[LiveThroughThis]

My moods right now are severe, and up isn't one of them. Defeated, lost, feeling futile, racing thoughts/the "DO SOMETHING TO STOP THIS NOW" compulsions/depressed. On top of infection I'm trying to get over still, which renders me unable to do hardly anything physical, like clean. The nasal congestion is making it hard to breathe through my nasal sleep mask at night. My dr said it was ok to not wear it for this short duration so my face/neck can stop hurting and inflammation go down. But the catch22 is then I'm sleep deprived---even when I sleep it's not restful without the mask. So my sleep has been varied and little.

PMS has reared its head again. That's a huge part. I see the gyno next week, and I hope against hope they have some ideas on how to deal with this awful week and half pre-period, on top of the awful physical manifestations during it. For 3-4 days out of the month I can barely get out of the bed due to all the pain (including my legs).

I want so much to start driving again, but I have to get my car fixed. I want to clean this pigsty. I want to start losing weight now that I have my exercise bike. But I can't do any of it until my sleep is back in order and my sinus infection is gone.

Had two Panic Attacks yesterday, after going 6 weeks with only one occurring. This feels like a huge setback, though I know it shouldn't. I talked to my T today, she listened but wasn't much help...just said I needed to do what I could to take care of myself, avoid negative ppl/triggers, get sleep, etc. My friend's hopefully coming over tomorrow--maybe we'll get some stuff done.

I am in the trenches. My anxiety right now has on its punching gloves; it's ready whether I am or not. My T bringing up cortisol levels & how the constant raising of its levels causes stomach fat--which i have--and the anxiety/panic trigger over and over did not help me at all. I feel like I'm responsible for all this----so it's my fault I raised my levels? I feel like my entire internal system is ready to split into shards at any moment. The upside of full Panic Attacks are they leave me so exhausted all my brain wants is sleep.

I've done the best I've known how for three g*dd*amn years; i've done everything my P-doc, every doc, T has told me. And I'm still here fighting the thoughts, wishing I could be wrapped in an at-home straitjacket before bf goes to work so I know I can't hurt anyone and nothing can hurt me.

I hate being alone like this. Yet this house is so disorganized. I feel trapped. I don't have the money--or the mental stability--to get my own place.

Cyclecyclecycle. I can't stay with anyone because everyone works all day. I know I've been here before, as my T said, and it will ebb away. But it's so hard. I'm Bipolar II, the not-so-fun one. And with all my meds and all my tools, my head/emotions remain my on-again/off-again enemy.

Please, no advice. Don't tell me to do anything. I already have all the tools.

[carrie_ann]

no advice, just *hugs*

[Leed]

Lots of hugs.

[Little Me]

I can relate to the pain, all of it...... and I'm sorry you have it.

[Miswimmy1]

((((HUGGSSSS))) sry that you are going through this... you WILL get through it though. hang in there!

[Gretchen]

Sorry you are struggling. Hang in there.

[Jan1212]

Oh, you'll be fine Try to get some sleep now .. feel better in the morning. infections with sleep deprivation are the worst!

[tigerlily84]

Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts.

[LiveThroughThis]

I went with a friend to get my nails done after posting this. It was nice to get pampered, but the fumes of the chemicals got to me. My head was swimmy, felt out of it, lightheaded. Sort of wished I hadn't gone, in a way.
Afterwards my head was throbbing, my face/neck hurting as well.

My bf got home shortly after, and a massive Panic Attack occurred....body convulsions, incoherent muttering, etc. As it started to die down I talked about wishing I was dead, that I don't have the strength for this random-ness, much less every month. Said I felt like I was losing my grip with reality---genuinely concerned I was going to dissociate into some other realm. Terror, terror. My mind still spiraling, thoughts of hurting my dog (on the bed w/me) arose; "Hurt her, you know you'll feel better." "Shut up!" (These are not actual voices, more just thoughts, aside from me saying shut up.) My bf, always my rock, rubbed my back, saying, "Let all that stress out, honey."

I called my mom, she didn't answer. The attack slowed down. Still felt unnerved, so I called again and she answered. Another panic attack, though not as physical. Sobbing to her, tired of this, I'm such a burden on everyone. Fear my sinus infection won't get better and I'm going to end up in the ER cause my throat's closed up (didn't help my therapist suggested keeping in back of mind if my random throat issues continued seeing an ENT. Great, another dr).....gotta love the imagination in the midst of madness.

