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#1
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i only slept two hours. I can't get to sleep now. I'm thinking too much & keep remembering the car crash last night. Like i close my eyes i see out of the fog the yellow sign & boom. I don't want to drive anymore. I'm scared. On top of it i haven't ate today anything. When i layed in bed with my boyfriend i can't sleep. I cried he held me. I feel like i don't deserve anything right now, food sleep driving happy advice from old buds. Last night i'm glad my boyfriend was around cuz i kept thinking i need to punish me for this even though i'll get enough punishment from the state. I plowed down a sign. I'm so thankful no one was around. I am & i dwelled on that already, would be in jail or the hospital if another car was around. Thank god just a sign and field.can't imagine of the horrid of hurting another like that. I'm gettin non owners insurance for sure. I am looking for winter driving classes as well. Not only cuz it'll look good in court but most importantly for safety for others and my self. I feel so stupid right now still. Earlier when thinking on what sign this was i laughed (need to make a decision not go in the middle cuz that wont work) but i still feel bad with it over all. Go through spouts of feeling nothing like i'm not here. Then through spouts that it'll be ok just car fixing court & 2 items i mentioned already. Then i remembered the last october months since '06 always oct or one in nov- bad stuff and i'm depressed. Bad stuff to which i don't control or i lost it. I started to think my boyfriend's better off with out me- i'm seeing my pattern in away not it fully but every fall really something bad happens or i lose it? fml! He pulled me closer to him when i tried to leave sleep time the last time cuz he knows i'm upset but need sleep. I just can't. And i thought why does he love me. 3 of the 6 october years he's experienced the bad with me.
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#2
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oh no =( sleep and food are so important. Is there any way you can force yourself to eat something, or to drink a bit of juice? Sometimes that can go a long ways.
to me it sounds like your just going through a rought spot. doesn't mean your bf would be better of without you - how about the companionship you provide, someone there.. I'm sure there are good things about your relationship and he would be really sad if you weren't there. I don't know exactly what happened with the sign, but i'm glad it was just a sign and everyONE was ok. And that means you have a chance to make sure it doesn't happen wtih someONE... everyone wins right? ![]()
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![]() Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
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#3
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Turquoisesea - thank you. Actually like not too long i posted that my boyfriend came lookin for me. I told him all that i put here maybe in hours but still. He told me it's ok. He made me eat later. He asked i explain my last few years- he says i'm not a plague. Your right he appreciates other things about me besides my faults. I still feel like a plague a little bit but today is a new day- i will try better and try to keep my head up. October is almost over
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