Exasperated

My son's constant back-chatting is driving me up the wall! He has a clever or sarcastic answer for everything. I don't condone the behaviour but that doesn't stop him.

He also asks me a question and as I begin to answer he says "no ...." and then rambles onto what he think is the answer to what he asked. I told him that I will not answer any more questions until he can give me enough respect to finish a sentence.

I love him but I'm in a semi-constant bad mood because of him. It is exhausting me.

Just whining!

Awww.

How old is your son?

I don't blame you for being in a bad mood, it really must be exhausting. *hug*

One very intelligent and smart-mouthed 8 year old!!

Yikes!!

Only 8? *mind boggling*

I've worked with that age in a school setting, definetely not easy. Especially the boys.

Have you tried any positive reinforcement techniques to deal with him?

He is ADHD but I don't feel that has anything to do with his general lack of respect for me. Positive reinforcement techniques tended to make him think he could do what he liked when he liked and that it was ok - as I said - I am exasperated!

Sabrina -

Whine any time. I think whining is therapeutic.

I agree with Canders -- only 8?

Does he have some way-off-the-charts IQ? Even so, he needs to learn respect and some manners.

How about just becoming silent, when he starts to talk while you are still talking? I can empathize with difficult children, but don't have the expertise on the best ways to handle them.

Will the verteran mothers, please step forward.

Hugs,

EJ

*sigh*

ADHD child who's 8... I respect you a lot for the amount of patience it must require to deal with him.

I remember reading a book about how to deal with children with behavioural issues (which encompasses ADD/ADHD a bit). If I can remember the book (I'll try really hard!) I'll send you the title.

Books aren't always useful but it could help.

What about using negative reinforcement?

Thanks Christina. I have done so much research into how to deal with him and how to cope myself. Any more info is always useful.

Negative reinforcement causes him to act up even more, especially at school. Lately I have just been withdrawing myself from him. And I don't know if that is a good thing either.

Just a little while ago he asked for help trying to play a cd. When I tried to help he snatched it out of my hand saying he had already done that. He didn't even know what I was going to do yet!!! So I left him to his own devices. Told him to help himself.

My husband is losing patience with him because of the way he talks back to me and the tone of voice he uses. I fear (actually I know) I am losing patience too.

Sorry - didn't mean to ramble on - just frustrated.

Thanks for your support

You're allowed to be frustrated, it can't be at all easy.

The only thing (and I know it sounds corny) is to hope that its only a phase and that he will eventually grow out of it (Well, not out of ADHD!).

(If I might ask) is he on medication for the ADHD?

Hi EJ

I posted a reply to Canders before reading this and you will notice that I said I have begun withdrawing myself. By that I probably meant that I have just gone silent. It starts a barrage of "moommmmyyyy" but I try to ignore it. TRY!!

And yes!! He does have a very high IQ - I had him fully assessed and tested in October last year and the psychologist found him to have the intelligence of a 10 year old. Emotionally he is suffering because of it. And intellectually he is suffering as much because he just can't process his thoughts properly.

I went off the topic - guess I just need to talk!

Thanks again!

Thanks Canders - no it does not sound corny - I hope with all my heart that he will outgrow this.

Yes, he is on medication (Ritalin) but only for school. He is quite fine at home in terms of being able to concentrate on something that he has chosen to do and not been told to do.

There are, of course, many, many endearing qualities to this child. I am focusing on those right now to retain my temper!

Thanks again for your support - I appreciate it!

I know your exhaustion. My son is very similiar. It seems he must always have the last word in every discussion where he is getting "no" message from me. I found the book "the explosive child" by Ross Green to be very very helpful.

Ross Green's approach to explaining and more importantly coming up with strategies to help were a very big help for us.

One important lesson I learned is that when a person/child is in the moment of breaking down ... it is already too late to reach that person because their mental/emotional IQ has already dropped 30 plus points. You might as well be yelling at the wall. So, the trick is to get to them BEFORE hand. which is a trick. For my son, he struggles to recognize that he must relate differently to his parents than with teacher than with kids his age then with strangers .. ect. That is what Dr. Mel Levine (another great author) explains as code switching. Some kids don't know how to code switch and so they behave as if they do not understand the authority or pecking order for kids.

For me, I take moments of calm and talk to my son. I say something like, you know... when a child your age starts coming up with reasons why they should be able to eat the entire bag of cookies after being told no ... It is not OK. It is not expected for a child your age to keep coming up with logical reasons as if the child had the same level of power as the adult. And so, no matter how much you might think that your logic will be appreciated and wanted .. it is not. You should simply reply "ok mom". And then when the moment comes and my son is being told NO.. and he starts up .. I calmly prompt him .. just say OK Mom. And that seems to put a bit of cool water on the heater enough so that we can talk about it more calmly.

