[apple2345]

I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me or if there is something wrong with me, but let me try to explain as honestly as I can. I am a 22 year old male with a respectable job, many friends, and in general my living condition and money situation should not be causing any problems.

All of the time I feel apathetic as if the whole world is pointless. I don't find interest in anything except for women. This has been normal life for me for a while now. I can't even remember the last time i felt truly happy. But at the same time I don't feel sad either. I just feel tired. I find myself saying to myself that I can't wait until I can finally just rest.

I do not think of committing suicide because even though I feel nihilistic, others don't. I don't want to cause anyone any type of pain. And to a certain degree I don't want to be seen as weak.

Sometimes I have very high energy though and feel like being with people. I wouldn't consider it to the extreme as someone with mania, but i would say others think I am slightly eccentric. I have many friends and have been told that I am popular among everyone.

Sometimes I suspect that I may be putting on a false front with this elated state, but I don't even know. I am very inconsistent with my thoughts even in my own head. It's as if I am constantly changing my mind and changing who I am as I go. I have NO clear sense of my self whatsoever. I have no values that I seem to follow, although I can recognize "good" values in other people.

Other people tend to think of me as a good person, but in truth I feel like an asshole to people. I don't even know if this is some sort of defense mechanism (act like i'm an asshole so people stay away) or not because I am so detached from my emotions in general.

Sometimes I question my sanity. I usually determine that because I am not hearing voices or killing people that I must be sane, but I usually still wonder if I'm near the edge. Sometimes my thoughts race. Sometimes I will also feel an anxiety like something is about to go wrong, but I can never identify what the actual root of the problem is. The questioning of my sanity becomes more frequent with this anxiety, but is not an effect of it.

I cannot cry even if I try. lately I've been able to force tears from my eyes, but it doesn't have the same "feel better" effect I remember as a kid.

At the time I am writing this, I am feeling as though I am in "normal mode": I feel no sadness or happiness or anxiety and my mind is calm and I feel as though I am stable. I promise this is not attention seeking. I don't want anyone to comfort me. I just want to know if these symptoms fall into any category of mental disorder. I will answer questions if it will help.

Thank you.

hey, apple. you have a lot of questions and i think they are normal for someone your age.

i sense your life lacks passion. are you doing something for a living that you really enjoy or is it just a job? you have a passion for women but you don't seem to be dating anyone. why not? what are your life goals? what are you working towards? if you don't have goals, your life will lack purpose.

i think it's normal for men to have a hard time crying, even if they are sad. you seem to be a little out of touch with your emotions and feel nothing a lot of the time. what was your childhood like? were your parents warm and nuturing or cold?

i think you may have no clear sense of self because you have not done a lot with your life (yet). though it seems that some people automatically have this sense of self, it's also true that a lot of people do not. you have to go out and do things and meet people to have this sense - in some people it has to develop.

i hope these comments help. if necessary, you might consider seeing a therapist to help you with these isses.

[Leed]

Hi ~ When I was about your age ( MANY years ago ) I felt like that too, and it really bothered me. I felt numb to just about everything and no matter what I did, I couldn't get out of that phase.

Like you said, sometimes I had high energy, but yet other times I felt like a slug. I went to work, took care of the house, did all the wifely things, etc., but just didn't know how I felt about anything, what I wanted to do, nothing.

So -- I went into therapy. And BOY -- did THAT help! I sure found out a few things! I realized what I'd been doing to myself for YEARS!! I know my situation undoubtedly differs from yours, but I'd come from a very dysfunctional family growing up and due to that, I was severely depressed!! So therapy helped me immensely and i've been in and out of therapy most of my adult life and I feel like I'm a new person!

Perhaps therapy will help you too. I hope so. Try it -- it can't hurt.
Best of luck & take care. Hugs, Lee

[apple2345]

As far as counseling (which both of you have suggested), I think I might try that if I can't get a grasp on this. I appreciate that you read this and answered. Thank you both. I wanted to say that first just so that you didn't have to sift through the rest of this post before you saw it.

i sense your life lacks passion. are you doing something for a living that you really enjoy or is it just a job? you have a passion for women but you don't seem to be dating anyone. why not? what are your life goals? what are you working towards? if you don't have goals, your life will lack purpose.

i think it's normal for men to have a hard time crying, even if they are sad. you seem to be a little out of touch with your emotions and feel nothing a lot of the time. what was your childhood like? were your parents warm and nuturing or cold?

i think you may have no clear sense of self because you have not done a lot with your life (yet).

What I do for a living does just feel like a job to me. It's like autopilot. I used to enjoy it even when I was in a worse position though. The reason I am not dating is because I can't seem to find anyone who i actually care about. I definitely go looking and have had a few dates actually in the past month, but for me it seems as if I don't really feel anything for the poor girls. I recognize that the only reason I am interested in girls is to satisfy my sex drive. And i actually feel guilty when I let my sex drive get ahead of me and I take advantage. But sometimes it's just like autopilot and it feels like playing the field is the easiest thing to do.

I know I have goals. My next goal is to get me a new car. All I have to do is save up for two months and then get a small loan and I should be good to go. The problem is when I attain my goals I get no "feel good" out of it. Again, it feels like I'm just on autopilot. This happened upon my graduation from the school I recently attended, upon my promotion I got 3 months ago, and several times with monetary/fitness goals. It feels like I just do things because I should, almost as if whatever is keeping me going is an external source. I won't lie, I do not have a clear idea of what I actually want from life.

As for my childhood, my parents were sometimes very warm, and sometimes not so much. I had no personal space from my little brother and didn't get out much because I wasn't allowed to for reasons I still don't understand. This led to me to have few friends growing up and I didn't start making friends until high school.

Now I have many friends. Sort of. I am very popular where I am at and almost everyone knows my name. It wouldn't be hard for me to find something to do at any given moment. but especially lately I feel withdrawn from everyone and I have to put up a fake friendly front when I talk to people. in all actuality I feel annoyed by these people but I don't have the heart to tell them to get out of my face when at one point in time I actually cared what they had to say (which is why everyone seems to like me so well)

As far as not having done much with my life yet, I have to disagree. I've been all over the country, learned how to sail, studied in one of the hardest programs in the nation (and passed), met and talked to countless people, been bar hopping and partying, been responsible, cared for people and been cared about, been skydiving, and more. Compared to anyone else I ever went to high school with, my life has more variety to it by far. I guess the main problem is I look at all these things I've done but don't care. It's as if my "person" makes its mind up about something and I just watch what happens. It doesn't even feel like I'm working even when my work load is rough.

-- As a side note, the only times I feel attached to what is going on around me is when I'm with high energy as I described before. During these times I express narcissistic tendencies and actually feel a love for my self and pride for the things I've accomplished. But this is definitely not how I feel at all times.

Thanks again.

[Towanda]

Hi Apple, I'm just guessing here so don't take this as gospel, ok? A lot of what you've written - feeling high sometimes, then really down others - sounds to me like the mood swings of bipolar or manic-depression. I'm bipolar, and the way you talked about your life sounded very similar to feelings I have about mine - love and pride sometimes, not caring others.

I'm coming to the end of my therapy journey, and it's made a big change in my life - I would definitely recommend it. It's given me a sense of direction and purpose, helped even my moods, improved my ability to relate to the people around me - so many things similar to what you mentioned in your posts. I also take meds on a regular basis to deal with depression.

Why not give therapy a try, if for nothing else than to give your life focus and meaning? Take care and good luck