[MotownJohnny]

Or at least commute my sentence. I have suffered enough, I'm sick of this. When I sit around all day, every day, regretting that I didn't kill myself, and thinking about doing it again, I think it's time to get a grip on this situation once and for all.

The very SECOND I heard a diagnosis (bipolar II at the time, now PTSD) and the words "Psychiatric Hospital" I literally thought it was a death sentence -- that there was NO WAY I could possibly have any kind of worthwhile life after that was pronounced upon me. I really did think my life was over -- career, family, finances, you name it -- because I thought no one would forgive me and no one would want to even associate me. I thought I would be shunned and probably my family would just want me gone.

Maybe I overreacted? OK, yes, I overreacted. Big time. None of this is easy, but I do sense the possibility that I might actually be able to have a meaningful life despite these events.

So, it is an internal struggle -- do I deserve to have a life? Or, are my crimes so unforgivable that I do not? That was the entire premise of my last thread.

Right now, I really want to vote "YES" -- that I deserve to have a life, that I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't. I have been horrifically abused in my life, and the results of that have scarred me, but I think it has made me sensitive and empathetic to other people who suffer. I know I can hold my head high about one thing -- I have NEVER hurt others the way I was hurt, and I never would. I try to be as good to people as I possibly can.

I want to be able to believe I can have a future, other than a nightmare spiral into a miserable death. I have all of the tools to make that happen, except for ... I guess faith is a good word, as good as any, the faith that it CAN happen.

So, how do I get that -- how do I get back to a place where I feel like I deserve a little better than life has handed me?

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown)),

It is good to hear that you have turned the corner a little bit and you are allowing yourself to consider "worth" instead of feeding into the "unworthiness that PTSD presents in it's various crippling symptoms".

You say often: " So, it is an internal struggle -- do I deserve to have a life? Or, are my crimes so unforgivable that I do not? That was the entire premise of my last thread. "

You often seem to send out an ongoing message that you are some kind of unworthy criminal. Sometimes this strong "emotion" and deep internal sense of "extreme failure which you internalize is a crime", is not a truth, it is often an untruth that happens when someone struggles with PTSD however.

While I didn't see myself as a criminal, I did harbor a tremendous sense of guilt and inadequacy and pain that I felt no one else would understand or accept even and that I would be too much of a burden. And actually the link I provided in your other thread was helpful in how it described how so many people develop "shields" and what was happening with me is that with the trauma and loss and development of PTSD that I experienced crippled me so much that I could not maintain any consistent "shield" anymore.

When I broke and reached out for help and ended up being taken to a psych ward, in spite of my expressing complete vulnerability and begging for rest and grief counseling, I was actually misdiagnosed and did not receive any "positive or helpful or comforting" treatment, but instead that environment "further traumatized me".

Unfortunately Mowtown, it is not unusual for someone who is suffering from "trauma" who breaks down and enters a psych ward in desperation to be misdiagnosed and misunderstood. I was not going to learn that until years later when I finally found a therapist who treats PTSD patients and is aware of the lack of ability to identify the symptoms that has been taking place in many psych wards. I can look at my medical records and see all the red flags that I kept saying and how the psychiatrist just ignored them and misdiagnosed me in a way where the other staff treated me "coldly". Not only do I have to grieve the trauma, but also for being mistreated on top of that trauma. And that led to even my own family treating me badly as well. Often families can develop some dysfunctional shields unknowingly, so part of making sure you understand that better is to realize this is "their crimes and not yours", "their weaknesses and lack of understanding which means that they just do not know".

I do hope that you listen to that link because it will explain to you "why" people often respond poorly, and that can make it very hard on someone struggling who really needs genuine comforting and not the typical "just" or "well at least you have" comments that never validate whatever the "hurt is there resulting from whatever was lost".

You now say: "Right now, I really want to vote "YES" -- that I deserve to have a life, that I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't. I have been horrifically abused in my life, and the results of that have scarred me, but I think it has made me sensitive and empathetic to other people who suffer. I know I can hold my head high about one thing -- I have NEVER hurt others the way I was hurt, and I never would. I try to be as good to people as I possibly can."

