all those visions that just won't go away.

I feel much better in the medical part of the hospital, but being that my pdoc is the one that is direct admitting me, I don't have any other options. I haven't been in a psych part of any hospital for over 7 years & know that the fear of going back to that environment isn't doing anything for me either.

I have no idea how long I will be there, & don't think I can smuggle my laptop in even though I have several letters I need to put together regarding my Mother. I got a letter late last year from her high school reunion group & feel that I owe them a letter of explaination that will let them know all that. I also have a letter to send to my good friend that is living in Jackson Hole Wyo. I haven't seen him for several years & he has been one of my best friends.

For some reason, I have a fear of being in any psych hospital & just can't get that fear out of my head even if I know it is the best thing.

I am feeling so horrible that even the hospital is sounding like

Hey, Debbie--

It will be OK...take books! And you don't owe anyone anything right now except to get better!

DJ

sorry to hear you are suffering, my thoughts are with you,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much right now. Personally, I think if you are that low that no skill is gonna help as much as you need it to. Maybe just a tiny bit, but I can be such a pessimist at times.

I'll be thinking of you.

((((((((((Eskielover)))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's going to be OK, Hun! I promise! Oh! And don't forget! You promised to smuggle in your cell phone, ok? Call me anytime you need to!

Love you, Sweety!

Debbie, you are courageous and loving and obviously have a will to take steps that will make your life better....If everyone (that should) did what you are now doing, this site might not exist!

Lots of Love, grace

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sorry to hear that you are needing to go to the hospital and yet I lift my hands to you in praise for being strong enough to follow thru with what needs to be... wish I was as strong.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Falling fast and no one is the wiser...

i'm going to bring you sour cream cookies and tea......take care of yourself. love, pat

((((((((((((((((((( Deb )))))))))))))))))

You are going through a natural reaction. Knowing all those techniques sometimes isn't enough. Go get the help you need. Take some books and some paper to write on. Sometimes writing your thoughts in long hand is very helpful.

Davey is right, you owe no one nothing at all right now. Take care of yourself first.

We all love you. Write when you get back.

Love and hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((eskielover)))))))))))))))

wishing you well and safe during this time. I'm sorry for your loss.

KD

((((((((((((eskielover))))))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad but am very glad you have the courage to do what is best for you.

Hang tough girl, take care.

Feel better. ))) ) ))eskielover ((( ( ((

wishing you well during this really rough time.

{{{{{eskielover}}}}}

I used to work for Hospice as a grief counselor. Average grief period is approximately 3 years - the sharp pain in your gut lessens as time goes on and the grieving takes a different form. My point being that this is the first year since your Mother's death. ANYONE in this situation, especially on the first year anniversary, would be grieving. And that's people that have families, etc. and not dealing with any illness!

Therefore, you are VERY courageous!

I'm praying for a good experience in this hospital with no fear.

Look forward to your return!

(((((((((( eskie )))))))))))

it is so scary going into hospital. I hope you find it's beneficial for you.

Get better!! Your horses will be waiting for you with their soft old noses. I wish you the best!! Carol

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Eskie))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The hospital experience started off pretty good until the second day. There was a social worker that wanted to ask me some questions about what I am going through. The bigest issue I have is all the flashbacks & visions of what I saw when I caught the RN stealing my Mothers ID & then after the RN had OD'ed my Mother on the Morphine, all I can see are the visions of my Mother suffering while the cancer continued to spread without any support from anyone in the hospital to help me get through what I was seeing of even helping me with understanding what was going on.

When I tried to say something about the RN, the social worker said that it was only hearsay & she didn't want to hear anything about it. She asked the same questions that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was feeling of going through & I refused to answer the same question over & over again. I told her that my answer was going to be the same no matter how often she asked the question & I refused to answer the question any more. She was a total ***** & I got so mad at her I refused to talk to her any more. She asked the stupid question if I was mad at her. I told her that I had no intention on being harassed & she was doing exactly what the police were doing to me when they wouldn't let me tell them what I had been going through.

