Dont deserve anything right now

i only slept two hours. I can't get to sleep now. I'm thinking too much & keep remembering the car crash last night. Like i close my eyes i see out of the fog the yellow sign & boom. I don't want to drive anymore. I'm scared. On top of it i haven't ate today anything. When i layed in bed with my boyfriend i can't sleep. I cried he held me. I feel like i don't deserve anything right now, food sleep driving happy advice from old buds. Last night i'm glad my boyfriend was around cuz i kept thinking i need to punish me for this even though i'll get enough punishment from the state. I plowed down a sign. I'm so thankful no one was around. I am & i dwelled on that already, would be in jail or the hospital if another car was around. Thank god just a sign and field.can't imagine of the horrid of hurting another like that. I'm gettin non owners insurance for sure. I am looking for winter driving classes as well. Not only cuz it'll look good in court but most importantly for safety for others and my self. I feel so stupid right now still. Earlier when thinking on what sign this was i laughed (need to make a decision not go in the middle cuz that wont work) but i still feel bad with it over all. Go through spouts of feeling nothing like i'm not here. Then through spouts that it'll be ok just car fixing court & 2 items i mentioned already. Then i remembered the last october months since '06 always oct or one in nov- bad stuff and i'm depressed. Bad stuff to which i don't control or i lost it. I started to think my boyfriend's better off with out me- i'm seeing my pattern in away not it fully but every fall really something bad happens or i lose it? fml! He pulled me closer to him when i tried to leave sleep time the last time cuz he knows i'm upset but need sleep. I just can't. And i thought why does he love me. 3 of the 6 october years he's experienced the bad with me. i don't get it. I think he'd be better off everyone better off with out me here. I seem to be a god damn plague. I hate this aspect & think it's just me.

oh no =( sleep and food are so important. Is there any way you can force yourself to eat something, or to drink a bit of juice? Sometimes that can go a long ways.

to me it sounds like your just going through a rought spot. doesn't mean your bf would be better of without you - how about the companionship you provide, someone there.. I'm sure there are good things about your relationship and he would be really sad if you weren't there.

I don't know exactly what happened with the sign, but i'm glad it was just a sign and everyONE was ok. And that means you have a chance to make sure it doesn't happen wtih someONE... everyone wins right?

Turquoisesea - thank you. Actually like not too long i posted that my boyfriend came lookin for me. I told him all that i put here maybe in hours but still. He told me it's ok. He made me eat later. He asked i explain my last few years- he says i'm not a plague. Your right he appreciates other things about me besides my faults. I still feel like a plague a little bit but today is a new day- i will try better and try to keep my head up. October is almost over Yay lol. I tried so hard this year not to get depressed and in ways i wasn't as bad but still bad stuff happened like always- i don't even try to remember ever year the past but the other day i was Omg every october seems to be bad. It's my birth month too so i put more on it like it's me. I wish things wouldn't happen so but everyone is ok. I'm thankful the accident wasn't as bad as it could had been. Just a road sign damaged with the car. And seeing how i just kept straight it may just be body damage. I'm still looking into classes thou. No doubt this has scared me. I'm going to try to learn from it. Your right- have a chance to make things better.