Three things I've noticed

1. I will never get anything I want done, EVER. As soon as I want something all the motivation is drained from me and I can't work for it anymore.

2. It's amazing how I can go from being all happy-dappy, to explosive and suicidal to depressive in less than 30 minutes tops. I went off on my sister because she interrupted me while I was falling asleep. She started yelling at me because I left purple hair dye in the bottom of the tub. I was having such a good day that I forgot all about it. Well, I started screaming. Went on a rampage, I threw things, then ran into the kitchen and almost grabbed a knife so I could chop myself up but I resisted the urge and locked myself in my room. I screamed until I felt better. Now I feel worthless.

3. I hate myself a lot more than I realized.
I actually love myself a lot. But I feel ashamed because I love myself too much. Now I hate myself even more.
I feel that the relationship between myself is like an abusive relationship. I try to convince myself that I love me because I love myself, even though my brain and body like to make me suffer.

Sorry you get so upset but its good you realize this isn't good. Do you have a therapist? I also hate being disturbed when I'm trying to sleep. Although its good to let things out, the key is to find a better way. Next time you feel it building - try going to a quiet place and do this breathing exercise - inhale deeply using your stomach muscles and hold for a few seconds - during the hold, quickly tighten all your muscles. As you exhale slowly, relax all those muscles and you'll feel the tension melt. Keep doing the slow breathing/ tightening then relaxing muscles until you feel more calm.

does that work for you lynn? Do you have these thoughts and feelings to the extreme?

The thing is that when you hit a rampage like that.....there are other things in your life that are causing your anger to build up......having a good T where you can talk through the things that are bothering you would be a good place to start......the breathing or doing something calming will help you "at the moment".....but you truly need to resolve the issues that are going on in your life that have driven you to that point in the first place.

You sound bothered at my suggestion, when I'm simply trying to be helpful..... as if to say I don't empathize. Its not guaranteed to help especially in the heat of the moment. Can be helpful to calm down and offset emotions when they're starting out. Have been told it helped some people. Yes I've had my share of being very upset. Eskies suggestion is best.

The thing is it doesn't require there to be something else to cause the anger to be triggered. It is not like a build up of anger or a frustration with a problem in life that is dogging you. What the OP described is different.

Searching for a 'life issue cause' in these kinds of scenerios can drive someone batty. They are not connected. This is a spontaneous response at a time when the brain is in overdrive and the emotions are in chaos and suddenly everything is explosive and responses are extreme.

I made a scene today outside the city hall. Went in to defer my taxes. Requires another signature. Simple problem, easy solution but I managed to make a mountain out of a molehill and the next thing I knew I was on my knees on the lawn screaming and shreading papers into the air making no sense what so ever. A total loony-toons.

Yes, I breathed my way back to level eventually but the shame, the self-loathing, the hopelessness that I feel can not be breathed away. I snapped under the pressure of a tiny kink in the road. I felt the signs. I felt the confusion. I tried to walk away, I tried to get the clerk to stop talking but I was too slow.

I did not let off on the clerk. That is progress I suppose because I may have on another occassion. Still on another occassion the kink in the road would have had no effect on me in the slightest.

I can relate too well to what you describe Xambgii. It does feel like an abusive relationship with the self. It requires a lot of forgiveness of the self. It requires us to never give up on ourselves. It requires us to figure out how to live with ourselves. How to know when we are vulnerable, how to take the reins in any situation and manage any thought or feeling before it can take you off the rails.

For me it is a build up. It can build up within seconds but it is still a build up. If that is true than it logics that if we are attentive enough we can manage the build up. If we can respond quickly enough then more and more we will be able to change outcomes. If we can nip things before they get us then we have a fighting change of behaving in ways that will not result in those feelings of shame, self hate etc that are a consequence of having lost all control in a moment of extreme emotional charge.

Forgive yourself for having acted badly; have faith you can learn to manage any emotion; and keep plugging away at it. That is all I can think to do that can keep me in the game of life. Otherwise the reasons for giving up are just toooooo convincing.

Yes I was bothered and I apologize for being so flip. Its not a good day for me to be posting obviously so I will make this my last. It just came across for me, personally as oversimplified and ignorant of the complexities at play. It felt like another on of the zillion..... just do this and life will be fine. Just relax, just breath, just think happy thoughts. All good advice but when in the grip of hell just serve to make me feel worse. I am doing those things and more. I am exhausted from the effort. Its not that simple! If it were I would be cured. If it were and I couldn't that makes me even a bigger loser and waste of air. I just don't get it! That's what ends up swirling in my thoughts. Can't just one person understand how very hard this is and just tell me they are sorry I feel so badly and leave it at that? Why do people think they know what I am going through if they haven't been through this themselves? That's how my warped brain takes your simple act of kindness and turns it into something else.

I know you are here to help people and that you are a valued regular on PC.

I know that living with bi-polar et. al. is about the tool kit one accumulates over time. I am an avid tool collector and I practice using my tools regularly. I know what tools to use and when and how even when I am late on the task.

Its all such high-maintenance. These stretches of time when every single moment is spent in mood management mode are life draining.

My apologies again Lynn.

(((((xambgii))))) I hope you are feeling better today and can take the time to shower yourself with buckets of love and kindness. Sorry for going off on my own little tangent there.

It's okay. I feel a bit better today. Nothing's really gotten in my way today, so I think I'm okay.

And Lynn P, Eskie Lover. Thank you for your input. But I believe Sunblossom was able to understand my situation a lot more.
I've tried breathing exercises. I've tried ways to calm myself down. It just serves to fuel the rages or emotional outbursts until afterwards when I'm drained. And there's not a source to the build up at all. It's just... out of nowhere.

Thank you all.

Fair enough sunblossom and I certainly wouldn't try to over simplify this problem with my suggestion...sorry it came across that way. I'm married to someone who can blow up over simple things and had a brother who was bipolar. Didn't mean to imply this is a cure and it might not help at all, especially when ones in 'the zone' of out of control anger. I saw this breathing technique by a doctor on youtube for anger and just wanted to pass it on.

I'm sorry you suffer with something similar and had a very bad day. I was also the victim of road rage and followed across town by an out of control driver once. In serious cases my suggestion wouldn't do a bit of good - just something to try out.

I see we posted at the same time and good you're feeling better today Xambgii.