[Greenleaves]

Sigh, I just wish admin guy would write back to me. I don't think he ever will again, not even for admin stuff. I think I've really screwed things up with admin guy. He probably doesn't like me very much. I wonder if he reads my e-mails to him? I don't write long e-mails, so they wouldn't take very long to read.

I miss the admin guy. I like him reading my posts, even if it's just to check for incivilities. I wish admin guy would send me a reply...I wish I wish. Why won't admin guy send me a reply?

[Greenleaves]

I keep thinking the worse and this always ends up making me feel bad. So....on the suggestions of some good friends here, I'm going to challenge my thinking.

Thought 1:
"I don't think he will ever write back to me, not even for admin stuff"

In the past he has written back to me regarding admin things, even after my "blowups".

Thought 2:
"I think I've really screwed things up with admin guy."

I've thought this thought before, and I've done the things I've done this past week before and admin guy has ever held these things against me. In fact, admin guy even write me a message saying that he "doesn't not like me".

Thought 3
See above explanation

As for why admin guy won't send me a reply??

There can be many reasons and him not liking me is not one of them (as evidenced by the messaged he wrote to me).

.1 Admin guy is a very busy guy. He probably hasn't had time to read my e-mails yet.

2. Most of my e-mails were not admin related and admin guy only handles administrative issues. Admin guy cannot make friends with us posters. Admin guy can't respond to my e-mails if they are not admin related.

3. Admin guys has been having e-mail troubles.

Now, as for why in the heck getting Admin guy's attention is so important to me...

I think I see things in admin guy that aren't there because of his lack of interaction with us posters. I tend to project my feelings often. I need to realize that any relationship I have with admin guy is only in my mind. The real admin guy is probably not at all the admin guy I have in my mind. Admin guy has been extraordinary tolerant of me and my unusual behaviours, but he must be reaching his breaking point, so I really should stop bothering admin guy with non administrative issues.

Another though:
Admin guy is going to have me arrested for cyberstalking

Admin guy has never given me any evidence that he thinks my e-mails are harassing him. Admin guy is still willing to meet me IRL so he must not be afraid of me. The e-mails I've sent do not threaten admin guy in any way. I've send e-mails to admin guy in the past and he did not have the police arrest me.

That being said...I really should stop sending threats of self harm to admin guy. Admin guy probably doesn't know what to do with those e-mails. They probably upset admin guy. If admin guy thinks I'm actually going to carry out my threats, there is a good chance that admin guy will send the police after me.

[jmo531]

Green,

What type of reply are you expecting? or what type of reply would you like to receive from him?

[mlyn]

Wish you may wish you might but wishing will not make it be. How long and how much will you try to make it work? How much more will you do?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I wish FOR YOUR SAKE that he would report your ISP to the cops as he did with another poster from there long ago..I think she was in CND too and you would then be FORCED to get the help you need...and your parents would know what all is going on so someone IRL would be there to make sure you get the care you need...That guy IF he wanted to be buds with you would have said something by now. He is being a nice T and not reacting either way...some day he may report you ..I do not think your cyber friends are doing you any favors by telling you the same things they have here back in Nov AND for over a year...the same things you must know by now ...I wish he would report you so you would get help solid professional help from a T who is licensed to do this work...a PDOC every 3 weeks is obviously not enough or this would not be an issue for such a long time...

I also think posting to others JUST to get yourself some support as someone else suggested will not get you far I think people can sense that kind of posting...Post to people you GENUINELY CARE about that will get you support

Oh and I want to add that person the admin guy reported in the end DID get a lot of help and is doing SO much better..thats what I wish for you

[Greenleaves]

I'm holding myself accountable Sleeps...

Here is the last e-mail I sent to admin guy...

(Admin guy),

I'm going to stop harassing you now and I'm going to stop making threats of
suicide and self harm both to you and on the site.

To hold myself accountable I'm going to give you my address. Now I risk
being arrested by the police if I continue to harass you or make threats.
You can give this information to all the deputies as well. I need to hold
myself accountable for my actions. I do not want to be arrested by the
police.