My mom is not always very patient or comforting, but she is when I'm in Panic Attack mode. She listened nonjudgementally, reminded me this will pass, as it always does. But that's not good enough. It is not good for my brain or body to deal with this, even if it has diminished significantly, even if technically I can't die from or lose my mind from anxiety. Especially when I don't have a "safe" person with me. Need a new sleep mask; someone has to drive me; only transportation makes me irritable. Need to get car fixed; limited transportation. Circle after circle after circle.

I took ibuprofen, headache is mostly gone. I am now more worn out than earlier. I'm trying to consider this a good thing. Hope sleep is sound.

The terror of one day losing control, despite my meds and T, never leaves me. I've told my P-doc and T this; they've not provided any advice or reassurance. I just...don't have anything else in me at this moment.

Thank you for all your hugs and words, and for not telling me what to do/everything's-going-to-be-ok. If that were true, people would never commit suicide. I'm not saying I will or want to. But it is a fact.

[JustDontAsk]

You seem so incredibly strong to me.

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by JustDontAsk

You seem so incredibly strong to me.

My god, JustDontAsk. I can't express here how much that sentence means to me. It has shot like an arrow straight into my heart and lit it up a little.

I an endlessly grateful.

[beatles1234]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, I hope you feel better soon.

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by Leed

Lots of hugs.

Love the quote. I like to think that I can even run in the rain too!

[JustDontAsk]

Originally Posted by LiveThroughThis

My god, JustDontAsk. I can't express here how much that sentence means to me. It has shot like an arrow straight into my heart and lit it up a little.

I an endlessly grateful.

Message me anytime.

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by JustDontAsk

Message me anytime.

I just might!

[JustDontAsk]

Whenever you want.

[okala]

Originally Posted by LiveThroughThis

Thank you for all your hugs and words, and for not telling me what to do/everything's-going-to-be-ok. If that were true, people would never commit suicide. I'm not saying I will or want to. But it is a fact.

Good luck. Sounds like a lot going on.

Regarding your suicide comment, things WILL be ok. That's the fact in life. People who commit suicide gave up and don't give life/themselves/time the chance to make things ok. Problems come, and most problems go. Remember that term paper you freaked out about at 15? That pimple at 17? No? Both seemed liked HUGE problems then. Now, they don't... do they? Not everything is as big as it seems, and some people give up everything for it. Problems that do exist can often be fixed-- terminal illness an obvious exception. I know a kid who chose suicide at 13 over issues with classmates. A few short years down the road, his life would have been different, and his 13 year old problems wouldn't seem so bad. People commit suicide because they don't understand that most problems are not permanent, but suicide is tragically permanent. And, most have mental illness and biological problems occurring that lead up to the suicide.

Once you feel 1) you have control over your life, 2) most problems are temporary... things seem a little better in life. It's empowering.

[LiveThroughThis]

Yesterday was draining, from the two severe panic attks, plus preceding events. Didn't stop me from being anxious/intrusive thoughts, etc. I wanted so much not to be alone. Times like that I wish someone could stay with me 24/7, and be a beacon of sorts to remind me this will pass. Because even after the dozens upon dozens of times i've experienced this, I always forget it will pass. It is so acute, and floods my entire brain/body---it's devastating.

I was finally able to use my sleep mask again last night, and much of today. My sleep has been off schedule, but still fighting the infection, I've just rested a lot anyway. I slept a lot today, and am still quite tired. PMS abounds, so I'm trying to remind myself that's what a lot of it is. My legs are already starting to hurt.
The anxiety has gone off somewhere for now, and I'm not quite depressed, just sort of, perplexed that today I'm laughing some, feeling more like me, (though still dizzy from the wonderful inner ear fluid.) Stupid ****ing Bipolar/anxiety combo; myself literally gets lost in the middle. Then when I recognize "me" again, I'm surprised and kind of observe it in a way.

I'm going to go ahead and address this, as I did create this thread. Anyone who wants to convince me of alternative thoughts/convictions, etc., please read the end of my first post. I refuse to debate ppl over what I choose to post about how I feel; it's pointless and won't change anything. I don't appreciate anonymous ppl coming along and trying to tell me what's what. I don't live in anyone else's skin, and vice versa; it's arrogant, projecting, and frankly, unsolicited. Thank you.

[okala]

Choosing to change our reactions to life is what empowers us. We can't control all circumstances, but we can control how we feel about them. Then, we can change our reactions and end up with a better, happier life. If your emotions are bringing a person down, they can either keep those emotions that bring them down... or chose to change how they react to their emotions and alter their emotions to some that don't bring them down all the time.