[beauflow]

I am not sure where to exactly put this.

I know I will not be able to get all my thoughts out of what I think right now on this but I would like to start it.

Do you ever wonder about the play of yourself in dysfunction as well as others in the dysfunction (I know many of us do)

Perhaps right now I am just so angry that I am turning very bitter- but at the same time it makes complete sense to me on this idea.

My first topic right now is the dysfunction that I play in society by working at a corporation that laid off tens of thousands of people, to higher in jokers and people like me (Jokers I say - that is right, people that just mess around, just to fill the spot-- People like me that would had been great in the 50's that even though no education they had the drive to learn the new stuff, the drive to keep learning the new job even if the had no back ground in it-- and to keep trying and caring) People like me in this day in age as well as People in general that try are used and abused by the companies.
I don't want to get too off topic so will try to get to the main point of my thinking.
I am what one of my high school buds would have called a "scab"; Corporation laid off Educated people or people of the job that had been in it for years that had good experience, for a contractor to come and take their place for a considerable amount of lower pay.

Corporation still has some of the corporate personnel but less of them- and oh don't think they are not getting screwed over- yeah they have so far kept their spot but over the last like 5 years one Company Employee told me that he has lost 30% of his pay with in those 5 years *and! insurance benefits due to "trimming the fat" --
And the Scabs- I mean contractors like myself- Well- we were not much worth anything so Surprise -- We are furloughed with a day notice of it starting and the Upper Managers (Not so big but big enough if that makes sense) DO try their best with caring- they know that we are needed, they fought last year to cut the 3 weeks for one month, and god knows how many weeks for the last quarter so we all could work... I don't know if they will be able to do that this year- but it does show that they DO care a little I understand that but -- at the same time the companies employees- every quarter someone (ones) are "let go of" to meet the quota- basically it will come down to drawing straws on who will go--

Some may say- why would a corporation do this-- They are over seaing a lot of the jobs-- I hate to say it but it is killing America right now with doing this--
Also the Big CEO Does not Care About the GROWTH OF the Company- The CEO Only Cares about his few years in his/her chair to bank out and leave the mess for someone else-- so many are hurt with this--- I get angry with it as well as others do as well.

On To My Opinion- Lets Not Make this Political RIGHT- And Not Trying TO But My Point comes with all of this--

By me staying at my job and being me with caring and doing my very best to make sure all is done and good- I am actually hurting not only my fellow company co-workers with well look- there is a fool that will do all the work and we pay them so much less... Not only that but also I am contributing the dysfunction of the economy right now with staying here-

I know LITTLE OLD ME can't be much if I up and quit I KNOW.... AND by means, I have joked with plenty of people about Mutinies but we can't due to we do need a job... but at the same time-- it is a lovely thought.

Mentally this bothers me... I contribute due to not "happily at a job I love" but that I need one..

It has bothered me that I am in a place of some one that used to have a job here, got paid well, and the company screwed them over-- and Now in away I screw them over with contributing to this.

I like the actual job-- but due to the lack of pay, education with many people (brain cells with others), lack of management really caring besides keeping things going-- it makes it a very toxic work place as far as people and management.

It surprises me sometimes that the Company Employes Some of them think of me as one of them and not a contractor due to I am not like so many of the contractors- I actually at some points take 'pride' in what I do. The other contracotrs though can be rather toxic- they lie and do other htings that are so triggering to me... Management for Contractor side is so poor that it is triggering-- Even up to the top -- they don't care unless Law Suit is being said and pulled and in the works for them to change something-- IDK If i can do that. Little old me that always gets knocked down-- i try to keep proof but I get 'depressed' at times and loose hope and either lose or forfit my fight. It does come down to MY Fault on that which is another subject.

Which that helps to contribute to my own personal problems!

sigh....

I could go on with this but then it would be a rant right? or have I already crossed that line?

My Next Topic is a very sensitive topic so I will be brief on it.... My S/O and I-- I keep wondering how we both contribute to dysfunction to our problems--
I know we both have our flaws and greatness' no doubt-- but I have to wonder some times...

I guess a last topic right now, would be me contributing to my own dysfunction- I have been having a hard time here these last few hours of believeing IT IS ALL MY Fault of NOT Unlearning the "Negative things from Childhood" with at points being confused on what to do/where to go with things due to upbringing taught me some thing else and I guess some where (Barney maybe? ) taught me that perhaps it is not that bad (I.e. To Trust another, to open up, to be human)..... I am learning slowly that this is ok, not everyone is going to burn me but yet there are several people out there that will.... however-- My S/O (A Greatness' of his) has helped me a lot with this-- I opened up to him, I trusted him, -- however I see the lack of trust on his side to me-- I at times have to wonder- does this really help me-- he tells me that he trusts me but he wont talk like i do- he has feelings (that last was a joke due to he can be so distant sometimes).... I know he has feelings, he can show that side at times too but he is so easily shut off as well by his own means at times... it can be hard for me to fully trust him then at times on my part. I am sure that PTSD from side helps with this.

I guess maybe I should make a list of what I feel I contribute to dysfunction.. and what I feel the outsiders contribute to mine huh?

