[Ladyzero]

Well now I am even more depressed !
Allow me this pity party, to wallow in my misery soup, a while.
I was browsing on fb in the lonely hours of this morning and stumbled upon a friend I've been trying to contact. Good news then , I hear you say, well yes, so far, so good.
Then, I started to look through her friends list, as I would know a lot of them as we worked together years ago. I recognised people from 15 plus years ago, some friends of friends etc.

This is the bit, that sounds awful ! Unkind and downright mean, but hey, this is my pity party, it's me being honest.

What hit me, smack, in the face, is they ALL look so God damn HAPPY !
Every b l o o d y one of them looked so happy in their photos. Each with their respective partners, parading in cosy couple pictures together with their kids and grand kids. Holiday snaps, cosy little bars, or wild club nights out. Proud parents celebrating their kids graduations, weddings, and grand kids arrivals.
I have to say it was good to see all of them still (amazingly) with the SAME husband / wife, that they had when I knew them. That was good to see, how they've aged together, some more than others. They all now must have reached their silver wedding anniversary or more.

However, seeing the happy photos effected me, a lot. It sounds unkind, but it's true, I feel ENVIOUS of them. Envy, what an ugly word, an ugly trait.
I can't help wanting to be that happy again, to have FUN, celebrate my birthday with someone special instead of alone. I want to FEEL alive, like they do. I'm not kidding myself, no one's life is permanantly rosy, and on a social network site like fb, people don't load up miserable pictures, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON, without exception, that I knew from years ago had enough on their profile to show the world how their lives were going. One friend, along with various happy snaps, husband, kids, weekends away etc. had simply written in her profile ' I am happy'.

I don't want anyone to have a miserable life, like mine, but hey, I can't help wondering, why I was so unlucky. Why my life is so bad, a miserable excistance.

I have to admit how much seeing these profiles has really effected me. I honestly feel sick to my stomach. Really. I feel bad for feeling so envious but I can't help it, and it's made today's misery soup even harder to swallow.

It might be pathetic of me, unkind and childish to feel this way _

but quite frankly, I'm upset now, and even more low, tears are stinging my eyes, and falling as I write this.

I can't apologise for being honest and I'd welcome your thoughts.

Quite frankly, right now telling me to count my blessings, or list my qualities, or reasons to be grateful, would be pointless.

The fact remains, that I feel the way that I do. Can't help asking why, why them and not me. Happiness, I want some now, isn't that fair ? I want a happy life. A life again, a partner to love me, a job, my kids to respect me again. Just a happy life. Is that too much ?
There's a whole world out there, why am I feeling so left out ?

Truth is simply that.
I AM LEFT OUT of so many things, and stumbling across so many happy people has really brought it home to me with a huge
BANG ! A slap in the face, maybe.

I welcome your thoughts.

Thank you for reading, and sharing my pity party, with misery soup.

hey.

i don't think your childish at all- most of the time i feel the same way

i don't use facebook (i think seeing all those happy pictures would just throw me over the edge!) but what pisses me off is how everyone says... oh, my life is great, i'm with a partner, i've got a good job, a nice house, i love life...!. and go on about how everything is just wonderful

i find myself thinking... well then why me?. if evyone is happy and doing stuff and enjoying themselves, why do i have to be so unhappy

i find myself often ungreatful for the things i do have.

a house, food, water... some people don't even have that- but for me it is not good enough. for me unhappyness follows me everywhere.. and it really does piss me off.

you mentioned not being able to list the things you are thankful for or your qualities- same here

but i can say 1 of your qualities is saying it how it is... you're honest, and just out with it. that is far better than keeping it all inside

[Ladyzero]

Thank you S.S. Doll.

[elliemay]

well, if it helps - and it might, people don't really put the "whole" story up on facebook.

I mean no one is going to put the "this is the day I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed" pix up on their page.

Or the video of the hubby drunk and yelling.

I hear you though about the happy. There is one family that I'm friends with that WOWSA, puts my life to shame.

[optimize990h]

Well, I know I took the path less traveled. Although I did not think I would lose friends from social groups along the way. I know that I can say that I had experiences most people normally don't have. Plus, I think I would be more bored and feeling just as negative if I was one of the crowd. Yes, there are times when life seems miserable. But if I exist then I have some kind of purpose.(Hopefully it doesn't involve space aliens). ;-)

[Ladyzero]

Thank you all who replied above.

