[TheNextOne]

I don't think this is a social disorder per se, but I was wondering what other people thought of it and who could relate, or whether it perhaps is related to some disorder or something.

Most of you will probably be familiar with hanging out with a group of people socially, especially at a pub, bar or restaurant etc. One thing you'll probably notice about the other people is that they'll engage in convo, be focused on the discussion in the group, be laughing/having fun, focused on the immediate situation etc. On the other hand, I always seem to be the one who's sitting there, looking around the room, thinking about other things. If I make a joke I'll often analyse it in my head to determine whether it will be worth saying beforehand.

Simply put, half the time I'm out somewhere with a friend I'll be off in my head or "analysing" other people in the immediate vicinity, thinking about what they're doing etc. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy socialising at times and it's not because I'm bored, it just seems to be my default position to revert to thinking about things whenever someone isn't otherwise directly engaging me in conversation. I often think about what I could be doing at home, what I could be learning, what I should be doing for university etc. At other times I'm thinking about my body language, how I'm sitting (or walking), how I will be perceived etc. In a sense I'm purposeful about things I do socially, as though they have to go through a filter before I allow them to transpire physically.

Does this sound familiar to anyone, is it weird behaviour or a disorder or something, or perfectly reasonable and common to normal people? Just curious.

Thanks.

Sounds very familiar.

I don't know how people can just throw themselves into social situations and keep the same pace going for hours on end. I suppose it's because they're fairly relaxed in that environment so they CAN sustain it and are willing to chat throughout.

I am very circumspect with my face to face socialising, wonder what to say and when, and worrying about how it will be received. I have so much anxiety invested in each sentence is why I take so long to talk and why it's so hard to maintain.

[BeeKeeper]

Sounds very familiar. I have to try very hard to remain present in many social situations.

[ECHOES]

In a sense I'm purposeful about things I do socially, as though they have to go through a filter before I allow them to transpire physically.

That is an interesting and insightful observation.

What purpose does the filter serve?
I could be many things, all of them fears.
Cautiousness is a protective behavior, something done to protect you, and keep you safe. That doesn't mean there is danger, just that there are things that feel dangerous to you, so you take precautions. Identifying your fears while help you understand this more.

For example, for me, it could be a fear of looking/sounding stupid which encompasses a fear of not being liked or of rejection. It could be the opposite - a fear of intimacy, a fear not of being left out (because we stay out, where it is comfortable), but a fear of being included, drawn into, .. and maybe being taken over (lose our identity).

It's fun to explore these kinds of things. I don't know a lot but what I'm aware of, I learned in my therapy with a psychoanalytically trained psychotherapist.

[TheNextOne]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

That is an interesting and insightful observation.

What purpose does the filter serve?

If I were to take a guess I'd say the overwhelming likelihood is that it allows me to control the way I'm perceived so that others will see me how I want to be seen, rather than how I may otherwise naturally appear. Then again, my personality gets convoluted in this manner and the behaviour is technically part of my personality (i.e. to present myself in certain ways and control myself) thus it's hard to say whether or not it would be considered a semblance.
Regardless, all human beings do this to an extent when they put on nice clothes, exercise (to an extent), and do their hair etc. But for me I think I've just always preferred the ability to control it even moreso. I completely understand that certain things that are beyond my control, but those that aren't I like to model how I please.

[H3rmit]

The purpose of the filter is to save face for all concerned, in my case. I've been told what I say seems unedited. It's just my native standards are utterly unlike the norm. I couldn't even see the norm. I had to try and learn it and it still fits about as well as starched cardboard underwear after you went out in the rain. The purpose of the filter is to attempt to cultivate some semblance of belonging. Can't be myself with many people, just husband.
My two bits.

Not about fear, per se. More about maturity (effort towards) and avoidance of predictable suffering and disadvantages.

[TheNextOne]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

The purpose of the filter is to save face for all concerned, in my case. I've been told what I say seems unedited. It's just my native standards are utterly unlike the norm. I couldn't even see the norm. I had to try and learn it and it still fits about as well as starched cardboard underwear after you went out in the rain. The purpose of the filter is to attempt to cultivate some semblance of belonging.

The only standards I attempt to fit into are my own, so for myself it's not a matter of fitting in with what society wants, but what I want. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I usually act a given way to manipulate my surroundings, which actually sounds kind of bad. Regardless, I mostly act the way I want to be perceived because I will get something out of it, not because society necessarily will. That being said, I don't go around treating people badly or anything like that.
All human beings do this to an extent, often on a subconscious level, a typical example being the way a man and a woman act when they like each other. Without often even realising it, their behaviour changes in an attempt to attract the other person. I tend to use the same psychological principles about how people perceive one another, how body language works, how suggestive attitudes work etc. to behave in a way which is desirable to myself. I don't tend to just blatantly manipulate people though, I don't really like doing things like that, it's more just playing around with the psychology, at least part of it is, the remainder is just me being ruminative and pensive at times. If all of that makes sense, haha.

[thickntired]

I totally get what you're typing. I get panicky in social settings and ultra sensitive about how I come across. At work I used to be afraid of yelling inappropriate comments or making sexual advances to my boss. It's like my senses are magnified by a million when ppl are looking at me. I also am neurotic about how ppl treat me. I often imagine their mad at me or think I'm mental. My problem was I'd take Valium then drink & blackout over social
Situations. Since I joined AA and quit the pot my anxiety levels have diminished, but I still over analyze the way people act towards me. It's like a horrible form of bring self-centered.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[LovelaceF]

I have this sort of filter too. It goes away if I drink, and sadly, people like me better when I drink. It is not something that I do consciously but very often the first thought that enters my mind is not the one that I speak. Usually I will say the third or fourth thought, which I think people can sense on some level. I hate it!

For me, this is definately a trait of having avoidant personality disorder. When I'm talking to someone, the filter is gone and it doesn't matter..

Because after all, talking is socially acceptable while not talking and just sitting there isn't. Apparently, thinking is weird and is not allowed.

Moving position gives the illusion, mostly in my mind that the present possition has expired and the past possition has been forgotten.

I usually have to focus on paper work (which I do not care about in the slightest) so people think I'm doing something and not being anxious.

This sucks.. It really does..

[spondiferous]

I do this all the time. In fact it's unusual for me to follow a thread of conversation for more than about five or ten seconds, uninterrupted. I have really just noticed the extent to which this affects my social life in the last year or so. It really has quite an impact.

I am hard of hearing and I didn't get hearing aids til about a month ago, so that was a big reason, I found. I just couldn't follow conversations, whether in a loud room or a quiet one, so I got into the habit of tuning people out, partially to divert the pain and embarrassment of always feeling left out. Now I have the hearing aids and I still do it. I have to really channel my energy to focus on what's going on right in front of me. I find it very challenging.

[jazelle401]

Quoted from The Next One: If I were to take a guess I'd say the overwhelming likelihood is that it allows me to control the way I'm perceived so that others will see me how I want to be seen, rather than how I may otherwise naturally appear.

I could not figure out how to quote, so I pasted it above.

I feel so often that I am monitoring myself and surrounds and reactions of others. I often wonder what they are really thinking. I think this is due to my fear of being seen as I am really am...depressed, overwhelmed and anxious. I don't want to be these things and I don't want others to know I am.

It is often very uncomfortable and due to this I tend to avoid social situations because they feel so overwhelming. I don't like me, so why would anyone else? I often feel like a pretend person.