[beauflow]

I seem to have so much trouble with speaking up of What I want that is with in reason...

Today is a good example and I don't mean to come off as a gambling addict if any of you see that-

I had not bought scratch tickets for three days now,
See what I have been doing is putting 30 bucks down, and just turning over the profit of that (i.e. 30 bucks i put down for tickets last Saturday, won 14 off of the 30, 14 bought more tickets that won me $16, $16 that bought tickets won me $28)...
I KNOW this is A Waste of Money-- It is Why I only Limit My Amount that I put out in the first place-- and I just turn over what I had won.. and if I loose it all I LOOSE IT.. I wait till the next weekend and put twenty or ten or some thing

Well I figured I had found a guy that "understood what i have been doing".. I will buy my pack of cigs with my credit card and turn in the tickets for more tickets.

Well the other day the machine was down to scan the scratch tickets, so I just went home and kept them till today... Well since yesterday I was just inline for nothing and a bit munch I got my S/O and I each a muffin, and a pack of cigs... The guy does the scanning-- I'm a winner yay-- Now I had already slid my card for the items on the register...

I ask about my scratchies that I want, he has 8 = $16 (two dollar ones) and I am like ok so give me -- these one dollar ones, and he is like you have $2 left.. at first I was like "what?" then I realized he had used the scratch tickets for the things I was buying even though i already slid my card...

I did not speak up-- and this is the real thing that bothers the hell out of me...
I DID NOT Speak UP to say-- NO, Sir that Is Not what i want to do-- Sorry for expecting you to remember me and of what I was doing at me

But see the guy joked with me with the cigs-- saying NO you can't have them-- he remembers my pack-- so I am like really you don't remember me.. but it is TOO Much for me to expect him to remember me, in a busy time of the morning of what I do with the damn scratch tickets (That is what I keep telling myself)

I am just angry with me with not speaking up--
At first I was just going to get the cash and split it with my S/O due to this lot he put money into it too.... **OH I will mention, that My S/O said to do what I wanted, he did not want anything back and last night he told me to get scratchies for the end of my day to just do em.... it is a silly thing to me... it is a phase i suppose...

I am just mad right now-- I wish this was easier for me and I feel pushed over right now... I have so much more DEEPER things with this than just stupid scratch tickets and the gas attendant

I have trouble Figuring out what I want, let alone speaking up at times for it..

I am sorry this is just a rant... I know the core problem -- no not, addiction to gambling... It is me not being a strong voice as I wish I was....

I know I HAVE Grown with this from my past--- I KNOW that I communicate with my S/O MORE SO Now than Ever with ANY ONE in my LIFE... but still-- these little times, really piss me off some times...

I am also worried that he Charged My Card and Took Money off my ticket winnings-- which that makes me worry and I hope to his stars that he did not--- or he has really lost a customer, due to that is stealing to me-- charge my card then take my cash! f that. I will check in a few hours to see if any thing posts on my card for this morning.

[jelly-bean]

Goodness, you are so mad at yourself! I think you are maybe too shy to speak up or you are like me and just don't want to "make waves". I just hate fussing about things but I also hate being taken advantage of so I am working on getting a bit bolder. I doubt that the guy charged you twice because he knows it would show up and he would lose his job. Give yourself a break there's nothing wrong with being quiet. You know you have the problem so just take steps to try to get better about it. It takes some work but it can happen.

[Leed]

You are ALOT like I used to be. I think I must have had "walk all over me" tattooed on my forehead! I could never speak up about anything, but that might be because my ex was abusing me too.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten MUCH better about speaking up == and in some instances, I've embarassed my daughter. LOL She's easily embarassed, but i'm NOT going to let anyone take advantage of me! Too many people think that because I'm "older" I'm also stupid!

I don't know how old you are, but you will get braver. Just ease up on yourself a little huh? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[dailyhealing]

I struggle with speaking up at times too. Used to be really bad, couldn't do it at all. And I certainly understand the negative feelings that go with not being able to speak up for ourselves. I can get into so much self hate about that. I have improved a lot over time, just building confidence. I trust the same will happen for you. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you are so angry.

[beauflow]

I am sorry-- Yeah I was pretty mad at me Wednesday morning with a lot of things and this sort of pushed a button that I hate to admit that I am still working on......

Tonight, before work- (I had winners from the ones I had got) I got a pop and said when I went to the cash register- I will put these on my card and I have these to turn in and I want these one dollar ones..... lol... of course this was a different gas station, it was a different person-- but still....

After i did this I thought about this morning, about how with MY Communication as well can be a big help-- Even if I have to say a million times to one person -- even if I "think" they remember me....
A little demanding of me to expect them to remember me I think right now.... LIke I work in a customer based job, Customers that I see some once a year or bi yearly -- rarely every quarter these days but none the less... Some People I don't remember but they remember me.... Some People I really Remember and they vaguely remember me.... and Some of it is the same - we both remember each other

I had worked at a gas station for a few months when i was younger, had to quiet due to anxiety and other things-- but a lot of people traffic through those things, if you are not in their everyday -- I can see it easily being missed....

Lee you make me laugh, that is one thing-- I don't want to make a scene! I was mad at myself this morning as well being polite with "Oh Geez Thanks, and Have a good day too" and all smiles.. then as walking to my car i was good that is not what I wanted

In the end it is all ok- hey maybe it is a "sign" to stop this silly thing too
But it is ok- due to I had almost made back what was put in (THIS ROUND), and some things were bought with that round's winnings.......

Getting calmer when upset with myself I need to work on too--- not being so bothered...

But like I said, tonight was a little reminder of MY Communication with others too -- helps out....

Thanks all and many 's back