Does anyone else agree, with my thoughts, and feel the same ? Or at least understand ?

I'm not niave enough to think fb tells the whole story, but my point is EVERY SINGLE ONE had photos and comments from friends showing a HAPPY LIFE. It wasn't one or two photos, but long time lines of events, trips, holidays, birthdays, just their lives in general, some very mundane sounding. But they ALL had the one thing in common. HAPPINESS.
They are settled, in their lives.
( sounds boring maybe to some, but at my age, 52, I want settled, secure, content. I want to look forward to my old age ! )

Or do you think I am a miserable, unkind, ungrateful, old witch ? And I deserve a good slap !

I feel the way that I do. Period.
Therefore, I may not agree with your point of view, but I do nonetheless want to hear it ! Thank you.

ellie may,

while i don't disagree with what you said about the fb thing... people putting up depression pictures etc- i bet you that their are plenty of people who would quite happiliy put those types of things up..... not so much as a general status, but either to seek attention or because they simply have nothing else to talk about

[pegasus]

You know what they say, behind closed doors...

[unaluna]

Hey ladyzero - work on your next high school reunion. I worked on my 40th, it was a real eye-opener. Plus you are right, there are studies that show that looking at fb depresses you. But I get what you're saying - this isn't exactly where I thought I'd end up either. But I'm starting to build up momentum in changing.

Originally Posted by pegasus

You know what they say, behind closed doors...

i've not heard that one... behind closed doors what?

[unaluna]

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

[hiddeng3nius]

I completely get what you are saying! I left facebook altogether and part of the reason for that was because of feeling exactly what you are feeling. I, too, know better than to think that everything is peachy for those people but you can't help but feel like there is more good going for them than bad.

And it's not just an age thing. I'm 25 and feel the same exact way as you do seeing people my age being accomplished. But then again, I'm on a quest to finding my own path and what makes them happy might not make me happy as well. For example, sure, they might have a great social life but maybe what they look for in other people is suffice for them and not for me, if that makes sense. So instead of being envious that they have friends, I question how meaningful is their relationship with the people they know. Are they seemingly partying it up to exaggerate how great their life is or are they really content with their lives being at that place? But that could be my bitterness talking.

[yellowted]

i often feel as you do, i look around me and everyone is going somewhere with their lives and i am stuck in this h hole fighting for every little basic need. I never realised how life could change so dramatically until i became ill, never understood how someone can be totally alone in the world, but now i understand it, it is down to all those 'I'm all right Jacks' who look so happy but are really so shallow that they do not see or acknowledge when a friend is in need, and most of them would not be able to cope with half of what you have had to deal with. Unfortunately we have generated a throw away society, if its broke, dump it, unfortunately people are now doing the same with people, if something goes wrong in them they are dumped!

[venusss]

I have successful friends. I have rich friends...

but does others' success matter to our lifes? Would we be more happy if everybody else was less happy?

Obsessing over what others have will not help us. We need to work for what we want (and all I know is I really don't need to work for Hewlett Pakard... or that I don't need huuuuuuuuuuga condo in historical building (what you cannot see on Facebook - in wintertime a good chunk of your income will go to heating. And you'll heat it to "I am not freezing anymore" point. And I don't want to go to zilions of fabulous parties, because I rather sit at home with book).

Think to yourself: would you really want a job that is fancy but exhausting? Are you really the light of every party type? Are you the type that can keep many friendships and not feel bored at times with some people? (at times I think being social butterfly is more of unpaid job then fun).
One may be unhappy in their life... but if you were dropped into life of one of those you envy on FB... would you really like it?

[Open Eyes]

Well, when someone is experiencing depression, it is very hard to see the glass half full. It can become a habit to get caught circling the black hole drain in thinking patterns and one can become convinced that all they can do is remain in that circling motion around the drain.

When you look at others who seem to be living what is socially determined "the happy life", that doesn't mean these people are always "fulfilled". And I believe this is one of the reasons why we have the saying "ignorance is bliss".

Just because a person is married, has the house with the picket fence and has the family life, doesn't mean they are "totally content" or "even happy". However, it can mean that they can see the glass half full and "allow" themselves to be happy. But we all have life challenges and struggles and to just assume that other person is "happy" and "has that perfect life" and has more than you, and you are "doomed", is circling that drain thinking.

