Is it an unforgivable sin or crime to be sent to a psychiatric program? Help me!

((Mowtown)),

Did you see Eskielover's thread about vulnerablitiy? I think it would be helpful for you to listen to the link she provided.

Sometimes just sitting with a therapist and talking and talking isn't quite enough, depending on the therapist. Healing is also about understanding "human nature" overall too.

I listen to how you struggle and I really hear you because I have struggled with many of the things you have talked about too. What I get from you is that you feel that because you were so threatened that you broke (which happens a lot with trauma), that it's wrong and you are somehow going to be rejected. However, sometimes it is when we "do" break that we have a chance to finally be enlightened and learn something that for some reason we thought we just had to "shield" somehow.

Mowtown, I have been having a hard time with this myself and because I had suffered so much abuse in my past, I built up different ways to "shield" myself that I felt made me stronger and now that I suffer from PTSD, those old shields don't seem to work anymore.
It was not that my shields were "bad" either because I was often very productive and I did achieve things. It is more that I just didn't realize the "injuries" that I was carrying under the shields I had built up. It got so people around me needed me to just absorb their problems and inadequacies and when "I" broke, they got angry with me and they didn't have the capacity to be empathetic the way I needed them to. So the more I experienced that the more I felt "fearful" just as you are feeling "fearful".

They say that what they have found is that when someone suffers from PTSD, they really struggle however, when people who struggle with PTSD are around others that also struggle with it, they seem to feel more content and manage better. Well, the reason for that is because it is a place where "true empathy can happen". And that is what you are seeing about the kind of kindness and caring and wisdom that you have encountered here at PC amongst others that struggle with mental illness in some way. Then you go out into society where the norm is a society that "promotes shielding". You say, it is as though the real saneness is in those that struggle and it is society that is sick, is that strange or what? Well, yes, the answer is yes, but it is not because you are unworthy because you struggle and that is what you need to learn. And that is what this woman is saying in her messages about what is unhealthy in our society now. And while she thought that only a few would pay attention to her message and appreciate it, it turns out that she is saying something that people really want to hear, need to hear and it touches on something many people feel challenged with.

You need to understand that PTSD "magnifies" and much of your fears and challenging emotions are what "most people" struggle with around you. Yes, PTSD does stop people who suffer from it in their tracks and yes, it is profound. However, while it is such a challenge, it doesn't mean you are forever doomed as is often a feeling that can come forward with PTSD. And it isn't that others do not empathize with or for you either, it is that they are "afraid" to empathize. People do not know how to empathize and hold onto their shield at the same time. But that doesn't mean "you" are the failure Mowtown. This does take time to "understand" however Mowtown so I thought this link would be a good place for you to start to take in something that you need to "slowly" learn how to
utilize in a way that can help you to overcome some of the crippling symptoms that you "can" learn to manage much better. While I can't sit with you in person, perhaps you can imagine that my hand is on yours with understanding of where you are in your struggle, and I am genuinely saying me too.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...erability.html

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

MTJ, Makes more sense, knowing this, about you. My apologies, for believing you were married.
I was granted, an annulment, I see, your exes excuse, as nothing more than an excuse. That's tough, being in a position, with a married person, where it's an emotional affair.
I hear you, about siblings. Most people, have a tough time, with siblings, I don't even qualify, my 16yr younger half-sister, as worth my labelling her a sister. Not, for all she's said to me, through the years.
Yeah, your sibs finding out, I hear 'ya. It would probably, give them some type of upper edge, and they'd probably vilify you, for the rest of eternity. As though, considering the abuse you endured growing up, haven't reason to also, perhaps some mi's of their own.

OE, yes, I will watch those when I have a chance -- which never works out well, it's usually in bed, and I fall asleep -- you would be amazed how many times I see parts of a video.

I don't know about my family -- I don't really know. Maybe they would be ok about it, maybe not. I freely admit, I am hypersensitive about they way they act towards me -- maybe it's some paranoia from my father. I just have always been the "black sheep" of the family in their eyes, the one who didn't have the drive or ambition they had, and so didn't go as far in life as they wanted me to. Part of it was depression, part rebellion, part the feeling of "I have no future, I can die at any time, I will never live to be ___ years old" -- which is a symptom of PTSD per the DSM, I believe.

I don't know, I myself feel less successful than I should be -- but, it's such a mixed message. Because, again, I grew up learning how to present a facade to the world, it was SOP in the household -- "perfect family" to the outside world, I even had to act like I loved and respected him when people, his people, were around (we weren't allowed to have "people" except for him, what a treat).

Well, at times I feel less successful. I make the lowest income in my family, I have the least assets. But, it's also kind of an artificial standard, they all are very successful in their careers and lives. So, my success, which is pretty good by objective standards, just doesn't measure up to them. I'm a Chevrolet in a Cadillac family, that's all. But, I keep telling myself, there is nothing wrong with a Chevrolet, they get the job done.

But, the biggest thing, I guess, is MY resentment of them, and how they treat me. Because, I sacrificed SO MUCH for my mother, and really for them, too. I kept this nutball family together, I kept my mother alive, I kept him at bay until he died of cancer. And, I did it by sacrificing my own life -- few relationships, never moved out (sad, eh?), didn't pursue career goals that conflicted with my ability to be my mother's guardian and protector. I even passed up on a law school admission because I feared it would conflict, even though it was a local school. I told myself it was about the cost, but it was really about fear.