Ok I am running the timer, and have to go but there are my thoughts at the moment... any input or others that want to rant with me?

[Perna]

I fought my own burnout and anger at the "system" problems by repeatedly reminding myself not to look at or worry about what other people were doing, just do what I wanted to do for myself, for the kind of woman I wanted to be. To heck with the "jokers" (there are a lot of defense firm jobs that have/hire "warm bodies") and who is getting paid more than I am or being screwed, I have enough trouble with what I want and what I am doing. I use to think about things, when I was alone with a task/job and could take shortcuts that no one would ever know about or care about or. . . but I am always with myself and I'd know!

If you start on the slippery slope of doing a half-asset job, what does that get you? Mostly, bored! The joy in life, in my opinion, is in the challenges and it is getting more and more challenging to be an individual, to do one's best in this social environment. For awhile there from about the mid-80's through about 2001 or 2, we had "New Age" dawning thereof supposedly happening and there was hope that a critical balance of enlightened people would tip the scales but I don't see that anymore. I just see me, where I've always been, struggling with my own life and what I want it to be like, who I want to be and how I want others to see me, etc.

Did you ever read any of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi's books? I read 3-4 of them in the 90's and really enjoyed them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

[Odee]

You're not the only one here experiencing a great deal of resentment towards the structure and quality of our economy.

What boggles me is how we live in such an extremely powerful economy that's squandered on consumerism. Because we are all required to work full time jobs to afford our own houses, properties, and basic necessities, so many of us fill so many of us fill roles that aren't focused on production, and even for those of us who do, so much of what we produce is worthless -- nicknacks, novelties, and so many other things we don't need.

If you truly think about it, in order to achieve only what we NEED, as a society we wouldn't have to work anywhere near a 40 hour work week. Working for what we need takes far less time. It's just impossible to live that way in our economy.

I don't see why we can't evolve an economic system based on working less to just acquire needs and then spending the rest of our ample time devoted to productive hobbies and crafts. This way we'd also spend more time in pursuits involving people who are significant to us and not 40hr work weeks with strangers.

I used to have career oriented definition of success, but not anymore. Now, I daydream about working a part time job and growing my own produce. I might be less wealthy, and needlessly spending time on manual labour, but what matters is that I think it would be so much more satisfying. I think our brains were designed for that type of living and even if the work wasn't easy, over all, we'd be so much more satisfied.

Look at me, I went on my own tangent too!!

However, back to OP: I don't think you need to be blaming YOURSELF for being a good, hard working individual with a desire to learn how to do things well. What I think is even more destructive to our economy is people who have the opposite attitude of you -- people who chose to contribute the least but still expect pay.

Not to mention, I think it's extremely unhealthy to be blaming yourself for something that isn't anyone's fault!! It's unfortunate that it happened this way, but you are one individual in a sea of people who are all involved in the same economy.

[CastlesInTheAir]

Are you job hunting right now? Maybe there is a better company to work for in your industry.....

This might seem odd to you but I got lucky in May.....I got fired from my job. The place is toxic in more ways than one but I could never bring myself to leave because I was so used to the place and people. Now my life in a new place is a lot less stressful, the company is more organized, but I am starting at kind of square one pay wise but I should be up to speed in 6 months or so.....besides screw the money my sanity is more important

[Nammu]

You did not fire the educated highly paid workers and at this point in time unless you could get every person there to walk off with you you can not change their fate. So please don't beat yourself up and call yourself names that are relics from the USA union wars of a different time. I wish I had a better memory there are a lot of books about the working man who wonders at his place in the scheme of things. Pena mentioned a couple but there is a ton.

As for the last topic; You are a work in progress, we all are and as such you are not so much dysfunctional as unfinished.

Sending positive karma your way.

[beauflow]

Thanks all;

Flow-- I think i get this i mean when I am doing productive work at work, or even at home- it most of the time is not so much of 'out come of whatever am I doing of what will i get?'; it is more with just to do it and something with in myself of accomplishment or something- I achive a little in myself by doing what I do if that makes any sense, nothing on the outside influences it.
The problem with keeping flow at work is I do have a supervisor that frowns upon good production-- It makes no sense to any one, even outsiders that see what she does, .. it comes to the point that even a few others may think she sees me as a threat so if she can stomp on me, her life is some how easier-- plus I (and a handful of others) think she has her own issues to deal with --- I will always hope she gets the help she needs, I have in my time with my work tried as best to use her as a tool for my own growing, but at times am doubtful of growing or if it is harm.... the worst part is that since I am me, and after i cry about what she has done, I go back to being me with doing things that are productive-- some times I am great with ignoring her (i.e. the other day she is confused with things so she told me to stop doing something until the confusion is settled, i just said whatever to it and went along my day). But there are other times she comes down so harsh and making no sense that I guess I am triggered with her-.. the bad part with this all is that other workers see what she does, and They become the sitting posts to take up space due to they don't want to be treated like that.
This Week has been a great example of that, Sunday night the worker did absolutely nothing-- they did not get talked to, (we work 3 nights together I would had heard about it)... I am up and doing things and get told to stop.... even though it is not harming anything, it is not messing up anything- it is actually fixing things and getting things done, it is being productive... Customer's Managers say Thanks! good job... but supervisor says 'stop doing this!'.... which I have to listen to supervisor she is part of my employer; Customer's Managers are part of the corporation that employer works for.

