[reesecups]

The holidays for me, as with others, are difficult emotionally. I've been depressed having to go to group and be exposed to the holiday season, in the past I used to survive by not leaving my house unless absolutely necessary. But since I'm going to group three days a week, I'm exposed to be around it. Yesterday was rough, and Monday and Tuesday I told them I wouldn't come.

I told my former room mate of 20 years about it and she got really irritated and said she didn't realize what a Scrooge I was. I didn't understand how she could say that since I never hid the fact.

This morning, my sister started asking me about why Christmas offended me so. I told her of course, childhood Christmas' were bad, but even as an adult, they were miserable affairs. Partly due to my room mates attitude.

The more I thought about what she used to do, the more emotional I got. So I emailed her and explained how she used to make me dread the holiday. I was angry and admitted how I felt angry and hurt and blamed her for part of my holiday misery.

I told her I was sorry if I hurt her feelings, didn't blame her for my entire emotional response but felt like she needed to take responsibility for what she did that hurt and angered me.

Now I'm worried I lost a good friend because I was too emotional. I was honest, but we live in different states and what happened is in he past. I feel horrible. And I'm terrified she won't want anything to do with me.

[saw_q]

Originally Posted by reesecups

The holidays for me, as with others, are difficult emotionally. I've been depressed having to go to group and be exposed to the holiday season, in the past I used to survive by not leaving my house unless absolutely necessary. But since I'm going to group three days a week, I'm exposed to be around it. Yesterday was rough, and Monday and Tuesday I told them I wouldn't come.

I told my former room mate of 20 years about it and she got really irritated and said she didn't realize what a Scrooge I was. I didn't understand how she could say that since I never hid the fact.

This morning, my sister started asking me about why Christmas offended me so. I told her of course, childhood Christmas' were bad, but even as an adult, they were miserable affairs. Partly due to my room mates attitude.

The more I thought about what she used to do, the more emotional I got. So I emailed her and explained how she used to make me dread the holiday. I was angry and admitted how I felt angry and hurt and blamed her for part of my holiday misery.

I told her I was sorry if I hurt her feelings, didn't blame her for my entire emotional response but felt like she needed to take responsibility for what she did that hurt and angered me.

Now I'm worried I lost a good friend because I was too emotional. I was honest, but we live in different states and what happened is in he past. I feel horrible. And I'm terrified she won't want anything to do with me.

well Reesecups,

Hopefully u don't mind if i give a feedback. well that we called human. after all what happen in our live. we just a human. sometime we fight, some time we befriend again. Its normal. we are human. its our nature to be like that. But my suggestion is apologies when the time come. coz friend are forever. if she won't accept it you have got to accept. coz it is human heart. we can't force. so forgive yourself. make new step. carry on like usual. okay. k.

[reesecups]

Thanks for your response. I know I shouldn't email or talk when I'm so badly triggered. I always end up hurting or angering them. And hate myself even more.

She actually just responded to the email. Said she would respond in a few days, thanked me for my honesty and told me she had a lot of thinking to do about herself.

I just told my sister that I had sent the message and her response was, why did I bring up something from the past that isn't happening anymore? What was the point of expressing myself.

I've been taught in therapy to try to get things off my chest when I can so I don't get more overwhelmed and self-harm. And I tried to be honest and hoped I didn't hurt her feelings. But the only thing I can deal with is the consequences, yet again, of something I said. And therps wonder why I don't like communicating my anger and feelings to others?

[saw_q]

Well reesecups,

Should be calm, don't blame your self too much. you just torturing your self. just let it go. what happen just happen. you can't cycle back to that time. relax. stop it. forgive you-self. when the time ready, apologizes. Friendship always like that. it is normal friend fighting. Don't blamed your self to much.. its not good for your self.

well now she had respon. so that is good news. so.. carry on the next time. what has collapse just leave it. crate new relationship and carry on. okay. stop blamming your self. its not good for you. just carry on.ok? ok...

[reesecups]

Thank you. You are right. I can't unring that bell so to speak. I guess I have to let it just go until I hear from her.

[saw_q]

yeah its true.okay... it is your old friend anyways. i dont want to talk more coz you know what to do next. Hope you guys can be friend again. so.. that's it. i think i can off now.. hehe..

ok. take care.

saw_q