The anger was building up so much that I couldn't takd it any more. It took me until the next day to get all my thoughts together & realize that I couldn't stay in a place where I wasn't able to get help for what was really bothering me. I told them I was going to leave & their comment was that they had to talk to my pdoc first. I really didn't give a damn what his answer was;. He said that he wanted me there for a couple more days & I told the staff that there was no way that was going to happen & I decided to go AMA.,

I did call my pdoc up & explained what when on & how unprofessional that social worked was. He defended her, but understood how I felt. I had my appointment with my psychologist on Sunday afternoon & he suggested going to an outpatient program at another hospital. I called the director up today & told her what I had gone through & she sounded very kind & had nothing nice to say about the way the other social worker acted. I was so upset at the time I left the hospital, I was a total mess. I couldn't stop shaking & was so sick to my stomach I couldn't make it home without getting sick.

Anyway, I am going to go to the outpatient treatment later this morning......about 9:30am. I trust my psychologist & am sure that this suggestion will be much better than this last experience. It can't be worse at all.....nothing can be worse than that experience.

I will never cooperate with people who treat me like that. I do have a problem with the way I was brought up in that I always had to respect people even with they didn't deserve it. There are times when I wish I could just let go of the way I was taught to treat people who don't deserve respect. I don't know why it is so hard to be nasty to people who are rude to me & I know they deserve to be treated without respect. For some reason, I observed this social worker treating everyone she interfaced with completely rude. My pdoc said she was a good social worked, but if that is his opinion, I am now questioning his opinions now too.

I am hoping that this outpatient treatment will be good. I am in need of help so bad. All I can do is cry. Even when I am out with my horses, I stay away from the people & all I can do is give my horses love & hugs. I just can't stop the crying & giving my horses hugs & getting kisses from them seems to help some, but I feel so messed up right now I just want to stay away from everyone. I don't want anyone to know how bad I am feeling & try to hide myself from everyone. I had really hoped that this time, the hospital would help, but for some reason, everytime I go into there, I feel like I am in prison & that brings back the feelings of when the police were trying to accuse me of abusing my Mother last year.

I am so tired of everything bringing back all those feelings from last year. I need relief & I don't need a stupid social worker making it worse when I needed help to make me better.

I am going to try I find out how I can file a complaint against her. I feel that she made my life feel so horrible that the hospital needs to know how horrible she treats the patients. I am sure it won't make any difference, but it will make me feel better to at least voice my experience about how she hurt me without even knowing what was going on with me before she said anything. I am sure that they will tell me that it is my fault for allowing myself to react to her the way I did, but I also feel that a social worker should be sensitive enough to understand that triggers can hurt patients & they need to know more about the patient than just saying things without knowing the person first.

I am realizing that I am having more anger feelings than I ever had before in my life. Some of it is because of all the feelings I am experiencing toward the RN, other is because of the feelings I have toward my husband. I am really having problems realizing how much hate I can have inside of me & it scares me knowing how the hate is effecting me. I am praying that once I am out of my home life & am around the things that I totally love that I will be able to feel so better. The hate feeling is very destructive & am scared that the longer I am feeling it, the more it will become a feeling that I won't be able to get rid of. All I know is that the feelings of hate are horrible & I want it to all go away.

I remember when my pdoc wanted me into the pysh hospital last year when I was having the anorexia problem along with the horrible stress. His feeling was that i needed both psych help & medical help, but when I walked into the hospital, I turned & walked out. I had the feeling of being in prison & after being harrassed by the police about abusing my Mother. I just can't handle the feelings that the mental hospital causes...& from now on, I will never agree to any suggestions for going to a psych hospital. Too many times I have had the same feelings & know that it just doesn't work for me.

I hope that anyone else who has the need for entering a psych hospital has much better experieices than I have had.

Debbie