Help please? Not sure where to put this

okay i'm sorry this isn't in a category but I have no idea where I'd categorize this if any sort of admin knows where this belongs sorry feel free to move it

i have no idea what to do things are spinning rapidly out of control i was very close to trying to kill myself last night but thankfully one of my friends knew what was going on and called me and kept me calm. i don't want to die. it's not me.

sorry if this story makes no sense at this point half the time it's me rationally talking half of the time it's the rules and then i think i made it all up so there might be multiple attitudes to the same events in here

when i was in third grade i was strange. i didn't get along or fit in with the other girls at my school so some of them created rules for me to follow to make me act normal like they did i wasn't allowed to interrupt them or talk about things i liked or touch them or get too close to them I had to stay a few feet away if I didn't they wouldn't interact with me if I followed the rules they'd talk to me otherwise i was totally systematically ignored this lasted from maybe age eight or nine to age eleven? the rules werent still being enforced by seventh grade but i still followed them. eighth and ninth grade i was at a different school in a different country i thought i made friends then at the end of ninth grade one of the girls declared out of the blue that she was lying

why am i doing this they didn't enforce the rules i asked them to i'm making this up for attention i should shut up
no i shouldn't my friends say i couldn't make all of this up

they were all lying they hated me they were just tolerating me and then after ninth grade i returned to my old school

every year since sixth grade i've had around one incedent a year where i panic over the rules and everything and i get sent to a school counselor or someone and then i sweep it back under the rug and keep functioning but this january i freaked out with a friend and she was really sweet and told me i could talk to her and the rules didn't exist and i mattered and then i freaked out again a few more times maybe once a month

then i went to camp with her and a few other friends and i had half a can of monster and got really exciteable like i was before the rules and then i started laughing and staring at the wall for an hour and then i panicked more than usual i was kind of incoherent and would hyperventilate if anyone touched me because it was agains the rules. don't worry after that i decided that was the first and last time i am ever having an energy drink so that's not happening again i'm not stupid that was really bad and not happening again

the three weeks I was there i panicked an average of once a week usually over the fact that the rules did/n't exist not including the first energy drink induced time

the next three weeks i was there with mostly different people at the same camp and i was panicking more and more often and then one day i couldn't deal with it anymore and started going all weird and i knew i was making it up

still am making it up making it up for attention

no how could i make this all up for attention?

don't know how to get good attention act annoying get bad attention that's what the rules are for they're good they're to make you act normal

things started going all weird and there were different things worrying me i was scared for my friends and the rules and other stuff and i numbered them there were seven things i could panic about but i didn't want to panic so i kept them under control i sat in my room at camp writing down one two three four five six seven over and over again and then one of the camp guidance counselor people was called in because i kept writing the numbers and wouldn't tell them what was going on and i was forced to stay overnight in the nurse's office they called my parents but my parents are apparently very oblivious they still now haven't noticed what's going on but anyways things have been getting worse

since school started two months ago I've been noting down which days the rules bother me, and which days they bother me to the degree that i panic and my friends have to call me to calm me down. There have been nine days they have to call me i'm totally incoherent and out of control twenty seven days that things are under control and ten days the rules seriously bother me but I don't end up incoherent.

i can manage it though the panic isn't really an issue. Recently though i've had instances where i want to kill myself. it's not that i feel unloved or sad or anything. it's when the rules take over I'm entirely convinced i'm inherently not a person

of course i'm not a person if i followed the rules it wouldn't be an issue

yes it would be an isssue no matter what i do i'm not a person

and i can't control it all i know in those moments is that I'm not allowed to talk to anyone not allowed to interact with anyone not allowed to initiate contact with anyone i'm not a person i'm inherently worthless and need to kill myself because no matter what happens i will never be a person

and then the next morning i'm entirely convinced i made it all up for attention so i don't deal with it

it's not me wanting to kill myself it's me not seeing any other choice the only thoughts running through my head are 'i need to kill myself i'm not a person' there's no real why going on which is an issue because i can't logic myself out of it then

that happened last night stronger than it has in basically ever and i'm terrified because i myself don't want to die i can't control myself when it happens and i don't have a specific plan but that's more because I refuse to let myself get a specific plan i know if i have even the inklings of a plan it'll be much more dangerous when it happens because when i want to kill myself i have no long term thoughts just 'need to die now' but i do have some ideas i know one of my friends tried to kill herself with an extension cord also i live in a big city on a busy street just walking into traffic at the wrong time or I'm by the water and **** at swimming i could jump into the river

those are all thoughts that go through my head when it happens and i'm not sure what to do anymore i know when i'm okay and the rules aren't an issue that this is really dangerous because i'm a danger to myself those nights but i don't know what to do i'm scared about what will happen when my parents find out i'm scared what's going to happen i wouldn't be surprised if i end up having to be admitted but that terrifies me i don't know what will happen some of my friends have been admitted but they don't talk about it it sounds like hell from the things they've said

Hello brindle

You are young. You are very confused. You are afraid. None of those aspects are unusual at all. A slim percentage of people experience happy times of their lives in youth. Most of us are thankful that childhood and teen years are over! I know that I wouldn't re-live those years of my life for anything in this world ~ it was much too painful for me!

Thankfully, I suppose that I was lucky in that my parents noticed that I needed help somewhat early & I began regular therapy when I was in 6th grade (although it should have begun much earlier). Better late than never! Have you ever come straight out and talked with your parents about getting help? Not to minimize the hurt that you are feeling towards your parents for their seemingly lack of care, it is possible that they just don't know what to say to you. They may be afraid of hurting, scaring, or alienating you ~ so they may avoid talking about what they see in you.

If that isn't an option for you, talk with your school counselor. I have been hospitalized a couple of times as a teen and a few times as an adult. While those times weren't remarkably enjoyable, each time did help me overcome my SI and helped me come to terms with my struggles at those times (for the most part). I have also continued with therapy, since i was a little girl & that probably won't ever stop. I have accepted that sometimes I just can't handle everything that life throws my way & I need help. Suicide isn't an option.

That means medications, regular therapy, group therapy, and occasional hospitalizations. But, things will become better again as long as I can accept that reality of my life. Hospital services have become a lot more active (with educational classes and support groups) nowadays, rather than just sitting around like we did when I was a teenager. They also don't want you in hospitals forever. They want to diagnose you and begin treatment, then make sure that you have decent support & understanding waiting for you when you're released.

Gentle hugs to you ~ take care!

Hi Brindle. It sounds like you went through some really tough stuff when you were young and from what I've read, that stuff can really affect you for a long time. But if we learn to manage our bad experiences, we can start to let them go and let that pain stay in the past.

Shezbut wrote: "That means medications, regular therapy, group therapy, and occasional hospitalizations."

These are all the options when dealing with mental health, but not everyone needs all of these services. It really depends on your situation. I think you sound like you have panic attacks. It would really help you to find a therapist and start seeing him/her regularly, like once or twice a week. He/she could help you find exactly what services you will need and explain why. When you go find someone, make sure to ask all the questions about therapists and psychiatrists that you want to know. If you're informed and know what you are doing and why, it will have a much better effect on you.

I'm sorry that those girls were mean to you when you were younger. I don't know why kids pick on each other and its a horrific thing to go through. I'm glad you have friends now and they hopefully understand who you really are and how much you have to offer.

Much love and good luck