[hillbunnyb]

One of the obstacles I have come across in trying to define the difference between my processes and those of "normal" folks is that many times they have experienced/felt similar stuff and "they ain't crazy". Which leads to the "Get over it' comments that DO drive me crazy..... I've been studying on this for years, trying to get to bottom lines that simplify and illustrate the variables in the concepts.....

This is broad picture I painted that went over very well with my Mom and Sis on our recent miracle meeting:

Everything is a spectrum. An onion. To describe the pieces of the puzzle to be spectumified, I have boiled it down to the "4 D's and an F".

DEPTH-DEGREE-DIRECTION-DURATION-FREQUENCY

LIFE EVENTS HAPPEN: HOW far in did it go??? HOW hot or cold was it??? DID it aim for the heart, self esteem, or??? DID it come and go or last forever??? DID it happen once or 20 times a day???

Many layers of meaning to peel through within each category... Lots to chew on. The "4D's and an F" give stable points of reference to enable communication with self and others about these amorphous issues.

This rap was the one that brought my, " I don't ask, they'll tell me if they want me to know." Mom into the world of "I'm gonna ask more questions.". (Miracle number one.)

[lenjan]

WTG, bunny -- I think you nailed it! I'm going to print this out and use it with my family and friends! Thanks!

Candy

[SeptemberMorn]

))) Bunny ((( I admire your tenacity for exploring yourself and your relationships. If I could only do the same. It seems so foreign to me, for some reason. I can't find any whys or wherefores although I understand your concept of the onion perfectly.

[Hopefull]

Wow. That is a really good way to explain it. I have tried to explain in class on Mental health that mental illness is just a difference in degrees. I like your explanation much better. It includes my odd tendency to get sad and get stuck in it. I don't think my sadness is any worse than normal sadness except that sometimes I get stuck in it and can't grasp the obvious positive thinking of those around me.

[hillbunnyb]

Einstein called it relativity, I call it context. We can't afford to leave our assumptions alone, things are hard enough to sort with accurate information. Usn's have to find/create a neutral and calm point of view to begin work on the ppuzzle. I look at myself as my very own science experiment. I tell folks, "I am my life's work, and I am my petrie dish".

Ol' Humpty Dumpty ain't got nothing on us. All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put ol' Humpty together again, but, with the right help and meds and personal work, ol' Humpty can put hisself back together again!

or, alternatively, realize that being in peices is not so bad after all and learn to make the peices work together! both are equally great

Great point hilly!

Well i must be thoroughly testing my product

[hillbunnyb]

Yes, they NEVER go back the way they were. I am enjoying figuring out how to fill in the blanks now that I have my basic form back in line......

I have been collecting 1/2' thick granite, marble and limestone countertop remnants ever since the business opened 7 years ago. All different sizes and colors, from two square feet to barely there.

They have become my "River Runs Through It". A giant puzzle running through my house from front to back door and off to the sides here and there. It is sorta shockingly cool to see for the first time. It's not grouted or anythng, it just sits calmly on the floor all by itself.

When I was flipping through my brain files for an image to explain my multipliity and stuff to Mom and Sis, the River came to mind to illustrate my beingness.

It's like I got shattered and splatered and rolled and parts of me melted and parts of me crumbled and roiled and rolled and was sucked into myself and out of myself and pressed under the weight of the world and and etc, just like those rocks laying there on my floor.

The challenge is to take them as they are now and put them where I want them now. Make a pretty, useful, durable thing out of my pieces. Sometimes I have to whack one against another to break it down enough to fit.

The "negative" spaces, where the edges don't meet, collect dirt really well and are easily vacuumed out. I can also empty out some of my jars of pretty rocks and shells and tchatchkes
I've collected over the years and use them to fill in some of the blanks with happy memories.

AND if I decide to lift any of it up (bunny accident) cause some of the rocks and the floor needs washing, it never goes back down the same. Even if I think I remember where all the pieces go. It never works. I have to find a new fit.

It is sooooo me.

[SeptemberMorn]

)))) )) Bunny, you amaze me!! I see there's a whole bunch I can learn from you!!

