What is it in our biological make up...

that gives us a constant need to seek our parent’s approval, no matter how crappy they treat us?

Recently in therapy, I suppose a few weeks ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt really bad about myself because I’m 26 years old and I have accomplished nothing with my life. I have no college degree. I have no career. There is one thing that instantly pisses me off…when someone tells me I’m extremely intelligent.

Why?

Here’s the thing. I feel like I’ve been built up to be more than I am my whole life. My parents always told me that I was a genius. I was always in magnet programs and in advanced classes since I was little. I was a mathematical savant when I was little until I got my TBI when I was around 11. That TBI, I feel, destroyed my hopes and dreams and my parents hopes and dreams for me. I now test mentally retarded in math. I tested at genius levels before the TBI (traumatic brain injury). Yes, I know I’m decently intelligent. But I can’t stand it when people tell me that I’m so super duper smart. I scored a 132 on the WAIS-III IQ test. Big freaking deal, I’m a good test taker. If I’m such a genius, why am I 26 and a complete loser in life? If I had done something with my life, I could be in my surgical residency by now. But no, I’m a pizza delivery driver. My therapists always tell me that I’m incredibly smart, and every time they do, I feel violent.

And I know that my parents are ashamed of me. They expected me to be more. And I feel like I’ve let them down. At 26, the only thing I’ve accomplished is being in and out of mental hospitals…dropping out of 3 different universities…being homeless for a period of time…being a drug addict for a period of time. I never lived up to what I should have become. And I am angry, because I know my family is disappointed in me. And I am disappointed in myself. I could have done more, and just knowing that pisses me off.

But who cares. I have an amazing girlfriend. We both want, more than anything to have a wonderful family. I can return to school at some point and become something. And I can make my own life, my own dreams, my own goals. And it doesn’t matter if it’s never good enough for my parents. Michelle told me that I need to radically accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough for them, because I am never going to be the top surgeon in the country…and even if I was…it would still not be good enough for them. Because I am mentally ill and I am a lesbian.

But why does it bother me so much? Why does it irritate me and sadden me to my core when my parents sigh on the other end of the phone, or give me that look that they don’t approve or that I could have been more? Are we born with some biological need to strive our entire lives to seek that desperate approval from those that birthed and raised us? Is it some sick, twisted basic need that evolution has programmed in to us? Why do I call them with the pithy excitement that I may be getting a promotion at Domino’s, knowing that it’s not good enough for them?

/rant

Intelligence doesn't automatically mean "high achievement", but a lot of people link the two things together and it can make life seem hopelessly frustrating especially when the constant disapproval is coming from your parents as well as yourself. Being more intelligent than average means you have certain advantages, but achievement wise I'm thinking that highly intelligent people aren't much different from everyone else.

I've been IQ tested too and I got a high score, but I still haven't gone to college and I haven't done a lot of things that many people feel that I "should" have done by now. I'm in my 20s as well and I don't have much to show for it. I'm never good enough for my parents either. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know what it's like to never be good enough no matter what you do or don't do. I think it bothers you because they are your parents, it's natural and normal to want their support and approval. It's one thing to know logically that it's likely that nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, but accepting that on an emotional level is easier said than done.

Atypical has some really good points. We do strive to please our parents. They smiled and cooed at us from day one like we could do no wrong then you realize at some point in your life that they make you feel differently. They may just be scared. Some parents measure their success by the success of their children.

What is success anyway. Sounds like you have an awesome partner who understands you. Many "millionaires" never experience that. Who knows what the future holds. Success of the very best kind may come to you in a week....or later in life. No one knows just yet when. If we measure ourselves with a whip it will surely hurt.

To aspire to meet your "potential" is great but enjoy yourself in the process or life will pass you by. Be kind to yourself....

Wishing you well

I can relate to being intelligent and have issues. I'm just guessing, but maybe you are a bit like me, I test about where you test, but I can't do anything with it. For other reasons I can't put things together and make something out of what I should be able to do, and I have never known anything else, but it is mega frustrating because it feels like I should be able to, still there are obstacles huge enough to stop me.

Whatever it is that needs parental approval, I don't have the need. I have finally realized how rare that is. Maybe why I don't have the need can explain why..? I have always been very independent. I think that is one part. I have never seen my parents as someone wiser than myself. I know that sounds a bit crazy. Also I think we had very lose bonds in my family. Sure I am attached to my parents, but that is more a feeling that happened past I was 30. When I was younger, I didn't see them as closer to me emotionally than others. They probably felt different, but they didn't show it. They have never encouraged me and never said they love me. I think their emotional lack of reaching out (even if I do think they loved me) coupled with my self dependency and lose bonds to them made me not care about what they thought.

It might sound bad, but the way I am as a person I feel they gave me a lot of freedom, and I wouldn't trade it for "love". They didn't probe into my private emotions and physically I could do almost whatever I wanted. Since I would have been independent even with closer parents, I actually prefer to have more distant ones, because they never used bonding in a negative way the way most parents do, at least at times.

I don't want to impress on them. That doesn't mean I tell them things. I know some stuff they would not accept so I keep that a secret. I feel there is no use upsetting them. I'd rather we function on a more superficial level. It's not before my father divorced and remarried and compared to new wife's family that he understood that it is normal to be closer to the children. So he tried to make up for lost times, which is nice in one way and annoying in another.

And doesn't mean my parents don't claim ownership of me, they do, they treat me worse than they would a stranger. I treat them well. I never do anything back because I feel that is wrong.

I do feel like a failure but my parents have little to do with it. I more feel that way because I have talents that I cannot use because my brain is evilly set up for wanting to do something worthwhile, having some talents, but also having a lot of things getting in the way. I don't think my parents would been able to make me overcome the obstacles because they seem to be built into my neurology.

But I assume there is a meaning to strong family bonds. People through the ages would not have survived without strong bonds.

As very young children we are entirely dependent on caregivers for our lives. We must have their approval. If they don't approve of us they might kill us, or leave us to die. The need does not have to be overpowering for an entire lifetime, but it is a strong, built-in need. It makes sense.