Mental Health Stigma (with a Personal Experience)

Why is it, "normal" people expect normal behavior from those of us who can't always act normal, except when it comes to times they want to control us, and use whatever excuse or "evidence" they can think of (or make up) to take away our freedoms and rights?

That's a loaded question, I know. It sounds like I'm paranoid that something big is happening. Not quite, although I do have one concern, but I'll get to that after I share this little story my mom told me.

My mom lives in a housing development complex for elderly and disabled people. I do what I can to help her, but having OCD and panic disorder, I can't do a lot of things. It's not because I don't care or I'm selfish. My mom's neighbors and friends all tell her she should have nothing to do with me. When I have to take her to a doctor's appointment or somewhere else, I can't touch her walker to put it in the back seat. I feel embarrassed whenever anyone sees my mom doing so, because she's very physically disabled. (No, gloves won't help. I already wear gloves, but I can't risk being touched by the dust on the walker--it's dirty in more ways than one--and I can't have it touch my body or my clothes; it's awkward to try to get it in the car without it doing that.) I am very anxious whenever I take my mom out, or even when I have to get stuff for her (shopping, for example) and take it back to her, because I'm not all that comfortable with that apartment complex. It's kind of "dirty" to me, but the fact that I'm able to do what I do is an effing miracle and I've made huge strides in the last year and a couple months. I used to be much worse.

Early last year, I wasn't able to take my mom's car, but I made improvements and she wanted to get rid of the car because she was tired of the struggling with driving. She gave me the car with the condition I'd take her shopping, to appointments, and the like, as I'm able. We've been doing that.

One of her friends whom I've never met took her to a birthday party a couple days ago. She was in my area, and asked my mom where I lived, since she knew it was nearby. My mom told her she didn't remember the exact address, and said she's never been to my house (which is true; OCD and boyfriend are reasons why, it's nothing against her). I'm guessing her friend (I think there was one or two others in the car with them, too) wanted to pay me a surprise visit, with the intent of seeing my home and getting more information on me. Maybe she wanted to say some things to me, too. In any case, when my mom told her she's never been to my house (which is really my boyfriend's house), she told her if she was her, she'd have nothing to do with me. She says she knows I have "problems," but that I need to "step up" and do more.

This B**** has no clue how frustrating life is for me, and how I can't do so many things. She thinks because I can do this, I can do that; it's just that I don't want to. My OCD and panic aren't always logical. I don't know why, that's just how it is. She said if I can go to college, I can do more stuff for my mom. Well, I haven't been to college this semester, and I'm dropping out (and having to pay back 50% of the tuition that I don't have, since financial aid paid it), in hopes of attending in the fall. This is for health (physical and mental) reasons. Not that it's any of her business.

My boyfriend thinks my mom probably stirs up a lot of the comments, because she talks about me and doesn't know I know about it. Even when I lived with her as a teen, I would hear her talking about me, because I was only two small rooms away, and nobody else was there besides the person she was telling. Others have also told me things she's said. She expects me to be able to do things I can't do. My car (formerly her car) is messy, because I didn't have a bag or anything for trash, and I wear rubber gloves when I do things for my mom, so I just toss the used ones in the back, with plans to get them in the trash later (I'll need my boyfriend to help me with that). She saw how messy it was and starts in on me. Sometimes I honestly wish I hadn't taken the car, and not just because of this. There are lots of reasons. I like having transportation when I need it, but I could go back to relying on my boyfriend and be fine with it. Oh, I'd have some sad moments, but I'd get used to it again.

Just needed to vent. My mom's friends always talking about me, and probably my mom saying stuff, too. I can't always act normal, but people keep expecting me to.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is a controversial topic, but I'm not looking for a debate; I just want to make a point. The topic is guns. Americans are born with the right to own weapons, but some people want to take away that right if you are mentally ill. Now, I know some of you are anti-gun all the way, and that's fine, but what I'm saying is, they shouldn't be able to keep you from getting a gun simply because you're mentally ill, which is what some people want. I believe you should have to have a past which shows you to be violent or seriously threatening, before they can say you can't have a gun. I also think gun owners should be trained to use them properly. It's the discrimination against us as a group that I oppose; I'm not saying I want to get a gun or that everyone should own guns or no one should own them, but they shouldn't be able to take away our rights based on what they think we might do.

Those without personal experience of difficulties have a hard time understanding those who have such experience. (I should know; I was the same myself.)

Stigma definitely affects us. It's interesting how once your Dx comes up in a conversation or even the words 'mentally ill' people assume you have some kind of deadly contagion. They become more wary around you and talk about you when you're not around. "Watch out for so and so, she has *whispers* a mental illness."