During moments of calm I also talk to my son about the fact that sometimes you can't discuss a disagreement in the moment and that it might have to wait until later. And so when the moment arrives and he is being told NO, and if that moment means that we are not in a position to discuss.. I tell him that also. I say, just say OK Mom. And I say, there isn't time to discuss right now, how about we talk this evening before bed. And then, of course, make sure you keep that before bed time to discuss.

The explosive child (ross green) and A Mind at a time (mel levine) were very helpful for us to take the emotional sting and turmoil out of dealing with my son when he gets the NO reply.

Hang in there, it is not fun but can turn out ok. My son is now 11 and he is doing great. We started working with him when he was 4 years old and it has a rollar coaster ride at times but always going in the right direction. So I can tell you that smart mouthed, very high IQ little boys can be coaxed into civial behavior so that they can grow to young men who will make their way in the world successfully. I didn't think this about my son during the early years. I was sure that he would end up in jail or permanent detention from his constant talk back and explosive behavior after not getting his way.

So hang in there and keep looking for what works for your family. Don't give up. Don't pull away from your son - he needs you. And he is not happy either right now, he just doesn't know why and doesn't know what to do. He has all the intelligence but not the wisdom/know how to navigate the world. But you can help him get there.

Sorry this is so long. Just wanted to encourage you to keep looking for solutions because your son is only 8 years old - there is still lots of time to make a difference for him.

Good luck

Oh, do I empathize with you! ARGH Here are some ideas for you...

1. Whenever he asks you a question, ask him what HE thinks and when he starts to tell you, tell HIM "No..."

2. When he starts telling you what he thinks the answer should be, ask him "If you already know the answer, why did you ask me?"

3. Or... "You know, Son, it's really bad manners and a total lack of respect for me for you to do what you're doing. It upsets me very much and I'm just going to walk away when you start." Then follow up.

4. Just say "SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!!!" Nah... just kidding, but I sure would be tempted!

Sabrina, I have a 27 yr old that never learned the meaning of respect for ME because of "positive reinforcement." Do what you can to teach that boy some respect, ok? You've still got time.

I am so very grateful for the empathy and I understanding I have received here.

Peanuts - I am printing out your post to study again -and I might just get those books. I KNEW and agreed with all that you said but because of my frustration and anger - was not able to see it like this anymore. I am going to leave for the rest of today and start fresh tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your wonderful insight. Sometimes I think I must be the only mom to have such a cheeky child so it is really good to know that I am not the only one going through this.

Tired as I am - I won't give up. I CAN'T give up! He is my son and I love him!

My eldest child was quite argumentative. Couldn't take no for an answer. The only thing that really worked for me was to call a time out. I simply refused to talk about the issue until she was ready to talk calmly. Of course, this is easier said than done. There were many times I found myself in the ridiculous position of arguing with a child!

Thank you for this praxis. I am nodding my head like mad! My husband keeps telling me I should not argue with him and I keep saying that I am not only to realize that I have actually allowed myself to be lured into the argument.

As you said - all is easier said than done.

Soldier on - is all I can do!

I know this subject as well. Not easy to handle!
PM me about it if you like.
My son, 7 years old has got an intelligent mind as well. But he also has got aspergers syndrom, so his behavior is pretty hard to take. I mean I'm proud of him knowing so much, but his behavior puts a cloud over it.
His teatcher says he's reading and writing better than those in third grade. I try to think about the good things about him, but it's not easy when he's having these outburstes.

Sabrina0805, let us fight this together! All of you others who are experiencing the same thing, please... talk , and we can support each other.

((((((((((((((((((Sabrina0805))))))))))))))

Thank you Nina - thank you very much!

My husband does that more and more, finishes my sentences before I get to, he inserts things I was NOT going to say.
I feel for you, cause I know how agitating/exasperating this is. I have told my husband repeatedly not to finish my sentences for me, and do not assume your inserted words is what I was going to say. We have gotten in arguments over his rudeness. We've been married for 28yrs and know each for 35yrs, going back to our teens, perhaps he is too comfortable.
I think we need to remind these guys, we can speak for ourselves, and will when we need to or want to.
My husband was never like this till he hit his 40's.
Nipping this with your son now, the sooner the better, may help prevent him from being obnoxious and rude in his future. I wish I had a solution, but I don't, I can relate to what you are saying, and empathize.
Take care and lots of luck with this,
DE

Thank you darkeyes. I am grateful you understand.