[sugahorse1]

I don't know why.
I don't know if it'll ever go away
I don't know if I'll live a complete life again
I don't know if this pain is worth it
I don't know how to fill the void in a healthy manner
I don't know why I carry on

I am tired of being a drain on others.

The few happy days in between really don't offset anything.

Fighting back tears

[Dontfeellikeme]

I think I understand how you feel Suga. Hugs x

[thickntired]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I often feel I have only been an emotional, physical, & financial drain on my family and husband. It is a crappy feeling.

TnT

[shezbut]

(((sugahorse)))

Have you spoken with your pDoc lately? It sounds like you may need a change or increase in medication dosage. Questioning your purpose and ability to handle life, frequently fighting off tears just sounds so sad .

Try to hold onto those little positives that you do experience every now and then. Use them as reminders that all of life isn't miserable. This really rough patch of life will pass ~ just keep holding on! Put up visual reminders of the positives. Special pictures, words or poems, listen to positive music, long rides in the countryside, exercise, simply coloring can be a big stress relief, word search puzzles, arts & crafts, etc.

You're in my thoughts. Please get help asap & hold on tightly, I'm not letting go.

[threedognight]

Please don't be so sad. I feel bad for you. Remember there are good things in life. I know it's hard right now, trust me, I'm going through stuff too.... there are people out here who really care....

[sugahorse1]

Thank you Shezbut xx

[Coma Patient 7]

I know it's tiring feeling these emotions, but honestly it's more tiring feeling them then trying to counter them. I try to see it as a scale, when you add negative emotions it tips the scale towards feeling bad or negative. How you counter this, is by adding positive emotions to balance the scale. Another difficult part can be conjuring positive emotions when you are immersed in a negative emotion. But you have to remember, it's as difficult as you want to be, if you thought it was easy it would be easier. It's not something you'll feel the change over night and it won't cure you. But every little bit helps, this is like a war, use everything you can to your advantage.

Another thing I learned when fighting myself and my emotions. The subconscious fights dirty, it will re-program you, it will even use it's own subliminal messages to do this. The subconscious is a crafty one, so program yourself back by using as many positive emotions you can think of to balance the scale in your favor. Let nothing slip by, anything negative counter it, search for anything positive about the experience. Trust me, there is almost always a positive side to an experience, from a negative perspective it just takes a little more work to find. Every action has an equal or greater reaction, yin and yang. Sometimes it just takes more work finding them, but they are often more rewarding when they are found.

[sugahorse1]

I will give that a go - sounds simple, yet I know it's far from

[sugahorse1]

It's easier to go with the flow - staying in the uncomfortable comfort zone. Fan having to learn to make those changes.
But staying in that uncomfortable zone is unhealthy

[sugahorse1]

Hey there. Had a terrible session where T and I just didn't really connect and all she kept pushing towards was sending me to hospital on Friday. (I have an exam to write this evening).
Yes, my needs for touch and hugs definitely stems from my upbringing, and the worst is that I don't know if it's actually possible to go back and undo the past.

I've taken too much Klonopin and my bf saw that and last night got into a huge argument - I can see him wanting to end this relationship. He says I've changed so much and he doesn't know me anymore and that I've become a junkie. So, I asked him if he wants me to stop my meds, and I never got an answer. I'm just going to try keep communication to a minimum.
I also have a very sick grandmother in Germany with cancer. It was thought to be ok, but eventually they found out it had moved to the bone and they're even inserting a pin to help strengthen her bone. She took her first session of chemo really badly I believe. And there's nothing I can do from here.

All I wanted T to say was that I could phone her and she'd have a few words of encouragement. Not that she'd book me a bed in hospital straight away...
I don't know what else to say

[mrb81]

I've been feeling the same for a few years now. Just gotta find the little things that make you happy and appreciate them whenever they come around.
I feel a lot of what your going through, the breakups, the junkie accusations, close family losses.
Even though I'm a newbie, hope you find one of those little things that cheer you up for a bit.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks mrb - I'm sure those things will come past...