The better thinking is to allow yourself to be happy for these people, genuinely happy, and take pleasure that you didn't see FB images of illnesses, losses, tragedies, and that no one managed to gain any pleasure out of life. Understand that as happy as these people seem to be, that is also very fragile and could have a sudden and tramatic change for them. And odds are that these people will have to face challenges and suffer with a sense of tremendous loss.

Ask yourself if it would "change" your depression or sense of well being if you were to see that all these people were unhappy, homeless, divorced or strucken with some kind of terminal illness etc.

Perhaps you need to allow yourself to make more efforts to thinking about life and others in a more "collective" way where these people are actually part of you, and your human nature and that instead of turning to thoughts of "if others are happy and I am not like them I have failed or am just somehow unworthy".

You also must remember that the more someone has that they love, the more they have to lose and they are often very vulnerable, maybe more so than you. Personally I would much rather know that people I have had as friends are happy and engaged in their lives rather then me seeing them miserable an unfulfilled and I cant change that for them.

I have a friend that seemed to always be happy and was constantly off on some kind of vacation somewhere. Just recently I talked to her and she confessed that she has been unhappy for a while and spent way too much on all those vacations, and all she was really doing was just trying to run away from her unhappiness. That made me feel terrible, I would have rather known that she was happy, as I cared about her and genuinely wanted her to be happy.

I do understand that often it is hard when we look at the things we didn't manage to get in our lives, or we had some losses that were hard on us. I have been struggling with a bad case of PTSD myself and I know how hard it can be to have some "positive" thoughts. I have often longed to just be happy and hate just dealing with my condition every day. But I do make efforts to "look for" and "think about" whatever positives I can.

When I get to coming across the type of situation you are discribing, while I do allow myself to mourn whatever I have somehow lost, I also remind myself to consider what I have laid out here. Because my constant goal is to keep striving for seeing that "glass half full" instead of giving into that drain that is really alot more tiring.

Open Eyes

[LadyShadow]

I understand how you are feeling. Would you believe that I deleted all the people that I used to talk to that are happy and content? I just have miserable people on there like me.

It is pretty pathetic all together! I know I sometimes see happy pictures with people and families but it doesn't bother me like it used to.

My only advice is just delete those people or get off facebook all together. I hate to say that "out of sight out of mind" cliche but it has worked for me. I even deleted people that I like that did nothing to me, but I don't want to see the wedding or party photos that they are "tagged" in. I don't want to see them together having fun and living a "happy" life. Or better yet a happy "facebook life" because ultimately that is what it is because we really don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Good luck, I will hang out with you in your misery soup. I will pull up in my little tugboat and swim with you a while

[tigerlily84]

Yes I can definitely relate! I hardly ever log onto fb anymore. Not because I don't want to see pictures, but because I have pretty much lost interest in it completely. The other day I logged on and I saw that 6 of my friends are now engaged. 6! One of which is my 21 year old cousin. (She's way too young, IMO but that's neither here nor there.) And where am I? Alone. It sucks. The only thing I can tell you is just to avoid logging on. Focus on yourself, as others have posted. That's what I'm going to do. If you ever feel like venting, feel free to PM me.

[lizardlady]

Ladyzero, I've mentally and emotionally been where you are. Not on Facebook because it didn't exist at the time, but I'd look around and it seemed everyone was having a better, happier life than me. It stunk.

I've got to say that what you see on Facebook is probably not the whole story for these folks. People tend to post about the happy stuff in life. Like someone else said, they post pictures of happy events, not of hubby coming home drunk and beating the snot out of them. So what you are seeing is a very biased view of those people's lives.

However, when I was feeling the way you are hearing what I wrote above would not have helped. My depression had my vision of the world so blackened it seemed my life stunk and everyone else was happy, happy HAPPY. As I got better so did my perception of life. I hope that the same is true for you.

[possum220]

Dear Ladyzero, I know of others who have left FB because they were depressed by how other people seemed to be doing so well. Whatever site you are on, if it is causing you pain, stay away from it.

I met a person in real life. Then I found them on FB. Our accounts were linked and for some reason it broke my heart to see the way her life was going. She was doing well, travelling, had a relationship, having a baby. She is half my age. In the end the pain got so bad that I had to delete her. It was so weird but so painful. Since then I have deleted nearly all the people i know in real life and just play the zynga games.

I dont use FB as a social medium... Just for games.

