[AAAAA]

A few weeks ago my mother totaled her car. My husband is helping her find a new one. The title was in the car so she had to get a replacement, which she did in her own sweet time. We called her two weeks ago and asked if she was interested in new ones as they were only a couple of thousand more than the certified. Long conversation, nope she wants the same model she had. Fine hubby picked out three cars for her to look at after the wedding. She called yesterday. I have to drive four hours to pick her up Thursday and bring her shopping! Oh and now she wants a new one. She won't look online to see if she likes the new version she'll "figure that out when she gets there". Mom you do realize that I am putting together a wedding in TWELVE DAYS. I do not have time to waste shopping for a car for you! She says "I know, but I really appreciate it." Grrrrrrr

[Travelinglady]

I know it's hard to understand, but I totalled my car awhile back and it can be an emotional ordeal. Plus, I guess she is anxious to get some wheels again, so she can be able to get around.

It is unfortunate it occured as wedding plans are being made. But I can understand how she might be a bit irrational right now.....

[AAAAA]

Thanks for your perspective Payne. The car she totaled was 6 years old and she had less than 30K miles on it. She workers, doctors, shops, literally less than a block from where she lives. I understand that just knowing she doesn't have a car right now must be frustrating. But I would expect her to do the bare minimum. I asked her to go to toyota's website to take a virtual tour of the new Rave 4, at least check out the colors that she'd like. She won't even do that. "We'll figure that our when we get there." I don't have that time to waste and she knows that. She also asked "while we're down there can we go..." I said, you'll have a car, if you want to run around after that, that's up to you, but I have stuff to do. She wants me to go with her. I'm perfectly willing to take her whereever she wants to go on April 15th. Until then my time is booked up. It's like she feels that she has to have equal attention.

[lizardlady]

AAAAA, could she rent a car until after the wedding? It would give her wheel to get around and you would not have to drive her around.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

AAAAA, could she rent a car until after the wedding? It would give her wheel to get around and you would not have to drive her around.

This is one of the aspects that makes me insane. She had 21 days of a loaner. When she went and got the car, I asked why she wanted to get it now? Was she planning on going somewhere? Her response was "why not". Well the why not is : you did not need it then, you may need it now.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I asked her to go to toyota's website to take a virtual tour of the new Rave 4, at least check out the colors that she'd like. She won't even do that. "We'll figure that our when we get there."

I think I would have put my foot down at that point and said, no, you have to do your bit. Maddening.

[possum220]

Put the ball back in her court. Tell her that she needs to check out the colors first. Until then you wont take her shopping. The sellers may not her desired color in stock and they would have get it from some place.

Other wise...... just a straight out no.

[ECHOES]

Sounds like it might be necessary to be straightforward and tell her that she will need to rent a car for now, because you have other commitments and you don't have the time you'd like to give her for helping her find a car.

Or, if your husband can help her while you are focused on the wedding, maybe it might get both of them 'out of your hair'

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Sounds like it might be necessary to be straightforward and tell her that she will need to rent a car for now, because you have other commitments and you don't have the time you'd like to give her for helping her find a car.

Or, if your husband can help her while you are focused on the wedding, maybe it might get both of them 'out of your hair'

That would be an excellent idea. EXCEPT, my darling husband decided that today he was going to finish the livingroom floor. Talk about waiting until the last minute! We've been installing hardwood floors since November! I had already accepted that the floor wouldn't be finished in the livingroom. I know how he is, so I've spent every second of the last few days ripping out the carpet, pad, and moving the furniture. So all he has to do is cut and staple.

Her insurance check has not arrived yet so she may have to wait until she comes down for the wedding after all. I did send her the URL for the exact dealership that we would be going to, so she could check out the colors available. She still has not done that!

[Perna]

I'd rearrange my schedule and play "hooky" from wedding planning and see if I could find something to enjoy about the day and warn Mom that during the wedding she's not going to get as much attention/time from you (and I'd try to assign one of my other children "the duty" of keeping an eye on her).

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by Perna

I'd rearrange my schedule and play "hooky" from wedding planning and see if I could find something to enjoy about the day and warn Mom that during the wedding she's not going to get as much attention/time from you (and I'd try to assign one of my other children "the duty" of keeping an eye on her).

That has already been assigned to my middle son and my daughter . The son that is getting married is coming home on Sunday. With all of the crap going on I've almost forgotten completely about that!

[AAAAA]

I have lost my patience. She called complaining that her check has not arrived yet. I asked her what the hurry was, we had already planned on picking her up the day before our son's wedding already. (We do have family coming from that area, but she will not ride with them because she is a smoker and she cannot smoke in their vehicle.) She informs me that she made a hair appointment the night before my son gets married. Cut, color, perm from 6:30 - 10:30. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Your grandson is getting married and you expect me, his mother to wait until 11 pm or later (she will not pack in advance) to leave your house and drive four hours back to my house the wee hours of the day of my son's wedding?!? THAT is not going to happen. She said "we can leave in the morning." MOTHER, I have my own things to do!!!! I cannot spend four hours the day my son gets married driving you to the wedding! Now I understand why she's freaking out, she knew I would not do this. If she wants to be late for her grandson's wedding to get her hair done, I will never forgive her for that. I told her I've done all I can. She's on her own.

[(JD)]

She's an adult. Let her figure it out...like renting a car (most policies have that in them) ... she totalled her car, you didn't. Some actions have consequences, don't let them be yours any longer.

The car is a temporary issue... a wedding is for a lifetime of memories!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

That would be an excellent idea. EXCEPT, my darling husband decided that today he was going to finish the livingroom floor. Talk about waiting until the last minute! We've been installing hardwood floors since November! I had already accepted that the floor wouldn't be finished in the livingroom. I know how he is, so I've spent every second of the last few days ripping out the carpet, pad, and moving the furniture. So all he has to do is cut and staple.