To be honest my mental illness rarely shows its face
in public. On the surface I appear to be 'normal', but once the Dx or again the words 'mental illness' have been brought up, people definitely act differently.

The people whom I'm most close to and know me the best know the faces of my illness...HOWEVER, some of these people, despite being well educated and informed will regress to stereotypical thinking. They assume that because one person they knew or someone they had seen on tv with this particular illness thought one way, that I must think that way as well. Because of their preconceptions, I must resemble THAT illness rather than a person who suffers from her own unique form of that illness (because let's face it everyone's different). I've attempted (futily) to prove that I am not the stereotype nor that everyone who has this particular illness can be placed in a neat pigeonhole that is comfortable for them and precisely predictable.

People definitely need to open their minds...but I believe stigma is about fear. I try not to let it control me...which is especially difficult when there's discrimination involved...Discriminating against the mentally ill is IMO just as horrible as racism, homophobia or sexism...preconceptions based on stereotypes and fear...
I understand the pain on the receiving end.
I can only try to 'rise above' and know that these people act out of fear. Passivity is much more powerful than anger and hurt (which seems to only worsen anxiety for me personally). Best wishes.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I would THINK that your mother would be more understanding of this, and not talk with the neighbors about you. I find that to be very distasteful, and downright rotten. And then for the neighbors wanting to know where you live!! She shouldn't have told them -- if she did. Who knows what they had on their miinds! Closed minded people like that are apt to do/say anything. THEY sound more mentally ill than you do!

And I agree with you about guns. This country was born with the use of guns, whether people like it or not. And taking away our right to own them isn't the right way to do things. But I don't really think that's what they're trying to do. I think they just want to get the assault rifles gone -- not the regular guns that people own. For instance, I own a 12 gauge shotgun -- they aren't interested in getting rid of those. It's not an assault rifle. And handguns aren't either. They want the uzi's & such. So unless I'm reading things wrong, I don't think we have to worry -- YET. I DO think that Obama is a dangerous man. He has a "King-Syndrome" and we've got to watch him very carefully. If we aren't careful, we'll end up a socialist country -- and then civil war WILL become a reality. Just my opinion.

Take care. Hugs, Lee

Mental illness has more stigma than medical illness. Maven, the behaviour of your mom and loss of trust with her is much like my family(mother, sister, brother).

I have a "email sister" for gosh sake who I trust more than my blood sister. It's because we both suffer from mental illness and support each other though we live a long distance away from each other. And I don't feel bad that I trust Internet sister more. I look out for her and worry about her within reason.

Thanks, everyone. My mom didn't tell her exactly where I lived, but I think she told her the city. In any case, her friend somehow knew that I live in this area. Yesterday, my boyfriend should have had off from work, but because of some crazy stuff going on (he works with computers), he had to go in, and was unexpectedly very late before coming home, and he might have to go in this weekend, too. That's something I b****ed about in another post elsewhere on these forums. Anyway, my mom had an eye doctor appointment yesterday, but she was thinking of canceling due to the weather. She didn't want to risk slipping on ice with her walker, which has wheels. I told her to call me and let me know if she wanted me to take her, but she did cancel, so I stayed home. She told me on the phone that this friend...I'll call her "D," since that's what her name starts with...said I should take her, and when my mom told her she didn't want me to (or whatever my mom really said), she apparently knew my boyfriend was off, because she was saying he should take her. My boyfriend has done some things for my mom, mostly before she gave me the car, but he's not obligated to her and D needs to keep her mouth shut about things she doesn't know anything about!

Leed, I do hope you're right about guns. I'm not sure about all my opinions regarding different types of guns, but I do have a problem when a nonviolent group (and mentally ill persons are generally nonviolent) becomes the target of a law to ban something everyone else can have. I also have mixed feelings about Obama. I like some things about him, and I'm not a conservative (but also not a liberal--more in-between), but while I didn't want Romney as President, I'm not happy with Obama, either.

I've stopped expecting or even trying to help people understand my mental illness. If they haven't experienced it personally, they seem to have no clue what it's about or what it's like to be mentally ill. In my own experience, I've found that my family minimizes it, denies I have it, and never talks about it. They don't ask why I'm in therapy, what is bothering me, or how they could help. Even when I was hospitalized for feeling sui, nobody in my family ever acknowledged it. They have literally *never* even spoken about it.