So, I am now 48 and the black sheep who doesn't measure up. And, when this all hit the fan last year, there was a LOT of behind my back discussion about "what is wrong with Johnny?" The term "he is crazy" or "he must be mentally ill or on drugs" even came up a few times. And, by some miracle, it blew over -- the group conclusion, I found out, was that I was having a "midlife crisis" -- I was so on board with that, if they thought my problems stemmed from a desire to date a 22 year old blond and drive a red sports car that was a let better than "oh, he was sent to the psych ward." At least it saved some face.

And yet, I am making them sound like ogres. And, it's not NEARLY so black and white. There are tensions, conflicts, jealousies, but every family has those. However, there is love there, too. I am just AFRAID OF THE RISK. If I risked it, it might turn out fine, they might be like, "well, just take care of yourself". Or, they might turn on me. I don't know. And, I'm afraid of gambling on a good outcome.

So, the pressure of keeping a cover up is really getting to me. And, it takes a LOT of hard work. And lies, a lot of lies, and I feel really guilty about that. I was NEVER a liar before this. Now, I do it all the time. There is a line from a Dixie Chicks song "You call it lies, I just call it getting by" - and that is how I feel about it. But, I'm still not proud of lying all the time. "Where were you?
- "Had to work late" (I was actually at an appointment with my therapist). Why are you so moody? "Stress at work, my boss is riding me" (couldn't be further from the truth, he is very low stress and very, very kind).

So yes, I have "fallen". And yes, I feel "broken", or more precisely, "dehumanized" - like I am no longer entitled to be a member of "civil society" And I know that is all not really true, intellectually. I am sure a LOT of people throughout human history have done things far, far worse than attending a psychiatric day program (like kill people, commit genocides, etc).

So, I need to reboot my attitudes about this as much as I need to reboot my life.

((Mowtown))),

You are not lying to your family, but I do know how much it feels like that, me too. Yes, I know my family had those conversations about me that had nothing to do with "the truth" about how I was struggling. I was just like you are, I felt that my family would never get it and I felt they would just be better off if I disappeared.

You were the peacemaker in your family, you are the sensitive in the bunch, me too. But if you asked my sister she would say "she" was the peacemaker, but she was only the one who insisted on controlling all the holidays, Martha Stewart to the T. She needed the "control and praise" and I knew that so I always made sure I praised her accordingly.

I think that you should make it a point to listen to that video and Eskie has another link in her thread that I have not gotten a chance to listen to. I would suggest that you fast forward the man introducing and get right to her if you can in that video.

I fell so hard myself, so hard that I struggled just to think. My life saver was finding PC and reading and typing and reading and typing out my thoughts. By the time I found and joined PC I was bad and I wanted to find "me" again so badly. I had read about PTSD, but I didn't understand it like I do now. But I never had a chance to get "away" from my trauma either so it's hard for me to determine how someone else will gain that may be able to gain faster than I did. My therapist has said that with my situation and because I have had one trauma on top of another, I have not had a chance to heal and move forward as much as someone else that is away from a trauma.

I do feel that it is important that you have access to people who "can" hear you and sympathize. I would like to see you find a good T that understands PTSD, and KNOWS how to treat you properly and be patient and caring with you, I see that you respond well to that and I know first hand that having a good T is such a lifesaver. I like the fact that I can just let go and break down emotionally and my T doesn't get mad at me, he stays calm and he knows right where to stop me and ask me how I feel, and once I get to let it out without a bad reaction (like my husband tends to react), I find I feel so much better. It's amazing how much one can get these messages from family and others that you have to "hold it all in". Well, that's not healthy we are just not designed to hold in all these intense emotions, we have to be allowed to be human. You need to be able to just let it rip Mowtown, and that doesn't mean you are unworthy if you need to do that, it's not a sign of weakness at all.

A lot of people have a hard time talking about family stuff because they were disciplined like you were to "act normal in public". Often children felt that they just could not talk about things that upset them in their families either, and often it can be that one child is singled out and picked on by a parent too especially if there is a mental health issue going on with a parent and that parent may have been abused themselves and somehow takes it out on one of their children. They are actually trying to study "why certain" children are selected for abuse.

I am glad you are sharing and talking here at least, you need to be heard and know you are not alone, and you are "not" a failure, you are just lost right now, but you are not a failure.

((Caring Hugs))
OE

I guess I feel better, not quite as dark of a mood - I haven't had nearly as many suicidal urges or images. I have been taking the initiative in trying to solve some of the problems that have been vexing me. It helps.

And I bought crabs! A little amusement. Fun to watch.

JMHO. Even though it's been explained to me a million times about mental illness - and if I hear the comparison of taking psych drugs to insulin and diabetes, I'm going to scream.

Anyway, I've been to 3 IOP programs. Once, I was discharged after a week, because my insurance demanded daily approval for each day and my case manager did not want to deal with it. Also I am extremely shy and did not like being around people. Until I moved to another state, I had not been referred to a Partial Hospitalization Program. But, I had promised my therp I would do what was asked, and try. It took me about a month to adjust to the program. And I actually started making the small effort to be friends with some people in my groups. And you know what? For the most part it worked.

Because once you get to know a lot of people for a long time, you understand that we all have issues and 'mental illness'. Maybe not all the same, but enough that I started feeling okay. And I kind have gotten to the point that I was thinking we're all in this together.

I don't like the term mental illness. I feel like I have just poor coping skills.

I don't admit to anyone that I go. Except maybe medical professionals. Shame, yes a little. But what you can gain in support and help can out way the shame.

Good luck.

I didn't read the entire thread and basically skimmed your question but I feel this is more about what you think and how you feel about your situation than about how society views it. That's actually good if you have a good attitude and insights because what you think is what matters most.