(full name)
(full address)

Phone number:
Ontario Provincial Police:
Ottawa Police Department:

My worse fear is to be arrested by the police. Now I *must* stop harassing
you and making threats or risk jail time.

I have to stop my behaviours now. I'm forcing myself to stop.

[Greenleaves]

I'm really scared now...terrified. Now admin guy has my info. What will he think? Is he going to use it against me?

I'm scared.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Green this is the BEST thing you have done..well OK that I know of ..GOOD FOR YOU.....BE proud..and try not to be too scared...to be honest he could have nailed that info before you sent it but that you did it is very good and some fear is smart it keeps people from doing bad things...I do not steal for fear of being caught..also cause its bad but often cause I dont wanna be caught..so good for YOU

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
I'm holding myself accountable Sleeps...

Here is the last e-mail I sent to admin guy...

(Admin guy),

I'm going to stop harassing you now and I'm going to stop making threats of
suicide and self harm both to you and on the site.

To hold myself accountable I'm going to give you my address. Now I risk
being arrested by the police if I continue to harass you or make threats.
You can give this information to all the deputies as well. I need to hold
myself accountable for my actions. I do not want to be arrested by the
police.

(full name)
(full address)

Phone number:
Ontario Provincial Police:
Ottawa Police Department:

My worse fear is to be arrested by the police. Now I *must* stop harassing
you and making threats or risk jail time.

I have to stop my behaviours now. I'm forcing myself to stop.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Greenleaves]

That was weird...I e-mailed that e-mail before reading your post about contacting ISPs.

Like some kind of telepathy.

Still scared...dunno if it's the 2 cups of coffee I drank or what I did.

I don't know if admin guy is going to acknowledge receiving that e-mail...he doesn't reply to any of my e-mails. Maybe he doesn't even read them...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I do not know if he will read it or not but I bet he will and even if he doesn't you can be proud of *you* that's really what most important..and as you are going on that trip he would have info anyhow..minus the isp deal too..I would now maybe focus on the trip and other issues you have Green he will not reply....its not you he just wont but thats kinda good cause now you can know you did it just to move forward..Good Luck on this

[Greenleaves]

Yeah, maybe it's for the best...

I have to move on...get over admin guy already!

Focus on schoolwork...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Green you're young....school, make IRL buds.....dates....so much ahead of you, move out get a dog or cat ...I know you too have emotional issues but a life thats IRL is better than the net...I know it may be hard I do know that but its real and better than admin guy

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I also think posting to others JUST to get yourself some support as someone else suggested will not get you far I think people can sense that kind of posting...Post to people you GENUINELY CARE about that will get you support

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm not posting to others just to get support. I don't expect any of them to post back to me at all. I really don't, I swear. I never fake my support. I'm not going to say that I love a person if I don't. I might say that I hope they will be OK because I *do* hope they will be OK. I won't say that I know what they are going through if I don't.

I'm posting a lot to others now because I realized that I've been selfish...posting only to my own threads. I get that way sometimes, selfish. But just because I get selfish doesn't mean that the support I give out is fake.

You should chat with me in chat sometime Sleeps...I'm much better at interacting in chat than on the message boards. I think you'll find me very supportive.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Green you need to re-read what you quoted by me you misunderstood it

As to chat..I never go in because my java is off or I need to download something I think it is java.....and I don't wanna dl it...so I am never in chat.

[Greenleaves]

Hi Sleeps,

I did re-read the quote. I think what I meant to say was that I *do* genuinely care when I post. I really have no expectations that the person will reply to me when I post. I just want them to read my reply and feel a little bit better. I'm not saying that there is not an element of selfishness here...when I decide to post to others, I also do it because I want to make my bad feelings go away...posting to others occupies my mind for a while and distracts me away from my bad feelings. I also post because I want people to have a more favourable impression of me. I worry that some people might not like me very much.