[Lizabelle]

You know, sometimes I think that I'm just playing at this whole "being mentally ill" thing.

I think I'm bulimic, b/c I eat a lot and then purge to compensate for it. But I want to be anorexic. How is that possible? Anorexia nervosa is a disease, not a diet.

I think I'm bipolar, b/c that's what my doctor diagnosed, and I have weird mood swings.

I think I'm a SI-er, because I cut myself and I like it.

But isn't there supposed to be some sort of regret with all of these things? Where you think, "Wow, I wish I had never done this because it screws up my life." For me, the only time I regret it is when I think really hard about how my life would have been without it. Other than that, I love it.

I love cutting- I think it's beautiful.

I love being bipolar- it means that I get wonderful highs and incredible lows.

I love being bulimic- the sense of control I get from purging, the elation the (very rare) times that I lose weight from it.

Am I just pretending? Am I just normal and think I have these problems?

For me, the despair and sadness and unexplained crying that I get from when I'm depressed are what I like. I love that feeling of hopelessness. I feed off of the wretchedness when I cut. I live for that burning in my throat as I bend over a toilet.

I don't know who, or what, I am anymore.

[Rennerenner]

ME TOO

Sometimes, I get a weird high from it, just because it makes me more creative at times, other times less though. I often worry that I might be making it up to get attention, but, uh, I don't get any attention for it cause I don't have many friends and I act perfectly normal around my family, so...

Then I think sometimes I'm even more crazy for thinking I might be making up being crazy lol. :-\ idk

[Lizabelle]

Exactly... No one knows about it IRL, so the whole "just doing it for attention" isn't really valid...

Glad to know I'm not the only self-doubting/paranoid person here. XD

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

I think I'm bulimic, b/c I eat a lot and then purge to compensate for it. But I want to be anorexic.

But isn't there supposed to be some sort of regret with all of these things? Where you think, "Wow, I wish I had never done this because it screws up my life." For me, the only time I regret it is when I think really hard about how my life would have been without it. Other than that, I love it.

I used to be bulimic but I wanted to be anorexic much like you currently. The regret will come later and the longer you continue doing many of these things, the greater the regret will likely be.

[Lizabelle]

I know that's not a good thing, but that's a really comforting thought. XD

[RunningEagleRuns]

Ive wanted to be anorexic sorta.. But im not going to do it - i like eating too much =P
If you want to lose weight try doing the healthy way =]

[Lizabelle]

I've tried... No matter whether it's rabbit food or junk food, my problem is that I eat way too much of it. The only way I know how to undo that is to stay away from food altogether, and when I fail, get rid of it.

[youwontknow]

I think how you feel is ten times more common than anyone is willing to admit.
I relate completely.
You're not faking. I think I saw your name in an ed online community recently? Those can make you feel terrible as I've noticed people jump down your throat because of a lovely thing called "wanarexia". I got it a lot.
Don't take it personally.

"I can't be myself and I don't want to talk. Now I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want."

[Lizabelle]

Yeah, I joined one recently. Mostly just to talk to more people, though. I don't do much on the forums.

Thanks

[shark1j]

I want to join one...

[IowaFarmGal]

I have a list of labels from my therapist. Mostly I just want to get by and have a life of some kind until I'm old enough to retire. I recogize a lot of people that are where I was. Is it fake to remember that and want to fit in here because mostly I can't in the "normal" world if there is such a thing? I still have trouble and lose my job occasionally. I know that right triggers can knock down the dominos and I'm working to eliminate them. Not sure if it's healthy looking back though.

[Mayflower7]

Hi Lizabelle,
It can be possible to have both conditions, not sure if under any medical care?
Please seek some help Re the cutting as may really injure yourself, and risk of infection too. Please seek out your GP, or mental health team as lots of support that can be given, different therapy options too.
I know When, I worked with young adults, they felt a release when doing that.
But, ever so harmful LONGTERM.
Please dress your wounds and apply anti-bacterial cream etc if have any current wounds. Have you tried taking your mind off this and starting a new hobby.
I love mobile gaming, great for anybody ESPECIALLY with chronic conditions loads of games out there. Not sure if have a smartphone or iPad or iPod as all these offer lots of choice. When feeling low or want to vomit etc, try distracting your mind and see if works for you. Do you feel very depressed at times too?
Your not a failure for eating more sometimes, please see a specialist in eating disorders, so can help with support/advice/treatment etc.
Take care
Kate

[Lizabelle]

Well, I see a psychiatrist/psychologist (whichever one can provide meds!) once every few months, but I don't take the meds they prescribe. :P
I've been hospitalized for that once, and it was the single worst experience of my life. Sorry, but that's not happening again!
I do... Well, I don't dress them, but I do clean them & put triple-antibiotic stuff on them.
I have an iPod, but it needs a charger and I'm broke. XD
Thanks :/
You take care too, Kate. <3

[Mayflower7]

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

Well, I see a psychiatrist/psychologist (whichever one can provide meds!) once every few months, but I don't take the meds they prescribe. :P
I've been hospitalized for that once, and it was the single worst experience of my life. Sorry, but that's not happening again!
I do... Well, I don't dress them, but I do clean them & put triple-antibiotic stuff on them.
I have an iPod, but it needs a charger and I'm broke. XD
Thanks :/
You take care too, Kate. <3

Hi Lizabelle,
Is it side effects with your medication that worry you?
Sorry, such a bad EXPRIENCE in hospital too.
That's great keep wounds clean etc.
I hope might be able to get a new charger when able too.
Have you had counselling or cognitive behavioural treatment ?
Thank you
Kate

[Lizabelle]

Not just that, but the way the control my mind, and my actions. It freaks me out and dims my creativity.
I've had some counselling when I was much younger, but that was before things got "serious". Since the "serious" things began, I've only had one T and I hated her bitterly. Since then, no, I haven't had any therapy or anything.
s