At first I thought you would be a good sourse of understanding given the fact that I Very Strongly suspect that one of my gransons has Aspergers. But now I find that although I "only" have Depression, there is still SO MUCH I can learn from you in dealing with my own life!

[hillbunnyb]

Septy, Oooow yipppeeee, I'd hate to have everthing I've figured out go down with me. Take what you can use and leave the rest, just like AA!! (Notice how everything must be able to be seen as a picture for me to "get it"? That's an Asperger's trait.)

[SeptemberMorn]

I get it, Bunny! Max has to write everything down and draw pictures to go with it.

))) ))Bunny... Taking what I can use and leaving the rest is exactly how I do things!

As for pictures, the way I learn the quickest and the best, is by watching someone do it... or being able to look at detailed, step by step pictures! You can tell me until hell freezes over and I still don't know more than before. LOL

Reading instructions is second best but I still have to picture it in my mind!

So, Bunny... do you have high anxiety?? Max does...

[hillbunnyb]

HIgh anxiety...yes, for starters, my senses are on high and as a esult it is very difficult to find and environment quiet/calm enough for my senses to cool off. I cocoon in my bed under a heavy load of blankets with a pillow over my head and just my nose sticking out. (Fortunately its a big one.... hahaha)

Only after I get my senses calmedd down can I calm my emotions/emotional anxiety down. Ask him if he feels his clothes. Most people put their clothes on and forget about them. I am always aware of them against me skin....

Finding peace of body, mind, spirit has been a very hard thing to accomplish. I now have had enough glimpses to have an idea of what is different in me.

[SeptemberMorn]

I think he does have a sensitivity to clothes. Everything has to be really big on him.

When he was here on Mother's Day, I reached out and touched him gently a couple of times. Each time he said "OUCH!" I KNOW I didn't hurt him.

I had to crate my dog because she's so exuberant. He wouldn't come in until I did. He didn't like to touch or hold Jerry's ferret because of the fingernails. He thought his antics were funny, but he didn't want him anywhere near him.

Playfully and jokingly, my son held him tight a couple of times and told him to breath, to work it through. But I noticed that Max would settle down quite a bit after that. He wouldn't talk quite as incessantly for a while.

If they know he has Asperger's I doubt that they'll tell me. But my son knows that I catch on to things quickly.

[hillbunnyb]

Try asking permission/warning him before you touch him. Like, "Hug now?" as you reach for him, prepared to cut it off if he isn't ready. You'll find what works. I prefer side by side hugs with hip bumps for special occasions.

Also, having him lie face down, with pillows piled on top of his back or a person who holds very still ,hugging/ holding him from behind sorta, can be calming.

Petting is O U T ! ! ! for me. If you make physical contact, hold it still or you'll drive me out of my mind/body/senses. One of my worst fears is that I'll be incapacitated and somebody will sit by my bed petting me. BLAGH. I call that hell!!!!. I would never get a moment's peace.

The air from a fan, on low, across the room, "gets me"-- beacause it is never quiet and it moves the exposed hairs on my body. Irritates my limbic system. Never shuts off till I turn off the fan. Then my whole being sighs with relief.

[SeptemberMorn]

I'll keep these hints in mind, Hon. Guess that's what my son was doing when he held him. He was very still holding him although he talked to him. And he did hold him pretty tight. Next time I want to touch him, I'll ask him.

))) )))Thanks, Bunny!! It's pretty brave of you to expose yourself like this! I truly appreciate it and hold you in high regard!

[hillbunnyb]

No prob Septy. He's lucky to have you. Questions always welcome.

[walkswithspiritbear]

Well done Hillbunny. I always explained my feelings as a a mirror shattered upon the floor and never being able to get the pieces all back the way the they are "suppose" to go.... I like that river idea in your house... you are extremely creative from what I have read here.... and the others who also can pick up something from a picture... exactly like my hubby.. who always wants to draw a picture for me and there is no way for me to understand that point as my own mind doesn't go that way... I wish I could draw a picture for my husband to explain things to him , as then I think he might just might have a clue about me.... thank you for opening a new thought process for me here.... as I said I love the river idea and the onion is great also, I have used something similar in my life but not with the points so well given as yours thank you so much... sending a gentle hug .... Linda

[hillbunnyb]

Walkswithspiritbear, like they say, one picture is worth a thousand words.... patterns, anomalies, changes...... finding words for amorphous ungraspaholdables is my life work. It is kinda like another coming out to share my analogies.... I am ever so gratified that you and others here are finding them helpful.

