Lost Children, Behind Bars...How I relate.

Last night I watched a Prime Time special called, Lost Children Behind Bars. It was about teenagers in the legal system, and a bit of how they got there and what happened to them after their release. It touched me personally because I was detained for four years myself, right when I turned 14, till right before I turned 18. It was on and off, and I went from facility, to detention center, to institutions. I've been to all of them.

The show mentioned how the majority of teen girls that are locked up grew up in single mother homes with no father figure. They also had a very unhealthy and destructive relationship with their mothers.....exactly like me.

It just so happened earlier that day, I was at my moms house doing laundry, and while I was waiting for the dryer to finish I was laying on the couch and had both my babies laying on me. My mom looked at us, and I asked her if my sister and I were ever as attached to her......this is what she said.

"I resented you guys, I was always angry because I had to do it all alone. When I got my 4 wisdom teeth removed nobody would take you guys so I could rest. When the heat in the house got turned off, nobody would let us stay with them...so we had to stay in a homeless shelter. I never kissed you guys because deep down I despised you".

I was hurt when she said this, but then I understood why, when I turned 13-14, I was so angry and out of control. It all began after my mom abandoned us.

My mom took 50 grand, left us with our dad, and did not talk to us for 6 months. When she finally called she was staying in the hotel and did not have a dime to her name.

The destructiveness, the hurt, me feeling unloved and unwanted was all true. That's where my anger and desperation for love stemmed.

((((((des))))))) what horrible things for a mother to say. My heart just breaks for you! You are such a strong young woman!! Hang in the best you can hon.

(((((((((((((((((((desirae))))))))))))))))))))))))

i am at a loss for words.. other than this:

we have choices... we all make our our choices in life. all thought your childhood may have been bad.. YOU have mad ethe choice to be the best you can be for your kids! that is what is important... you have been down that road of loneliness....because of that, you kids will be better for it!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry that this happened to you!!

Thanks Be, I know I should seriously be hurt, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as it should, I think it's because I've always known this, even as a young child I know Mommy didn't value my sister and I. I also adapted and stepped up as a caring mom for my sister when I was very young, it's strange how children make up for what they lack.

Des you know it!!! I always knew my mom didn't love me too. it is hard for a child to know that!

Thanks Mel, I agree, through this pain I faced as I child, I now know what exactly NOT to do with mine. I know how important loving kisses, I love you's, and attention is for a child, especially since I know what it feels like to lack them.

i know that pain of lack of attention and love and i alkso know the pain of other things as well... i know what works for my kids and what doesnt....
they always say what doesnt kill us... makes us stronger.... i am a firm believer !!!

)))))))) ) )) )desirae (((((((( ( ((

(((((((((((((( desirae )))))))))))))))

I think that the strangest thing about parents is that we mostly learn from them what we "DON'T want" to be like. I think it is positive both ways because learning is the most important thing in our lives & whether we learn what we don't want to be like or what we want to be like....both are learning processes.

I know my parents tried to be loving....I didn't want their love (now that is a change). I learned from both parents what I didn't want to be like.....& even in my mothers death, I realized that I don't want to be anything like her.

One word you used was "what you SHOULD feel". I guess over the years I have realized that there is no should feelings....we just react the way WE as ourself react & we are better off usually if we don't get into the feelings that we SHOULD feel.

You are strong to have gone through the feelings you went through, but even through it was a bad experience with your mother, you are not repeating the same mistake with your own children.....you know how it feels & you know what feelings you needed and are providing that to your children. That is wonderful.

Debbie

Des, I hope this makes sense. You have lived your life determined to be different then how you were raised. The best revenge is to do well, you did not deserve your mother, no child does. And sadly yes, there are millions of mothers out there who hate and torture their children. I am seeing it talked about more and more. I have been with an 80 year old friend a lot lately and her mother was a barbaric person... I won't mention but it is as old as time. Cherish those babies and know they have only one childhood and one mother.

I agree Wisewoman, my best revenge will her seeing me succeed and wishing she could be a mother like me. Thanks so much for the kind words.

It's hard when a parent says such horrible things, but at least it wasn't a surprise to you. You can only be a better parent to your own children. Sounds like you're doing a great job of it.

Thanks Maven