This is a "gain" and you should print this and put it where you can read it when you have one of the bad days that do come along bringing out the other "wrong thinking patterns" that you have to work yourself away from.

Just reading up on PTSD and looking at the symptoms, and they are definitely strong, doesn't mean these symptoms have to be "life long", because you "can" learn to understand why they happen and how you can slowly learn to overcome the confusion that takes place with PTSD.

I will say that it is important to take the steps to build the right support system of people that can give you the comfort and validation you "do" deserve that can help you slowly heal and gain and learn how to repair and as you do that you can also become a person that actually has more "quality" then all those that go along with their "shields" that often only keep them from enriching themselves in this thing we call "life".

(((Encouraging Hugs to keep you moving forward))))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Here is that link again. Eskielover posted it in a thread and I feel it is something very important that is well worth listening to and thinking about.

She also has some other talks that are worth listening to as well that can provide food for thought.

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, OE, it felt EXACTLY like I had been accused of a crime. I guess it's something about how I was raised, ANY little thing was a MAJOR thing in his eyes. I saw him fly into tirades over things very trivial. For example, one time, he went fishing and brought home enough fish for a meal for the five of us -- I was about 6, my two older sisters would have been in high school then. My mother cooked it, and at dinner time, she put malt vinegar on her serving -- not unusual at all, think of Fish and Chips restaurants that always have malt vinegar on the table. Well, for whatever reason, he went into a tirade because she "ruined" his hard work. So -- he broke about 8 windows in the house. Little things were always "big deals" -- so to me, being sent to a psych program felt like being sent to jail, the worst possible, most degrading thing in the world. And I took it to heart and took it really hard. It didn't help that the initial psychiatrist was a HORRIBLE, cruel person -- I found this out in spades during my dealings with her over 6-7 appointments, she was just insensitive, blunt, and just plain ill-tempered and nasty. Kind of a perfect storm all around.

Anyway, it occurs to me that I SHOULD have higher aspirations than purchasing the means of self-destruction from the hunting department of a sporting goods store. I DO want to do meaningful things in my life, move on from this, maybe make my 50's the decade that I enjoy some of the success and happiness that I deserved and never got. Stupid little things -- as you know, I want to compete in triathlons, I would also like to play softball and go back to the boxing lessons. But, I also am thinking what I really NEED to do is go to graduate school. I'm old, but I'm not TOO old - people do that in the 40's and 50's all of the time now.

At this point, ANY positive goals to work towards will help.

[MotownJohnny]

OE, actually, your experience and mine with psychiatric hospitalization are eerily parallel. You were inpatient, I was in a day program only because I refused to do inpatient even though the witch first told me I had to IMMEDIATELY go straight to an ER and admit myself.

For me, THAT moment was the defining moment of the entire fiasco. I went to a doctor for help, and I expected to receive it in a comforting, caring manner. Instead, I got the iron fist of punishment. The way she did it, too, it was implicit to me that if I didn't do what she told me, she was going to take it to the next level and call the authorities and report me as being a danger to myself. That is why I panicked, and that is why I caved.

The first words out my mouth to her, literally, were that I needed this to be kept COMPLETELY PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL and that I would ONLY do outpatient treatment (not that I considered inpatient even a remote possibility, I was just laying the ground rules). The first words out of her mouth were "you're bipolar" and "go to the ER and admit yourself". I was just stunned, completely shocked, and I was completely unprepared for that. And that moment is what destroyed my spirit, and that moment is how I ended up on a dock three weeks later with an implement of self-destruction. Not because of the guy who threatened me at work and started the panic attacks. Not because of my father. Because this quack treated me like a criminal that needed to be locked up.

Your experiences were just as traumatic to you. Being locked away, misdiagnosed, and treated that way destroys trust in the system, and leaves a person bitter. Which I am, and which you no doubt have been as well. Your experiences with the way your family reacted is a key reason why I chose to keep this covered up. It's all a very stupid, horrible situation.