Her insurance check has not arrived yet so she may have to wait until she comes down for the wedding after all. I did send her the URL for the exact dealership that we would be going to, so she could check out the colors available. She still has not done that!

Okay, so you tell her that you will help her with the car business after the wedding. In the meantime, she can rent a car and she can drive to the wedding also, since she now has plans into the evening that she wasn't thoughtful about making.

[brokenhearted</3]

that sounds very frustrating

[sunblossom]

Do you think maybe this has nothing to do with the car but all to do with boundaries and control? I can so relate to the push pull you are describing. Never is enough enough for some folks. We can give, accommodate, re-arrange our lives and still they will ignore, minimize and discount our needs and wishes. Somewhere along the way we gave them that power over us. Same with your hubby there and the floor. I can so relate.

Since all things happen for a reason maybe think about what is going on behind the scene here and determine if taking a stand and setting some boundaries might not be timely. Its hard because holding true to the boundaries with people who have had a lifetime of successfully manipulating you is no small task. So we tend to defeat our own efforts thinking it is easier 'this time' to just give in and do what they want and hopefully there will be enough time to get the rest of everything done too.

In my case I recognize the harm the pattern of people pleasing has done to me but I still struggle to not stress myself into decay trying. I want everyone to be happy. I want to help anyone who asks. I want to make life easier for people and it seems I will trade off my own well-being in the process.

To set boundaries is really hard for me even when I know it is the only way out of the spin cycle I put myself into time and time again.

I hope everything settles down for you soon and you have the chance to enjoy the blessings of the wedding. Mum may be a pain in the butt right now with all of her demands and conditions but on the big day all will be forgotten and the joy of family will fill your hearts again.

Do what you can and ta heck with the rest. Take it or leave it mum.

[AAAAA]

I've given this a great deal of thought since her fourth call this evening. When my father died 8 years ago, this independant woman became helpless. She cannot (rather will not) even call Direct TV to change her plan. (She's a receptionist fyi). I think she judges how important to us she is by how many hoops we'll jump through.

On the third call, my husband came in not knowing I was on the phone and asked me to come down and check the layout of the flooring. I took that opportunity to get off of the phone because I was going to end up saying something that I would regret.

She called back 20 minutes later and asked if my husband was finishing the floor today. Yes, mother I TOLD you that. I told you that you had to know what you wanted because he has to be finished before he leaves for Chicago to pick up our son. Remember? I was unhappy about this because I'd just finished spring cleaning the kitchen and now saw dust is going to be everywhere and I'm going to have to start from scratch? In fact I asked if you were going to stay the whole weekend to help me clean up the mess. None of this is ringing a bell. She'll call if her check is deposited into her account tomorrow and then I can come and get her. MOM you CANNOT buy a car in Wisconsin on Sundays, I've told you that! I work from 3 am to 2 pm Saturday, then I have plans to go shopping with my daughter. I still need a few things for myself, or I'll be attending the wedding without underwear or shoes! She is just pretending not to hear a thing I say and I'm going to snap.

[Maven]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have some similar issues with my mother, but I feel too guilty to yell at her or always tell her the truth and how I feel. I don't want to make her cry (and she will if I tell her some of the things I think and how I feel), and I know she probably won't be around for much longer (she's 79), and even though when I was younger, I don't think I was bad or "wild" as she said, I know I won't change her opinion and just live with it.

Sorry, not trying to make my problem take over your thread, but I just mean to express a similar frustration with my own mother. She forgets a lot, gets grouchy and snaps at me when she's having trouble breathing (because she pushed herself to do more than she should have), snaps at me for other reasons, seems to think I'm stupid, expects me to ask my boyfriend (or sister, or someone who isn't me) what he/they think of whatever it is I plan to do (like going to college). And, of course, she doesn't really understand my OCD and panic disorder.

I hope you can get things straight with your mother and for her to be more reasonable. Let us know how things go.

[AAAAA]

As I think of it, there has been this mental manipulation for a long time. I'm just really angry that she's decided to pull this crap at such a stressful time in my life. This is a time when I could use her support, but all I get are more demands.

Maven, I don't know, this has seriously made me reconsider things. I understand the thought that she won't be here forever, and will I regret later losing my temper over this? I really don't think that I will. She's trying to compete with my children for my attention. There are some serious changes going on in my youngest son's life. I shouldn't have to cut into the limited time I have with him so she can get her hair done. How self centered is that? I should be sleeping now. I know she's going to call me in a few hours and say "I'm ready for you to pick me up." She won't even ask. It's just understood that I have to drop everything.

Thanks so much for letting me vent. It has been so helpful. Without an outlet I would have told her exactly what I think of her right now. I cannot vent to my brother, his response is "move to the east coast then she'd leave both of us alone."

[blur]

i'm really sorry your mom is being so unreasonable. maybe you can tell her what you said about this being a time when you could really use her support rather than her making special requests of you that will put added stress on you. while i would be tempted to let her rent a car and just drive herself down i know saying that might start a huge drama at an already stressful time if your mom isn't used to you setting strong boundaries with her.

i recently set some really firm boundaries with my own mom who also just assumes i'll do what she wants, instead of asking, and i know she was really unhappy about it. i figured though that i'm way past the age of having to kowtow to her expectations. when i considered my age (40s) and that i was really letting her get away with still being so controlling i realized how ridiculous it was that as a grown woman i still don't allow myself to stand up to my mom. i seemed to have hit some sort of limit with her shenanigans and now feel like i'm just going to be true to myself whether she likes it or not.