[birdcrazy]

As a child, I had severe emotional impairment that caused me to rage almost everyday to the point that I even had a personal aide in school. Now the content of school wasn't hard for me, but everything else was. I had a huge passion for birds and nature.

I was acting a lot better after high school and I went to college earning a double major in zoology and ethics of science. Then I went on doing a few seasonal jobs. I was learning what I was good at and what I was not good at and I was hoping I would get a great job.

But then I had a serious mental breakdown and I had to go on meds. I found out the meds and symptoms were interfering with me working. I gave up on my dream on having a good job when I deemed unable to work and put on SSI.

I was devastated, but eventually I got in a relationship and it was actually my first relationship at the age of 28! Now that man is my husband. He has a dream, he wants to be a daddy. Well I put all my self-worth into making that happen and the pdoc told me I had to make a major med change to make that happen. I went through hell. When I first changed my meds my brain couldn't handle it and it got so bad I was put in the psych unit for a while. The medication also made me sleep too much, and oddly I developed a severe speech impediment. Now the doc is pulling me off that.

Now I feel so worthless. My dreams are up in smoke, in fact a vocational rehab counselor told me to not look for a job. I can't even be like a normal woman and raise a child. My husband told me if he had my education and intellegence he would have a very good job and I don't know if he realizes how much that hurt. It hurts so badly now that we can't pay all of our bills and sometimes we have to deal with things like not having shampoo because we don't have the money to buy it. My husband also has mental illness and he's crying over me and also he's having increased symptoms of his illness.

I don't want to give up but I don't know what else to do.

[birdcrazy]

I guess nobody replied to this but now I'm scared. The first night I quit clozaril I didn't sleep well. Then last night, I didn't sleep at all. When I have problems sleeping, it usually means I am having mental health issues or it triggers mental health issues. My doc is unavailable on the weekend, not even on call the whole mental health place shuts down on Saturday and Sunday, but I don't think this is bad enough of an issue to go to the hospital over. I'm getting more hopeless.

[thickntired]

Hi,

I have crazy sleep patterns too snd it is often before mania. Try to do some relaxing things like take a long bath, light candles, play mellow music and know that you will see a professional to deal with this very soon.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you and your husband really struggle, and I am sorry that you were not able to have a child, but having a child is a big challenge, and such a big commitment, so it may be better that you and your husband don't ad that responsiblity into the mix.

We tend to draw a mental map of having this cute baby and perfect little loving adorable toddler running around, but there is a lot of challenge that comes with that, and always a chance a child can have special needs that are very demanding. And once we "have a child" as I mentioned we have very long journey of ongoing responsibilty, and we can't just one day say, well, I don't want to be a parent anymore. And having a child is truely a full time job and then some. So if you are not able to work and are on SSI, a child is not really a wise choice in my honest opinion.

We often think that we are missing out if we don't follow the normal "family path", but that is not true, there are plenty of things we can do and learn in life without having to be a parent.

What you need most of all now is to get yourself stable again and both you and your husband need to spend time planning a life you both can share that is going to not put you in a situation that causes you stress etc.

Maybe you can, after you get stable, figure out your own small business that is something you can do that you can manage and enjoy. Perhaps a small animal rescue or getting involved with building and supporting "habitat" developement for wildlife.
When you feel better, do some research on the various organizations that support wildlife management, rescues, and perhaps there is a way you can get involved that brings you personal satisfaction.

A dead end is not always a dead end, just a starting point to find another pathway.

Open Eyes

[Ave13]

My advice is to get off all junk food and eat only hi-alkaline fresh veggies and fruits and juices....and maybe the first two days do just the juices. Once you stabilize your chemistry you will feel stronger and more confident to tackle the issues ahead. You will be able to look at things more clearly including your own needs and dreams. The hardest part is taking that first step. But you can do this.....you might even "need" less or none of those psych meds.

[buzzie729]

Having a mental issue makes all of life's challenges ten times worse. You are not worthless. No one is. If you believe that you are, your life will not get better. I know it is hard to see beyond what is happening now. When in severe depression, it is hard to imagine a better life. Money problems just make things worse. Having the correct dowager in medicine is crucial. I can tell by your post you should be monitored more. After your moods are stable, it will be time to work through your problems. If you are struggling with money, it would only be worse with a child. The stress will cause serious breakdowns. Can you imagine trying to care for a child while feeling the way you do? I had to learn this the hard way. I remember feeling so depresses the thought of getting my daughter out of bed, feeding, and tending to her needs was almost impossible. You have to be mentally, physically, and financially prepared. I know this doesn't make you feel better, but maybe you can see that having a baby now would be bad for not only you but the baby as well. I started feeling better by volunteering. I have a difficult time working because I would call in when I couldn't get the energy to get out of bed. Volunteering was optional. I could choose when. It gives me something to do. It allows me to interact with people. Also be thankful for what you do have. You have a partner, a roof over your head and food. Happiness is a state of mind. Money is not everything. Not having children is something you have to accept. That sounds bad, but how is dwelling on it benefiting you? You also have to ask yourself exactly what the number one issue you are having. Then you have to address it. Writing is very therapeutic. You can ramble all you emotions. Anger and sadness can wreck your life. What makes you feel worthless? Would you think a friend was worthless if they were experiencing the same thing? What would you tell her? Try looking for a very part -time cash paying babysitting job. I have done this and it is a good way to make money without affecting your disability. You can do most of what you usually do while making money. How is your husband's illness making yours ' worse? What does he need to do to try to make things better? Try to break the barrier of your own negative perceptive. I had a difficult time with this. Then, every time I got upset I thought of ways it could be worse and that made it bearable. I wish you the best.

[Pikku Myy]

Same here...... feeling a bit out of control Hugs