As far as friends are concerned, when I fell very ill with clinical depression, I had 3 close friends. One of them I'd been very close to for 15 years. When I became very ill with clinical depression, she was not at all empathetic. She chalked it up to me just having a negative attitude and "wallowing in self-pity." Her remedy was to give me the tough love approach, telling me to basically "get with the program." All of her contacts with me were attempts to correct my thinking and get me to shape up. I finally had to ask her to stop contacting me altogether, because she was making me feel worse and worse. We didn't have any contact for 7 years, during which I experienced awful grief over the fact that somebody I loved and was so close to could misunderstand me so badly as to criticize and blame me at a time when all I could do was try to make it through each day.

Within the last 2 years, we have since resumed brief occasional contact by email, but she has never apologized and I never talk to her about my mental illness AT ALL. I know she doesn't "get it," and I don't expect her to anymore.

My second close friend attempted to help me with my depression, acting almost as a psuedo-therapist. She actually stuck by me for 5 years, listening to my problems and I got very attached to her. However, at some point, my problems became too messy and time-consuming for her. Also, in time, she became frustrated and angry with me for not taking her advice on how to solve my problems. She eventually gave me an ultimatum to solve my problems her way, or the friendship was over. Needless to say, it was over. More years of grief and loss. . .

My 3rd close friend probably handled it best. She was initially helpful in bringing me a comfort basket and listened a little bit to what was troubling me. But she lived a distance away and was very busy taking care of her little children. So she didn't really have time to keep in touch with me or offer any kind of extended help. Since she is really into herbal treatments and such, she would call me occasionally to try to sell me on this herbal remedy, or that one. But it sort of bothered me because she'd only call me maybe twice a year, and it seemed like the only time she called, she'd be trying to sell me something. I kept telling her that i was in therapy and on medication, and that I was happy with my current treatment. But I guess she thought she knew better what I needed.

Needless to say, NONE of my family or close friends truly had the capability to truly help me. They lacked knowledge about what mental illness is. They had no training in it, and most likely had never done research on it. So they each tried to help me the way that seemed best to them. Although well-meaning, their attempts were mostly damaging to me, in the case of friends #1 and #2, very damaging. And that damage has actually added to the time I've needed therapy because I've had to deal with the feelings of being misunderstood and rejected by people I loved dearly, and the loss of those relationships.

So I've learned the hard way NOT to talk about my mental illness to anybody other than my husband and therapist, and here on PC. It hurts like crazy not to have family and friends I can talk to who will understand and support me, but such is life. Because they don't have the insight to understand my situation, they can't communicate with me about it. Therefore, I have to deal with it the best way I can with the help I've got. That's why therapy for me is vital.

I also have learned to avoid talking about my anxiety and OCD whenever possible. Yesterday, in fact, I tried to drop out of college (I haven't even gone to any of my classes) with plans to go back in the fall. I tried to explain about my issues, and the advisor asked me if I've never had a panic attack on the college grounds? I said no, which was true, but he seemed to think that meant that I don't have problems going to college. My panic disorder is an ever-present thing that can occur anytime, anywhere, even though there certainly are specific triggers as well (such as bridges and tunnels). He told me I wasn't enrolled in Stage Makeup, which I most certainly was. I should have brought the printout of my classes with me (if I can still find it), because it's listed there, but for some reason, it's no longer listed among my classes. Two teachers dropped me out of their classes since I haven't been there--I've been meaning to get to the college and drop out; I have until the 19th and will have to pay back 50% of the financial aid, which I'm prepared to do. He noted my Spanish class was online and cheerfully told me I should give that a go. So, I crossed the floor into the bookstore, and I was told I had $92 left in my financial aid, and that the books and CDs I need for that class is over $300. I have it, just barely, but I'm going to go back Thursday and withdrawal completely. I just wanted it done yesterday!

I'm wandering off-topic, sorry. My mom's friend keeps on with her comments about how I'm a bad daughter who should be doing more for my mom. I'd like her to say it to my face, but I've never met her. My mom wouldn't like the things I'd say to her if she did tell it to my face, and I don't want to hurt my mom's friendships, but I do have a few choice words for her, LOL!

I really want to reply to this but can't formulate the reply without getting extremely upset/angry so....hopefully later :/

I've experienced the Stigma aspect of which all of you are talking about. people talking about me behind my back, not trusting my decisions, people expecting me to do things or just not understanding why i do some things and not others.I sounds like you have no control in your life because of your mother. People do come and go as i've found out once they found out you are having problems, It's nobody's business about you helping your mom out and if they think you're so bad to being watching over her ask them if they would ever do such things for their own family members.