[bluMyst]

I should probably start this off by saying that I'm 17 and my dad died when I was 14 or 15 or so. I don't really remember him and I've never really grieved but I thought that if I brought it up later people would be upset.

Anyway, I have a strange sort of problem where I always try to avoid emotional pain, and it's usually by ignoring it or not acting on trying to stop it.

In May, I'll be 18 and I can either get a job or go to college. Just thinking about that is incredably painful for me and I haven't done anything helpful for either of those causes.

Both getting a job and going to college are equally terrible alternatives and I really don't want to choose at all. It's like if someone said that you can either stab yourself or drink acid. Just thinking about those long enough to choose is terrifying, so I choose the third option: Ignore it until it's too late.

This also affects extremely short-term and minor emotional pain. For example, I have math homework due tomorrow (it's 3:30am, so technically today) and I haven't even started on it. Instead, I'm trying to ignore it by writing this. It's not helping, though, because I just mentioned it there.

Anyway, it seems that I have two mechanisms for forcing myself to ignore things that I don't want to do. The first one is pretty simple, anytime I think of something that I don't want to do, the thought seems to go away by itself. If it doesn't go away by itself, that's usually because I feel enough guilt or fear about the consequences of not doing it that I can hold onto it until it's dealt with with the second mechanism.

The second mechanism is that I have a mental battle between the part of myself that feels bad about not doing it and the part of myself that wants to ignore it and just fail whatever it is. I already know which part is going to win, but I just go through the motions of fighting so I feel better about it. Sometimes I try to bypass this by doing it before the second mechanism can engage, but it always engages when I'm about to do it so it doesn't really help.

Recently, I've started to actually wish that I had a mental illness. I know that sounds strange, but it would actually solve a lot of problems that I have. I'd be hospitalized which means I won't have to worry about the college/job dilemma, and I'll be able to talk to a psychologist (or psychiatrist, I guess) who (presumably) actually cares about me and can help me with my problems.

I can't really ask my mom for help because I haven't really bonded with her and she just feels like an acquaintance to me. I also can't ask a counselor for help because they haven't really been able to help me in the past because I haven't told them the right things in the past. It's also hard to talk to counselors because I always have a lot of social anxiety that makes it hard to articulate what I'm trying to say. I'm not sure why in my fantasy they would be able to help, but I guess that's why it's a fantasy.

I'm really not even sure why I'm posting this here if I'm so sure that people can't help. I just feel emotionally compelled to do so. Even if you guys give me good, helpful answers, I don't think I'll use them. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I want to stay this way. If that's the case, and I think it is, I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time with this thread by making you read a giant wall of text. I'm going to post it anyway and I still don't know why. I don't think I can overcome my desire to not overcome whatever it is that I'm dealing with.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by bluMyst

Recently, I've started to actually wish that I had a mental illness. I know that sounds strange, but it would actually solve a lot of problems that I have. I'd be hospitalized which means I won't have to worry about the college/job dilemma, and I'll be able to talk to a psychologist (or psychiatrist, I guess) who (presumably) actually cares about me and can help me with my problems.

As my therapist use to say, "It's not like that." I identified with your post; I did the same thing (only I went to college as that was a no-brainer after 4 years of high school, just keep doing what I was doing) and it was when I was 20 and realized I had to go out into the world and have a "life", job/support self, etc. that I fell apart. So, I was in therapy from when I was 20 until when I was 55.

I recommend grabbing school (as the easiest at the moment :-) but also going to the school counseling center and seeing if you can talk to someone and figure out how to learn to engage instead of working so hard at disengaging. You can only disengage so far and it is much more freeing to be out of your head and into the wider world, more interesting stuff going on so you don't just have a choice between knifing yourself and drinking acid?

[bluMyst]

Originally Posted by Perna

I recommend grabbing school (as the easiest at the moment :-) but also going to the school counseling center and seeing if you can talk to someone and figure out how to learn to engage instead of working so hard at disengaging. You can only disengage so far and it is much more freeing to be out of your head and into the wider world, more interesting stuff going on so you don't just have a choice between knifing yourself and drinking acid

Thanks for the recommendation. I think I will end up doing that to some extent. There's a community college nearby that I've taken classes at before and I might take a few more and see if I do any better at them.

Sorry about the extreme moodiness of my first post but I don't think I would have posted it at all if I hadn't been in an extreme mood.

[IceCreamKid]

Unless you rarely saw your father, I don't believe you don't remember him. Neither college nor getting a job should be seen as painful experiences; it's high time you talked to your school counselor or school nurse and described briefly that you are at sea and have no support in becoming a fully-functioning adult. It's past time for you and your mother to become a team when it comes to getting you on the path to adulthood; if she is unwilling or unable to help you, then you need to seek other qualified adults to help you, and the school counselor, a favorite teacher, or school nurse or trusted adult should be enlisted to help you. I have seen the end result of your crippling fear (and that is what I believe it is) and it isn't pretty and whatever you are suffering now is nothing compared to being a person approaching old age and never having lived a whole life because of a life-time of bad choices. The way to overcome "whatever it is that I'm dealing with" is one step at a time. Start with your guidance counselor.

[tribal]

Hang in there BluMyst. I remember being daunted by jobs and study, but there can actually be fun parts of both! When I studied, after a while, there are so many people around that I eventually found some people I got on with really well, much better than at school, so that was a big bonus. And in the world of work, if you spend some time looking at your personality type and what you enjoy doing, and then try a few things, you may be able to worm your way into a job that you enjoy. There is a chinese saying somewhere, "If you do what you enjoy, you never have to work another day in your life". Good luck with it all!