Any ways-- Enough whining about why Flow at work is hard to keep...I guess I worry too much of the outcome of being told "bad" from supervisor of why Flow stops...

I think a lot of this has helped with me realizing-- I really don't want to be in a corporation environment any more. If that makes any sense....

Problem I come back to is-- what do I want to do??

Maybe a small vet office i can find to do desk/appointment settings and help work, and then go back to school to get my technician degree, I already have my assistance-- the only problem with pursuing that back when I started was my internship was in a Hospital/Veterinarian office, and I did not fit well with that even at 19; and sadly the 'spontaneity of things' throw me off more so these days than when I was younger. Also some patients' parents are a little out there.... I had trouble with the putting down too-- but if it is for good causes I am ok with it (cancer and terminally ill animals i mean)...

I know in another forum i talked about perhaps getting into psychology- that there has been a thing since before I was 18 but at that age I was not ready to face my own demons but I always read on things , these days I think I am just such a mess how could I help anyone else? Some people that know me in real life, say I am not such a mess as I think I am.. So I guess just inside my head is a mess

So as one great co-worker was talking with me the other day-- he mentioned- "I have always came to the question that you (Beuflow) have posed upon your self, 'what do i want to be when I grow up' and it always comes back to 'naa i don't want to grow up, but what do I want to do next'?"
This co-worker actually has had 30-some odd years with the corporation and doing misc. things and not just with this department with in the corporation, and also doing side things like teaching and getting into his city council and stuff like that-- so don't that 'growing up part' as not being mature

So, what do I want to do next.. it is something to think about huh?

I don't want to play apart any more in societies dysfunction--
Perhaps a small Owner Veterinarian office or something would be good- it would not be a corporation right and it would have the bonus plus of helping out which is something I am always driven to do-- just to help out where I can....

Psychology route, is hard to say since I am a double edge sward of it- 1) a lot of kids go abused with out note (I am one of them) 2) There are still 'politics' with psychology I am sure and 3) internalizing/getting emotionally wrapped up in things can be difficult for me
-- At times I think perhaps becoming an art teacher would be cool instead of psychology route-- get to talk with kids and help them out that way even if it is not full hearty helping kids out as i want to some times (I hate of how my siblings and I, and as I read with many other PC Members their struggles, and a lot if in childhood, perhaps we would all be better as adults?).. I remembered when I was little and even high school, school was a great escape-- art I loved in high school and took as much as I could -- it was in it's own way therapy and a stress reliever for me.... I guess that is why.

then with that I think- Why not go for art degrees, perhaps I could either appraise art or something in galleries

sigh...

I like the ideas of helping others out... the only problem though which is what I will come to with what Trici has mentioned---
Finding another job-- I seem to get at times so consumed with some of my "outside of work" problems my time in my head stops; and I do this with Work Problems as well that trigger me-- I at times come out and time seems to get moving, then another thing stumbles and I get stuck again in my head with time.

It is like Time in Reality is going, it is passing, but Beauflow is not part of reality time, Beauflow is in La la la la Beauflow land with time... and then comes back to Reality time and so much has passed..... the funny thing is that my ex-therapist really did not see the problem with this-- and I unfortunately do think this is a problem- or is that just me?

I am getting back on reality time here lately-- as long as my S/O does not ask for me to see his parents, as long as my brother is accepting some space and time and getting help (IDK If he is but I will always hope so), and that a thing does not come crashing down again--- I will again like I did a few months back put in some more applications for other work. (i do have fears with getting into the same environment in a new job, that is at the recent job however-- but I do realize, I do not know unless I try).

Another problem is I have a rather difficult time homing into what is my strength? what do I really enjoy? ... I wish someone could just assets me and be like this is a fit for you!!


any who.....Side Stepper-- Man's place in society-- this woMan wants to be in a place of society with being more productive

Oh and Odee OH my -- I do agree with a lot that you have mentioned, trinets and stuff-- I don't see why people don't do more crafts as you mention instead of buying garbage..... my work right now-- even though the corporation is not known for what the dept does, the dept actually I do see 'good in what they do for society in away', the dept that is-- the dept helps with many other companies keep their information backed up-- i think it is good for they are helping (for a pretty penny) these others with keeping things going for the rest...

sigh... and speding more time with loved ones is one big thing with me right now as well-- My S/O and I have been working two different shifts-- we don't get much week time together- I am alone a lot on weekdays which sometimes upsets me so much due to I was alone a lot as a kid or I was not allowed to go outside almost all the time due to my mom, so I would sit in my room and sit in my room by myself.. I know I had 5 other siblings but they were 5-9 years older than I-- they did not want to hang out with the baby

I am babbling...

some things to chew on..

I wish I could figure out flow better for life in general for me