I'm so lonely

I am so lonely today. I stayed in bed most of the day. Didn't feel like myself much. I chased everyone away. It's my fault. I got my meds a little later then usual, so I don't know if that's why.

I tried to entertain myself. Made spinach dip and cheesecake brownies. But it didn't work. Cleaned some. Still didn't work. Got a hot bath. But even if I'm around people, I still feel so lonely. I could be in a huge crowd and still feel lonely.

Nobody gets it. Nobody understands. I was in the ER all day tuesday because of a cyst of my ovary. I missed therapy with this new therapist. But I don't like her enough to reschedule. I know she's waiting for me to call and reschedule, but I don't want to. I hope she just forgets we ever met.

I'm so lonely, but I don't want to be around anyone. It makes no sense at all. I guess because even when I am around people, the feeling doesn't go away.

I see them do things, things I wish I could do. Normal stuff. And it makes me hate myself more.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lonely. It is a feeling I can truly identify with.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I get it as I'm lonely too. You can feel lonely with others as much as being on your own as loneliness is a feeling whereas aloneness is a state of being. They are very separate. I hope the feeling eases for you soon, it's so hard.

Lydia,you feel lonely in the midst of people because
1)you dont take interest in what is going on
2)you dont confide in anyone
3)you dont trust people enough to lower your guard
4)try to be the friend to others which you want them to b for you

by all this i dont want to be judgmental but i want you to consider why things are this way so that you can mend matters
All the best to you

That's assuming a lot from a few small paragraphs. I'm not being defensive here. Or I'm trying not to be. Because saying "you" usually makes people defensive, and I'm trying to change the wording around in my head.

But anyway. I do take interest in what's going on. I used a million and one coping skills yesterday. I just don't like my current therapist. She's judgmental and cruel.

When I said "I pushed everyone away". I mean my schizophrenia scared them away and they stopped being friends with me. It's my fault, because I have the schizophrenia.

Someone told me that schizophrenia is the most lonely illness out there. And I think they're right. I don't work on the same playing field as everyone else, and it's very lonely. I only relate to other schizophrenics, but even if I find other schizophrenics some of them are so consumed by their delusions, they can't interact with me. (high functioning versus low functioning).

You're right that I don't trust people. I have high amounts of paranoia on a constant basis. I am working on trying to be more honest and trusting people. It takes a lot of work though. It's hard to trust that people don't have ulterior motives in mind when interacting with me.

I am sorry Lydia if i hurt your feelings....my intention was to arrive at the reason for your loneliness so that corrective action could be taken....loneliness takes out all the joy from living...but i see you have many hobbies to occupy you---aren't they too like friends to you ?difficult though it is;still keeping busy will give you satisfaction & less time to brood.Take care & be hopeful....these days too will pass.

I'm sorry for your lonely feelings LydiaB. I can certainly relate to feelings of loneliness. I isolate; and, I've barely left my room in years except to do those things that are absolutely necessary. I had essentially blocked the world out. Needless to say, because I've isolated for so long, I have no friends. I went out with a childhood friend unexpectedly in April which through me into an episode of severe mania that lasted for months -I think because I came to the realization of just how lonely I was. I had no clue that I was lonely. It's been really tough but it forced me to seek help. I'm currently participating in group and individual therapy which is getting me out of my room to meet new people. This seems to be helping my feelings of loneliness some. I hope you can find an activity that will help you shake your lonely feelings. Hugs!

Amity- It's okay, like I said I was trying to word it differently in my head so I didn't take offense to it. I know that me, being the queen of miscommunication. I try not to take ANYONE at face value anymore. It's upsetting when people do that to me, and I didn't "mean" what they're thinking, so I try really hard not to do it to others. But yes my activities become like friends. They really do. I love animals so as soon as I possibly could I made sure I got a dog. She keeps me busy a lot and is honestly my best friend. I don't think I could survive without her. Especially in the really paranoid times when I am afraid of the world. She makes it feel even just slightly safer. I trust her of anyone to protect me. (she's a doberman)

Chiva- I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with isolating. I hate the realization that you're lonely. I didn't realize it either for the longest time and then one day I'm just like "I am so lonely. I have no one".

cheesecake brownies! yummy! sounds delicious lol its ok to feel that way sometimes i feel that way from time to time. when i do i hate the feeling. i hope u feel better and try finding a new T since u didnt like ur new one. have patience and enjoy life. tomorrow is never guaranteed. god bless xoxoxo