Originally Posted by yellowted

i often feel as you do, i look around me and everyone is going somewhere with their lives and i am stuck in this h hole fighting for every little basic need. I never realised how life could change so dramatically until i became ill, never understood how someone can be totally alone in the world, but now i understand it, it is down to all those 'I'm all right Jacks' who look so happy but are really so shallow that they do not see or acknowledge when a friend is in need, and most of them would not be able to cope with half of what you have had to deal with. Unfortunately we have generated a throw away society, if its broke, dump it, unfortunately people are now doing the same with people, if something goes wrong in them they are dumped!

i can kind of relate to that too, yellowted

in my younger (non mentally ill days) if that's even a proper term?

but life seemed diffrent back then.. seemed like their was more joy in it- and more worth fighting for

listen to yesterday when i was young.. i can relate to the chorus of that a great deal (even though i think in the song it's meant as a diffrent context) but same thing.

There's a saying that I heard which is something like this:

"Don't compare your 24/7 life to everyone else's highlight reel"

Which means that you're basically comparing your entire existence to snapshots of happiness and fun from several different people rather than comparing your complete and daily existence to that of one other person.

I hope that makes sense.

Originally Posted by Ladyzero

Thank you all who replied above.

Does anyone else agree, with my thoughts, and feel the same ? Or at least understand ?

I'm not niave enough to think fb tells the whole story, but my point is EVERY SINGLE ONE had photos and comments from friends showing a HAPPY LIFE. It wasn't one or two photos, but long time lines of events, trips, holidays, birthdays, just their lives in general, some very mundane sounding. But they ALL had the one thing in common. HAPPINESS.
They are settled, in their lives.
( sounds boring maybe to some, but at my age, 52, I want settled, secure, content. I want to look forward to my old age ! )

Or do you think I am a miserable, unkind, ungrateful, old witch ? And I deserve a good slap !

I feel the way that I do. Period.
Therefore, I may not agree with your point of view, but I do nonetheless want to hear it ! Thank you.

I feel exactly the same way as you do! I'm a bit younger so maybe I have no right to feel that way...but I do.

I actually just deleted my Facebook so I'd never have to look at it again...probably the most extreme thing I could do, but I feel better now. (Not like I'm saying that you necessarily should delete it or anything, but it's an option).

Seeing other people talk about their significant others has led me to self-harm (as it upsets me because I've never had one and never will) so I mainly deleted it for my own safety.

[cookfan56]

LadyZero, I just now read your post and it occurred to me that this emotion has been part of my life the entire time I have a facebook account! Which is probably 2 years. For me, what makes it worse is that my husband is very social (I'm not) he had a long full life before he met me, he has a good job (I don't), and gets to attend all kinds of events I don't. Therefore, he himself is one of those people whose FB posts I don't necessarily want to see!

But the main issue is others. I literally cringe at the pics of those with big families who get along (our family is very small and barely gets along.) I only have one sibling who has refused to have anything to do with me for sixteen years and my husband's only brother is dead. Any pic of a woman friend with her sister (or sisters!) many of them have several is a stab in my heart. Our family has also moved around alot due to my husband's job, and for that and other reasons I personally never had had a large group of friends. Around here, almost off the women are constantly posting pics of their girlfriend groups, things they do with them, etc.

My envy is more for the many friends I don't have and the sibling relationships I don't have than for material envy. Material things are often "shams" in that some people buy with money they don't have and show off. But it's hard to "show off" friends or family members you don't have if that makes sense.

Yes, I truly have fb "depression" and wish I didn't.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Ladyzero

I can't help wondering, why I was so unlucky. Why my life is so bad, a miserable excistance.

The luck of the draw. Nothing you did to deserve this.

I have this relative on Facebook -- the fact that her husband has abandoned her with three children is seldom hinted at on FB. And she is a fine person...

[Ladyzero]

Hankster. Thank you for reply. High school reunion, ooh no thanks ! At 52, being totally honest, why would I ? People I last saw at 17. No way !
I have no desire to search for people I last saw as a teen.
To show them how my life turned out , what a wreck I am, what a **** fking life I have.
Real life Fb. OMG.

It's good you have it within you to change whatever is not good.
I wish dearly I could find it in me, to do the same. Find the strength to try even, be normal.
Care, feel, touch, see, listen, laugh, smile, enjoy, thank,
just LIVE really !