I don't know of any other medical issue which has such stigma attached, with the exception of HIV back in the early days. It's sad and pathetic that we are in the 21st century and have to deal with not only all of the medical issues themselves, but the whole stigma thing.

[Open Eyes]

That is how I felt about my time in the psych ward too. It's unfortunate but because these places are basically designed just to stabilize (which really means drugs, drugs, drugs) and get the patient into an outpatient program, the staff is often (not always) insensitive and often the attending psychiatrists can be cold too. I really, really felt like I had stepped into the movie "One flew over the cuckoo's nest". My T told me that many of his other patients also complained about the psychiatrist I saw.

The kind of place you needed are rare now, they exist but one has to have money to go to these places. My T told me that the kind of places that "used to be" more attentive are just too expensive to have now.

I am very sorry you experienced that and it traumatized you, me too, so much so that I experience flashbacks and chills during the Thanksgiving holiday because that is when I spent time in that psych ward. I am so sorry you feel it is embarrassing, I struggle with that too.

((Hugs))
OE

[gayleggg]

Mowtown, I can't tell you how good it feels to hear you talk with such a positive attitude. You can finish school, you can do triathlons or anything else you wish. I so wish you the best life in your fifties. I had some of my greatest times in my fifties. Faith will come as you gain a little more confidence. I just know you are on your way to a happier time in your life.

[MotownJohnny]

Gayle, that's nice of you to say. I hope so. So much of life is what a person makes of it, and almost all of that comes down to having the confidence and self esteem to do it. People who have been raised in loving, supportive environments seem to do well, those of us from troubled environments really struggle, and it does seem unfair.

My psych ward experience was traumatic for a much different reason than yours, OE. Mine was because of the thought of being sent. The place itself was actually calming, once I got over the fear. I did expect EXACTLY that -- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I guess in hindsight that wasn't realistic, considering it was a day hospital program, and people drove themselves, so they couldn't drug you up. But, that was what I honestly thought -- I would get there, and out would come the needle, and I would be sitting in a corner drooling on myself all day. I also thought they would lock me in. The first morning, I had to go to a general registration area to check in, and I was sure that they were going to send the security guard to escort me to the psychiatric floor, and that he would probably search me and pat me down, and possibly put some kind of restraints on me "as policy" -- all in front of the dozens and dozens of people waiting there, and the hundreds of people in the main concourse right outside. None of that happened, but I would have believed it if someone told me it was going to.

The program itself actually did help me = it gave me insight into the entire mental health system, it let me see that I wasn't nearly as "far gone" as I was lead to believe by the quack -- having a doctor tell me I needed to be locked up for my own safety wasn't exactly an ego boost -- and it did give me the tools to begin to fight back.

The thing itself wasn't bad -- no one was screaming or violent or weird, everyone was actually very nice, a lot of quiet sobbing now and then, especially in group therapy, and I did more than my share of that. But, we were free to come or go as we pleased, at least for reasonable things like to go downstairs to get a Starbucks or whatever at the food court or cafeteria. If you disappeared all day they might have issues with it, but 10-15 minutes was fine. And, we had an hour and 15 minutes for lunch -- mostly I hung out in the food court or cafeteria, but some days I would run errands, or just go to one of my normal haunts just to feel connected to the life I thought I had lost forever - remember, this was like 2 1/2 miles, at most, from where I work, so it was easy, and hard. The program psychiatrist was a joke, an old guy of about 70, clearly just going through the motions, and he was hard to understand, he had a heavy accent, Indian or Pakistani. The rest of the staff was actually really nice, though, professional, kind, worked hard, so I can't complain about them. The facility -- Michigan's biggest private health system, ranked in the top 100 in the country year after year, very nice -- the hospital has a food court, a retail concourse, all kinds of amenities such as a spa, a salon, a medical supply/pharmacy etc. It is right next door to a big shopping center, I went there a few times at lunch just to blow off steam.