Good luck communicating with hubby. Sounds like he's into trying new stuff to meet you half way. Pictures, music, grunts and hand signals.... whatever makes the connection, go for it.

[JustBen]

I love this post. Really well put. Nobody tells someone with cancer to "get over it" because they've experienced nothing like it themselves. But the same folks think that depression is just like their sadness and that social anxiety is just like their shyness.

[SeptemberMorn]

Bunny, another question. Do you have problems eating different foods? All Max will eat is noodles as in Mac and Cheese or macarroni and butter, etc. Last time I saw him he had red circles under his eyes and he was SOOOO thin!!

[hillbunnyb]

Septy, that could just be a kid thing. My neice lived on chicken noodle soup, a friend's kid Rramen noodles, I think noodles at that age is normal. And skinny. Weird, huh? Noodle eating noodle kids......

But, re: food/eating, that's a good one. If there is a buffet situation, see what he grazes on, if anything different, and add it to regularly available choices. That's one way I found new foods. But, noodles have always been my favorite way to carbo load. I just add more good things to the pot and cover it all with cheese sauce or cream of mushroom soup or tomato sauce or_______ now that I am a clear* thinking adult.(*hehehe)

I also have success with making my own smoothies in a blender. Fruit and fruit juice diluted with water. (I am overwheled by straight fruit juice.) It comes out smooth and homogenous and nice colors. You can hide protein like tofu or soy milk in here too. But you'll probably just have to wait for him to outgrow the macaroni exclusivity.

Remember to not take his reactions personally, he's probaly trying to cancel further input as he's already too full to process what's already stimulated his senses. Fried. Like that: "One nerve left and You're standing on it" poster. Back off time.

When the ol' brain is done, the ol' brain is done. It recycles on it's own schedule. The sooner I get to quiet, the sooner it can start to recycle myself.
I am just now sorta getting the hang of my ryhthm. I tend to want to live way more life than I can cope with successfully......

[hillbunnyb]

Uh Oh, I knew I was forgetting something obvious, but, I couldn't bring it to cognizance. Now I got it: VOLUME (as in loudness).

So, now it's: 4 D's an F and a V:
Depth, Degree, Direction, Duration, Frequency and Volume.

[SeptemberMorn]

Bunny, I'm putting all of your info and suggestions in a folder for Max and his mother. Remember, I'm not supposed to know about this. She is the best mother I know of and I know my son is commited to giving his boys the best life he can, so unless they are in denial, which I doubt, they're on top of his needs.

BUT... if I keep what you've said in mind and work it when he's with me, they'll see it and know that he's safe with me.

Yes! You bet "Volume" is something to watch! He's always been sensitive to anything loud.

[hillbunnyb]

Septy, good for you! and Max. Remember that his sensory glass is full to start. Easy does it, muffle it, dilute it, slow it down, seperate it into parts, whatever it may be.... he can't fit more in until he makes his glass bigger.

Find his comfort zones and join him in them. Some like to be rocked. Swing, hammock, rocker. For me, the, je ne ca pas, was this body work style called Trager. At the end of the session, while face down on a standard massage table, the practitioner put one hand in the middle of my back and one on my rump and gently created a rocking rhythm that went with my shape and gravity (didn't have to push hard) and I'll tell ya, I melted. Go figure. Better than a hot bath!!

When he shorts out, it's not personal. Stay neutral, low key and calm. Aim to quiet on all fronts.....Be prepared to go with his reation, not your intent. This stuff ain't linear, it's limbic. We're kinda feral.( Maybe that could be your special theme song with him :"Wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make everythng groovy....." it doesn't have to be heavy, ya know..)